Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Bachelor Recap Week One: 25 Isn't Enough

I make a motion to rename Sean Lowe's season: Abs on Abs on Abs. Any seconds? I watched the premiere of season 17 with some friends in Norman and amidst the reunion with Natasha and congratulating Savannah on her TEACH FOR AMERICA position (snaps for Sav!) I may have missed a few minor details of the show and gotten the 26? 27? girls woefully mixed up. But I took copious notes to kick start my blogging agenda for the season. I hereby promise to do everything short of death to have a recap posted on the Tuesday following the Monday night viewing. It may not be Tuesday morning; but it WILL be Tuesday. 

So. Let the games begin, and may the odds be ever in Sean's abs favor. 


The Boy
The show begins with a preview as the faces of girls we don't yet know flash across the screen in various positions of drama. We walk through the Emily Maynard sadz (remember the mermaid skirt?! UGH) and then get an up close and truly personal glimpse of Sean's workout routine. And his bod. 

Chris Harrison, the ever helpful (and shockingly tan) host, describes the show like we're Bachelor virgins or something. This isn't our first rodeo, Mr. Harrison. Arie and Sean converge to have a (typical?) bro talk, wherein they cover the following topics: 
  • hey, dude, remember that time that same girl dumped us? Cheers to dodging that bullet!
  • Lemme walk you through this rose deliverance speech: WILL you accept this rose? Will you accept THIS rose? 
  • Break up techniques
  • Kissing pointers
The Girls
Desiree (Des): This bridal gown stylist shockingly isn't the girl that shows up in the wedding dress. She introduces herself to Sean with an endearing invitation to join her in making a penny wish in the Bachelor mansion fountain. Surprisingly, the extravagant fountain accepts their cheap offering and doesn't demand gold dollars instead. 
Tierra: She swears that Sean's family values are what stood out to her on Emily's season and demonstrates her open heart with an (hopefully washable) ink heart on her finger.
Robyn: A smart engineer from Houston, she falls during her gymnastics routine entrance (likely due to the slippery driveway hosed down only a few hours before to obtain that just rained-on shine). 
Diana: I think we have found the new Michelle Money. In fact, they are probably in the same play group. Diana works at a hair salon and has 2 kids. Her first impression outfit includes what looks like a workout tank top tucked into a skirt. Mom on the go, indeed.
Sarah: Let's dive right into the pink elephant in the room. She has one arm.
Ashley P: Her intro video stars about 50 cats and her reading "50 Shades of Grey" to them. She literally whips out a tie (from her cleavage) and tells Sean she plans to teach him how to use it. She repeats this performance with alcoholic courage later on in the night. Sean is unimpressed; both times.
Lesley: From D.C., she threatens to "campaign for his heart."
Kristy: For a model, our watch party unanimously voted that she wasn't that pretty.
AshLee: She's a professional organizer!! That's my second dream job. She may need to organize her name though, I've never seen it spelled this way before.
Jackie: She proceeds to "mark" Sean with an especially lipstick-y kiss on the cheek after she exits the limo. I'm just glad she didn't mark her territory in a different way.
Selma: Following Jackie, she wipes off the tacky lipstick mark...with a tissue retrieved from her boobs. I wonder if they rehearsed that.
Leslie: I couldn't find a single interesting thing about her. Other than that she's a poker dealer. 
Daniella: Natasha exclaimed "Is she pregnant?!" upon Daniella's arrival as her maternity-esque dress didn't exactly flatter. In the hopes of being creative, she makes up a handshake that I don't think either one of them will remember later.
Kelly: She sings. Savannah cowers, "I'm having secondhand embarrassment right now!!"
Katie: Audible gasps of disgust from Simon and Tyler. 
Taryn: She is so enamored upon meeting Sean that she forgets to introduce herself. And his clothes were ON!
Catherine: Calls Sean a "hunk" to his face. Do people not born before the 60s even use that word?
Lacey: Hands him a heart shaped chunk of lace. I don't get the connection for about 2 minutes.
Paige: I remember her from Bachelor Pad, she was one of the fan contestants. Did you know she works as a jumbotron operator? I didn't even know that was a thing.
Amanda: She convinces Sean to get that first awkward pause with a stranger over with. So they stand there in silence for entirely too long. Sean declares that it wasn't that awkward for him. But I'm gonna clue him in and declare that it was awkward for America!!
Keriann: Goes the guilt trip route, "I drove a million miles to get here for you." Hey did you know they have planes!?!
Brooke: Her name. That's all I got.
Ashley H: Shine bright like a rhinestone, chica. 
Lauren: She brings her dad into it instantly, "break my heart and he'll break your leg." That's the way to get a guy!
Lindsey: Verbally announces to Sean that she had the balls to wear a wedding dress to meet him. Whereupon he comically says he hopes not! This is why this season is going to be great. Lindsey also has the audacity to go in for the kiss, about 5 seconds after their first meeting. He manages to land his lips awkwardly mostly on her chin/cheek. 

and finally...my favorite contestant of ALL TIME...Kacie B. from Ben's season (that's apparently her occupation too, according to the ABC blurb during her monologues)! She is lucky number 26, because it's Sean Lowe. He obviously gets more options. 
Her arrival is definitely controversial and stirs up a little ire in the other girls. They don't think she deserves a second chance. Hey, ladies, you know this is Sean's second chance riiiiight? I don't see the logic.
The Departed
I admire Sean for going his own way (total HSM reference) and handing out the roses as he saw fit throughout the night. I think that made the show more honest, real, and demonstrated his sincerity in giving a woman a personal rose as an invitation to begin a precarious relationship. Of course, it also made the women not receiving the roses have breakdowns and those gifted with them form a little rose club, but it's okay, NOBODY IS HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. Key words, guys. Key. Words. Sean solidifies the termination of the following ladies at a truncated rose ceremony:
Ashley H.
Ashley P.
Lacey
Paige
Lauren
Keriann
Kelly
That leaves him with only 19 women and one AshLee remaining. That was clearly the game plan. No one can keep up with three different Ashleys. A Very Lucky Girl predicts the demise of a Leslie/Lesley next week. 

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