Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bachelorette Recap Week Four: Bermuda

Emily kicks off Week Four with a description of Bermuda. Her adjective of choice? "Cute."
Tropical islands are just SO adorable.


Doug is given the one-on-one date (or real-life date, if you prefer). He makes a great impression by telling her cleavage that it "looks very pretty." Emily takes a lull in the conversation to express her surprise at how she really likes it here! I mean, I was worried she was going to hate it...weren't y'all? Emily makes a giant deal of this wishing arch and confides her wish in all of America (which means it's definitely not coming true), telling us that she wished she wouldn't be single forever. Dream big, Em. Emily sees Doug as "too perfect" but his inner Hannah Montana kicks in and he promises that "nobody's perfect!" She continues to press him for faults and he valiantly tries to think of something to satisfy her. But comes up blank. Because, obviously, he's just too good to be true.


The group date puts the ocean to good use as the guys are divided into two teams to race sailboats for the remainder of Emily's time that evening. Kalon immediately thinks, oh a sailboat? Casual. Great thing I brought my Sperry's. #fratstar. The yellow teams wins the battle royale sailing style for more Emily time. I hate the power trip games the star of the show plays. It reinforces the competition level of the show (that she swears to hate) instead of focusing on the supposed search for love. As the losing red team pulls into port, Emily confesses her sympathy. What she really means is that she's disappointed that she is losing that extra eye candy to stare at all night. Woe is me. 
Arie is growing on me, not going to lie. I admire his unwillingness to let the drama of the house affect his relationship with Emily. He doesn't whine, he accepts the show as it is and remains confident in what he has with Emily.
I still hate Jef's name. But I did giggle at the fact that she was sharing the fuzzy white blanket with Arie and then with Jef a few minutes later. That fabric was getting around. Kinda like the Em-ster herself. She mentions that she was hoping Jef would kiss her (following a passionate makeout sesh with Arie, by the way) and is sad that he didn't. I can't understand that. I don't know how she can switch gears and lips so fast. I don't see that strengthening any relationship. 
Ryan essentially says, "I am such a deep and mature person. I know I am the ultimate catch. You are so lucky that I am here. I am God's gift to women. You should also work out more. But we'd had pretty kids." If I had been treating this show as a drinking game I would have downed the rest of my wine just to wash those words out of my mind. Ugh. 
The night wouldn't be complete without a Kalon-ism. As Emily is concluding the night with a toast, she begins by saying, "thank you guys for being..." Kalon cuts her off with, "my pleasure." He knows it's awesome that he just exists. 
Miss Maynard has some egos to eliminate. 


And the awkwardest date of the century goes to...Emily and Nate and John. A two on one date is never good, but this one was just particularly painful to watch. They made smalltalk about the stalagmite in the cave where dinner was served. Emily tries to be positive and toasts to "hopefully a great night!" (internally she is thinking, for me at least, because I don't have to leave Bermuda and I still have lots of other options to choose from so sucks to suck for y'all...). As soon as I had decided I liked Nate, Emily gave the rose to John. That slut. 


Alejandro barely makes it out of the rose ceremony alive. She might not be calling your name for long, buddy (Lady GaGa reference? Totally). Jef's lucky he already had a rose or else his knee socks might have been a turn off. And despite Ryan reminding us yet again that he is the total package (thank goodness, I was beginning to forget...), Emily still reserves a rose for him. Seriously, I need to know how much footage of Ryan being cocky was cut out by ABC? Because they left way too much in. 


Next week's London looks like a regular kissing fest. And A Very Lucky Girl is on the edge of her seat to find out who refers to Ricki as "baggage."

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