Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Bachelorette Recap Week Seven: Prague


At first glance I thought Ames was back with us from Ashley Hebert’s season during the introduction and I almost rejoiced. But then I realized it was just a really weird camera angle of Chris. Devastating. The gang has arrived in Prague. Before we get to actually see anybody we are treated to several camera angles of the same sun peeking around statues and ancient buildings. And finally, there is Emily dragging that trusty turquoise suitcase to her hotel. We still don't buy this you-have-muscles ploy, Em. And, OHMYGAWD, stop everything! I just realized Emily is not a natural blonde. Her roots are out to play. You are on national television, Maynard, get that fixed while you get your horrible spray tan. 

First date card arrives and Sean reads it under the piercing glare of Chris willing Sean to say his name. No such luck. Arie gets to "Czech out Prague" with Emily. Am I jealous? With a pun like that? No. Emily arrives to pick up Arie and hugs every guy. Arie wants to punch everyone who touches her but carries a tour book to otherwise occupy his hands and accessorize his elbow-padded jacket that he likely shares with Jef. They walk around Prague and kiss. Dangerous. She makes a giant deal out of a relationship that Arie had with now-engaged producer Cassie Lambert several years ago (which probably just means they passed check yes or no notes in third grade). But, true to form, ABC plays up the drama as much as possible. Emily sounds like a squeaky hamster wheel when she gets upset, "I wouldn't care if he had just told me about it--he's a great kisser!" Logic. What? How did we jump from trust issues to kissing? Great kissing does not equal a great relationship. A great relationship is what leads to excellent kisses. Learn the sequence. Chris Harrison finally puts the entire matter to rest by explaining that Cassie, Arie, and Emily had a nice chat about the past and held hands around a campfire whilst humming kumbaya in three-part harmony. 

Emily and Arie decide to forego their five star meal and feast on each other's faces instead (Miami? Bath salts? Too soon?). Arie then sets himself up for heartbreak by blurting out that "I think I realized I loved you in Croatia...probably around the same time I was pushing you up against a wall." It's been barely six weeks and he's tossing around the L word? Scary. I don't see how you can spit out that word when the relationship is nowhere near exclusive yet. He's setting himself up to get hurt and that angers me. Don't be stupid. Guard your heart Arie; she's not JUST yours, just yet. 

John the data destruction specialist gets the next date. He needs to use his destructions skills to destroy his red/pink color collar combination. They go somewhere that I want to go to SO BAD. It's a bridge with locks all over the edges that symbolize the eternal love of various couples. I've wanted to venture there ever since I saw it on Pinterest. It looks super romantic and cheesy. Which doubles as my middle name. John and Emily eat dinner; kiss; go home. There are no fireworks; literal OR metaphorical. 

Sean wanders the streets of Prague to find Emily, walking up and down random alleys calling her name. He finally finds her walking alone (rape city?) and proceeds to make out with her against a wall. I'm sure it was just too convenient of an opportunity to pass up. Seriously, is he trying to BE Arie now? First by breaking the rules to go find Emily and second by taking a cue from that previous wall philandering. 

Group date: Sean, Doug, and Chris
They all fight to hold their umbrella over Emily. She has her own. #independent #respect
Doug and Emily sit next to each other in a castle turret but Doug just cannot get cuddly. Emily hates that and sets speed to the break-up train. Oh, and during the break up speech he kisses her. And it's midsentence. And she continues with her current train of thought after that kiss. It clearly didn't do anything for her. He tells her to "have a good one" after she finishes breaking up with him. And then he bawls in the backseat of mini van on the way to airport. It breaks my heart when people see their value in another person. He mentions that he is looking for that person to make his family with his son complete. A relationship shouldn't MAKE you, it should make you BETTER. You can be a perfectly whole, complete person without a significant other. I hope he learns that before he passes on his perceptions to his son. 

Chris decides that confrontation is the best policy. He's wrong, of course. PMSing is not attractive, Chris. Jealousy has its place...to a point. He takes it too far. But somehow still gets a couch make out sesh because Emily is apparently going for a kiss-every-single-guy-here-in-one-episode rose. Sean gets the date rose and Chris smiles maliciously. Sean should sleep with one eye open because Crazy Eyes is on the blink. 

Jef. If he could fix his name and his hair I'd like him even more.  They find the most amazing library I've ever seen (except for maybe Bizzell cause that place is pretty cool too) and role-play with puppets. It's kind of awkward. But really adorable at the same time. Jef says his parents won't be there at the hometown date. Because "they are committed to something for a few years". Sounds exceptionally sketchy. One f hipster Jef is the product of a mafia style family? Curveball. I can't stop smiling at their date. Even when they get horizontal on the library floor. Those poor books can't unsee that. 

Rose ceremony. Chris really needs to lay off those 'roids. He's more emotional than me. Emily skips the pomp and circumstance of the cocktail party (even though she's dressed for it in a sequined stripper dress) and makes a speech. It's really long so I tune out and text Tyler back. Jef gets a rose. Arie gets a rose. Suspenseful music plays....aaaaand Chris makes a last desperate attempt in talking to Emily. If I was John I'd be furious. And somehow, his ploy works. Chris gets the last rose. I shout gibberish at the screen. 

John leaves and is "a little disappointed." I am so glad he took it slow with her. Because that means he isn't completely crushed. He is so matter-of-fact that I know their relationship never would have taken off. But I'm still upset that I don't get to see his face on my TV every Monday night anymore. 

DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT EMILY AND JESSICA SIMPSON COULD BE TWINSIES?!? Mind blown right now. Next week looks like a lot of slow motion and a lot of crying. The season can only go up from there right? Or am I just an optimistic Very Lucky Girl?

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