Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Bachelor Recap Week Three: Sticks and Stones and Stairs Break My Bones

Sean apparently works out EVERY WEEK. Whaaaat? Chris Harrison rounds up the girls, who are finally getting comfortable in the house, judging by some make-up less faces.

First Date Card: "Lesley M., How long will this love last?"
Sean brings Lesley to the Guinness Book of World Records and she pretends to have a good time. We find out that Sean's dad holds a Guinness Record (seriously, this guy's pedigree just keeps getting better).
Sean suggests that they try to break the world's longest on-screen kiss. Previously, it was 3 minutes and 15 seconds (which honestly doesn't seem that long....me and Tyler could EASILY break that). And really, it seems more like the longest on screen peck because their lips cannot ever separate for it to be legit. Lesley keeps laughing and fist pumps at the one minute mark, clearly not engrossed in her kiss. They beat it, obviously.
Sean artfully leads her on by declaring that she is "the only girl I want to set records with."
We learn that Lesley is that freak that loved middle school and high school. Probably the only girl in America who would declare that. Lesley also has parents with the perfect marriage. I'm starting to think that Sean did a background check to make sure everyone else's family was as perfect as his. Sean, get out in the real world. Take off your rose-colored glasses. Sean dares her to take control back in their relationship and she goes in for a kiss. And I saw literally all of Sean's tongue. Audible "ugh" escapes my lips.
She gets the rose and another tongue-licking. Poor girl. "The evening has been very magical, in a very good way." Gosh, don't you just hate those BAD magical evenings?

Second Date Card: "Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H, Kristy, Catherine, Des, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsey, Daniella, Jackie, Tierra, Who's going to win my heart?"
12 girls. One Sean. The ocean. They shamelessly beg him to take off his shirt. Chris Harrison shows up in some snazzy beach pants and informs them of the serious stakes. Beach volleyball for time with Sean. The winning team gets to continue the date, the losing time will be banished to the open bar at the mansion. The teams are pretty evenly matched and the score remains tied for most of the game. Sean gives out consolation hugs to the losing team, but walks off into the sun-kissed waves with the winners.
Their prize involves hanging out at Sean's house. Des has been there before for her one-on-one date so she shows the team where the glasses are. 
Lindsay and Sean renew their bff talk and seal it with a kiss. Des and Sean are just perfect. Get married already, you guys. Amanda vows to get the rose "whatever it takes" as she chews on some cheese cubes. Kacie tries to talk to Sean about the drama in the house and Sean is NOT HAPPY. I repeat NOT HAPPY. First fight/discussion happens. Sean calls her a "crazy person." YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, SEAN LOWE. 
Sean gifts the date rose to Lindsay, basically the only girl that was not involved or mentioned in a controversial conversation.

Third Date Card: "AshLee, Do you believe in magic?"
Before Sean can come to pick up AshLee, the mimosas catch up to Tierra and she falls down the stairs. An ambulance arrives to take her to the hospital to check on the possibilities of a concussion. She whines about having to leave the house and wrangles her way off of the stretcher. Sean comforts and cuddles with Tierra while AshLee waits inside for her date with Sean. 
AshLee and Sean finally head away from the mansion in an open-top Jeep and AshLee regrets not grabbing a ponytail holder on her way out of the door. Sean takes her to a deserted Six Flags Magic Mountain and AshLee starts to rethink her super-short sundress. Do you ever give these girls wardrobe suggestions, Sean? 
AshLee jumps at the chance to help two chronically ill girls get to meet for the first time. Brianna and Emily hug at their first meeting like they hang out everyday. After a day of coasters, Eli Young Band serenades the smiling group. Dammit Sean, I can't make fun of you when you make two sick girls laugh like that! 
Sean and AshLee finally get some time just to themselves and AshLee shares her adoption past with him. This date was just too heartwarming for me to handle at 10 AM on a Tuesday.
A kiss. A rose. Ugh is it rose ceremony time yet? I need some histrionics in my life to cut the sweetness. 

Cocktail party:
Sarah and Sean sneak off and a limo pulls into the driveway with her dog, Leo. One of the ugliest pugs I've ever seen. Sean takes some time alone with Tierra and her creepy eyebrows. Des prances up to the couple and steals some kisses. And then Tierra grabs him back...Sean is legitimately the rope in this tug of war, and all the while Des is still sitting on her pitiful couch, waiting for Sean to come back to her. 
Kacie B. apologizes for her previous hostile conversation with him, while sporting an interesting dress. Think Nike tennis attire. 

Rose Ceremony:
Before Sean starts handing out roses he asks to talk to Kacie B, rose in HAND. He gives her the "better off as friends" speech and walks her to the limo. I wish I could say I was frustrated with him for that, but I can see their friend dynamic better than their love connection. Taryn and Kristy are the leftovers after the weekly floral arrangement is disbanded. 
Sean is left with some beautiful girls, and some iffy women. A Very Lucky Girl is not so secretly looking forward to Tierra's waterworks next week. 

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