What Disney Taught Me

Disney bequeathed some unrealistic notions of what an ideal girl is like, but as a result I am positive I would be unstoppable with these characteristics.

Belle's heart. She refuses to let first impressions ruin an entire relationship. Her understanding and influence transforms the beast into someone lovable. And I'd be okay with endlessly twirling in that butter yellow dress.

Pocahontas' tan. I am addicted to being bronze. My goal might be more readily met if I was Native American...but since I'm stuck being Caucasian I'll continue to sizzle for hours in the sun by day and smear aloe vera on by night.

Ariel's smile. She's always got this coy turn to her lips, despite being a ginger and voiceless to boot. I bet she never had braces.

Cinderella's innocence. Not to be confused with blondness, Cinderella doesn't seem quite part of this world (Ariel reference, yes). Her spirit is unmarred by false intentions, making her irresistible to Prince Charming.

Aurora's confidence. She's got some balls to be playing with needles. But there she goes, spinning merrily away, until that arrogance gets the best of her. I also would like fairies to go with this self-esteem boost. Package deal?

 Jasmine's sense of adventure. Who else would say yes to a magic carpet ride? I think my response would be more of the "are you HIGH?" variety. I would also like her abs, please and thank you. 

Snow White's wonder about the world. Her trek through the forest rewards her with a place to dwell in a dwarf frathouse. Yay? Of course, her wonder gets her in trouble with that apple, but apples aren't my favorite so I'd be safe there. 

Mulan's courage. I think every little girl has wondered, hmm what would it be like to be a boy for a day? However, I think I'd do something more productive with my time as a pretend boy, like learn how to play sports, instead of participating in a blood bath. But her ability to face the unknown, unable to cling to an identity, is admirable. Plus, she meets a hottie with a body. I actually have a legitimate crush on Shang, a cartoon character, and I'm sure with Mulan's courage, coupled with the above qualities, I'd be able to steal him away. 

Wishing upon a star, staying true to my heart, and remembering to be a man in this tale as old as time under the sea,
A Very Lucky Girl


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