Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Bachelorette Recap Week Six: Croatia

Are we running out of dreamy destination vacations, Chris Harrison? Because Emily's choice of Croatia has me flabbergasted. Next stop...Afghanistan? Emily prances into Croatia with a turquoise suitcase. I already see ABC production at work, there's no way southern princess Emily Maynard carries her own suitcase. Its gotta be empty.


Good old home town Travis takes the first date. Emily and Travis are united in their hick town backgrounds and show off their square dancing/jigging skills in a Croatian alley. I burst out laughing when Emily mentioned her disappointment in Travis remaining shirtless throughout the Croatian balancing tradition. Her pouty lip is really just too much. Talk about a first world problem. Tyler predicted Travis' eventual demise, but Emily was a tease, picking up the rose to make her break up speech, but then refusing to part with it. Travis' tears almost broke my heart, but his dramatic umbrella toss on the street saved the day, and my mascara.


The group date begins with grown men watching an animated movie about a ginger. You'd think it could only get better from there. But then these same grown men don kilts to participate in the Highland games. Because they have those in Croatia...? It doesn't get much sexier than men in skirts. Except for maybe men NOT in skirts. The outfits wouldn't be complete without knee socks, and I bet one f Jef brought his own on this date. We learn that it's apparently customary for men to ride donkey into battle in Croatia ("...and that's why they don't win any wars."-Tyler).  Emily's guys throw stuff around. She drools. Chameleon Chris receives the "bravery cup", or more aptly named, the I-feel-bad-for-you-because-I-made-you-look-like-less-of-a-man cup. Arie and Emily get some alone time, which he wisely uses to push her up against a wall and commence intense kissing. He mentions to the camera that he feels better about their relationship after their "talk." I think he got "talk" confused with "make out sesh." I noticed that one f Jef doesn't approach her, he waits for her to approach him. He forces his jacket on her because of the weather and Emily responds, "do I have to?" The elbow patches on his hipster attire clash with her sparkly hooker dress. One f Jef loses style points. 


Ryan risks Emily's life driving around in Croatia on their date. Persistent honking pervades the romantic music floating in the background. They go "oystering" (not a real thing) and we get to watch Emily throw up. I feel like Ryan wants to add a 12th commandment to his list of attributes desired in his future wife: Thou Shalt Not Puke in My Presence. Although, his lines are enough to make any stable stomached female gag. Emily is adamant about not being his (or anyone's) trophy wife, but she sure sends mixed messages when she attends dinner sheathed by a gold dress, mimicking a trophy.  Ryan masterfully tries to manipulate the break-up, but even he couldn't sweet talk his way out of a rose-less state. Did anyone else notice his wine chug on his walk of shame out of the door? He seems to be tearing up, but only because he lost. Not because of what he lost. Which is further proof that it was past time for him to disappear. Arie pulls a Courtney, breaking the rules and sneaking into Emily's apartment, and we get an excellent little close up of them sucking face on her bed. Because there was probably nowhere else to sit and talk, I'm sure. 


I couldn't focus on the rose ceremony because I was too distracted by her disaster of a dress. I can only compare it to shredded paper sprinkled with glitter. It was nice of her to let Ricki have a special art project. I couldn't contain my laughter when John mutters, "love rose ceremonies. Love 'em" as Emily pauses at the final rose, thus shortening Doug and John's lifespans by approximately 10 years. But Chris Harrison flutters in to save the day with an extra rose. So, to sum up, Ryan and Travis have moved on to better things (except I actually hope that Ryan's life sucks) and Emily is left with Doug, John, Chameleon Chris, Sexy Sean, make out whore Arie, and one f Jef. It's a hard knock life for Blondie. 


I couldn't help but think that roses must have terrible connotations after being eliminated from this show. Maybe inducing nightmares? Just one more reason to never become desperate enough to resort to reality show "love." Next week, Prague. 5 more days, I'm a countdown queen Very Lucky Girl. 

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