Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

Any guesses as to where I was Monday night at 8:30 when Emily made her dating debut? Not in front of the TV. I got the chance to hang out with Tyler so obviously I took it! Instead I hung out with 2,000 other Thunder fans in Thunder alley, urging on the storm that devastated those Lakers. Sucks to suck. But of course I made sure that Bachelorette was set to record before I left the house. Unfortunately, that plan was not foolproof for I received this heart-attack inducing text as soon as we arrived at Thunder alley.

All hell almost broke loose. Thankfully, I was able to convince Paul to record it for me, but sadly there was a glitch and neither television housed my show when I settled down to watch it on Tuesday night. Thank God for Hulu! #problemsolver

Savannah and Susan treated me to some spoiler texts. What sweethearts. But I truly hoped that half were false, because as much as I dislike Emily, no one deserves the kinds of guys they were insisting starred in the show.

First things first. I was very disappointed when ABC revealed Emily Maynard as the next Bachelorette. She had her shot with Brad Womack and clearly reality TV relationships didn't work out well for her the first time. She is also one of the most boring people on the planet. She's sweet and southern and too nice for her own good. I think the most exciting part of the season is going to be when she drops the F-bomb on one of the guys. Saw it in the preview and I am really looking forward to watching that scene unfold! I want to watch someone with some sass. I don't watch the Bachelorette to watch people fall in love, I watch Bachelorette to make snarky comments. I feel bad making sarcastic comments about a single mother who could double as a model in a Southern Living magazine. Her house could be featured on the cover. What does this lady do for a living again? Besides drive a Suburban full of kids (only one of which being her own). She also makes it clear that babymaking is at the top of her agenda (following marriage). I think she mentions her desire for more rugrats at least 7 times in the first 10 minutes. Run guys, RUN!

As each limo pulls up to the mansion steps the audio playing is the men's reaction to Emily. We hear "stunning" at least 3 times for each limo, followed by a few "beautifuls" and "prettys." I really wonder if they ever have to edit out any classless terminology. Does no one say, "damn, I'd tap that!"? I'm dying of curiosity. 25 guys. I remember 11 names. And let it be noted that Emily greets everyone the same way. She turns slowly over her shoulder with an expression of almost surprise; "oh, another one? For me?" Cut the crap, Em.

  1. Aerie. Welcome to the show Mr. Race Car Driver. We all know you'd be here. The ABC producers wouldn't pass up an opportunity to guarantee some extra emotion on set (Emily's former fiancee prior to Brad was a race car driver that passed away in a plane crash). I do admire his honesty about his profession right off the bat, that could have been a far awkwarder conversation in the future.
  2. Jef. Apparently the extra "f" is too mainstream for this wannabe hipster. Can I borrow your skateboard bro? Emily's solo cam concerning him includes the phrase, "I hope he thinks I'm cool too." It's not gonna work.
  3. Brent. He pulled out pictures of all 6 kids. 6. Why did no one learn from Blakeley? Scrapbooks get you nowhere. 
  4. Chris. Obviously the way to a single mother's heart is to play Barbies. Props on the bobbleheads. Though I'm not sure I agree with Emily's "super hot" description of this gentleman.
  5. Doug. "You have a kid?!" "Oh em gee, me too!" So much in common. Clearly made for each other. Did anyone NOT see that first impression rose coming?
  6. Alejandro. You're cute. That about covers it.
  7. Ryan. Reminds me of a true southern gentleman. His use of a sign expressing his nervousness and her attractiveness made me "aw" out loud. Definitely placing him in the favorite category.
  8. Michael. Get a haircut. But I'm sure his use of "ma'am" earned him some extra points.
  9. Travis. Wash the gel out of your hair. And what's with the egg? I am concerned that he is coming at this from a Kasey angle: "I pledge to guard and protect....this egg?" However, I do respect that he appeared to be the only man drinking water (probably so he could make sure he didn't lose the egg in a drunken stupor).
  10. Joe. I memorized his song. It contained all of one word: Emily. 
  11. Kalon. The controversial cocky one. He flew in on a helicopter, but explained to Emily, "I would have walked here if I had to." What went unsaid in that sentence was, "I would have walked but I mean, I have access to a helicopter, so why waste that? Oh, and did I mention I have lots of money? Let's make babies." His entrance turned off the rest of the group towards any advances of friendship, but I'm sure he's "not here to make friends."
It cracks me up to hear the men say that going home the first night would be devastating. That is false. It might hurt your pride a bit, but your ego has already increased dramatically by being featured on an ABC show. It could stand a few knocks. You've known this woman for all of four hours max. Wouldn't you rather go home now when you haven't made any sort of commitment? 
Impatiently waiting for the rest of the season,
A Very Lucky Girl


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