Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Bachelorette Recap: Week Three

How else would a southern belle start strenuous week 3 of dating multiple men but with breakfast in bed served by her mother? Maybe Shari should take notes?


Chris the chameleon received date number one. I dubbed him this because of his eyes. They are very beady and lizard-like. We met the first cliche metaphor as they climbed a building to get to their rooftop dinner; obviously exactly what falling in love is like. Chris expresses his excitement for the adventure and mentions that he hopes to "maybe share a moment or a kiss." That's realistic because when I'm scaling tall buildings all I really want to do is throw a makeout sesh or two into the mix. A crowd gathers beneath the two spidermen, anxious to watch the first live death of a bachelorette. Emily notes that she is "comfortable with Chris" (probably because she remembers his name, seeing as it's so similar to her BFF's: Chris Harrison). Chris lost some points from me when he exclaimed that he hoped the opportunity to kiss her presented itself and found himself reminding her and self, "I'm a man." Apparently he needed a little pep talk. The Luke Bryan concert was the highlight for everybody involved on this date. Luke, I'm definitely drunk on you, don't even worry. Chris and Emily then proceed to take the award for worst first date kiss I've ever had the misfortune to witness. It was similar to the ones that I drop on my puppy's head every now and then. Exceptionally short.


Tony was on Daddy-cam all night and was not dressed for it. His wardrobe is only one of the many reasons that I question his sexuality and Megan noted that "he came on here to figure out if he's gay or not." He couldn't handle not being around his son and decided his best course of action was to sob against a brick wall in order to make it manlier. Emily still sent him back to DaddyLand.


The group date turned into a meet-the-parents situation. Except with best friends instead. The ladies did not hold back one bit in their questionnaires for Emily's boys. And I hope none of them were married because they all hit on the guys. "Okay great answer. Now take your shirt off and do push ups." Following the North Carolinian Inquisition, children came running out of nowhere. Some poor, unsuspecting parents had been coerced into allowing these guys to test their parenting skills on strange kids. After Emily sent Tony home she had a quality conversation with Doug, in which he told a sob story in order to get a sympathy card, but immediately turned into Mr. Sensitive when she got teary eyed. "Oh no! You're crying! My master plan worked, we can change the subject now!"


Emily swept Arie off his feet in a jet. Typical. I bet post-bachelorette dating is such a letdown. Oh, you don't have a private plane and we aren't eating on a rooftop after scaling the wall of a building to get there? Dealbreaker. I'm glad they got some alone time on their plane ride, because the rest of the date seemed more like a Dolly Parton/Emily extravaganza. And can I just say that when they ended their date on the carousel I absolutely called the following kiss? I approved of their lip action though, I actually saw some passion there, as opposed to her minuscule peck with Chameleon Chris.


And now, the finale. The Rose Ceremony. I could dig Kalon's hipster glasses a lot more if they didn't share a face with a mouth that said, "I like it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." Looks like trust fund baby doesn't like to get interrupted. I love Emily's catchphrase of, "so how do you think you'd be as a dad?" Real casual, Em. I'm waiting for the true honest answer of "well, now that you mention it, I'd suck as a dad. But I still really wanna make it to fantasy suite week so we can at least practice making babies." 


I respect Emily for making hasty decisions about homeward bound boys. I can tell that she knows what she is looking for. But A Very Lucky Girl is still looking for a little more sass from little miss sweetheart. 

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