Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Bachelor Recap Week Four: Don't Get Your Petals in a Ruffle

Ahh week 4. It looks like Sean took a day off from his workout. Chris Harrison greets the ladies in the mansion and presents the 1st date card. 
OH there's Sean! Just casually walking around in his boxers. Is this ABC appropriate?

"Selma, Let's turn up the heat"
Selma skips off to get ready for her date while the rest of the girls sit morosely in their pajamas around the living room, bemoaning their lack of a date.
Selma leaves the house in yoga pants and a tank top. So I'm hoping they aren't going somewhere "really glamorous." She awkwardly lounges across his lap in their private jet, refusing to let go of his hand. 
They land in the middle of what looks like the desert and Selma "does not do well in heat. at all. "
He economically reuses his jeep from AshLee's date and takes them to a national park. 
He invites her to rock climb to get a better view and she counters, "so are we taking a helicopter up there?"
Selma's got jokes!
Selma inches her way up the face of the rock and Sean follows behind, enjoying HER view. Soon, she's scrambling like a spidermonkey and Sean begins losing his front row spot to her "great form." 
They head to dinner and I get really confused because all of a sudden the severe weather statement message starts going off in the dorm. TORNADO, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT. SEAN'S GETTING HIS MACK ON.
Sean takes her to an outdoor spot with a trailer and it looks insanely familiar. I'm thinking Emily or Ben's season. 
Selma questions, "so why are YOU single?"
Because Emily Maynard didn't pick him, sweetheart. Watch the show that you're on!
Selma starts talking about her family and how they are very conservative. Selma has to explain that she cannot kiss him because of her Arabic/Muslim background. She refuses to kiss him until she is "his only lady." 
Sean picks up the rose and presents it to Selma, sans kiss. The marshmallows for their smores go unnoticed as they cuddle. Who even are they!?

"Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, Tierra, I'm looking for a woman that can roll with the punches."
The girls race out of the house with ladylike war whoops and into the waiting limos. One limo reclines with mimosas while the other is reassured by group date veteran, Amanda: "just follow my lead."
Roller Derby awaits them.The only person that seems genuinely excited about this date is Tierra because she gets to knock some "biatches down." 
Sean kicks back and watches his dates fall everywhere. Sarah cries about her lack of balance and it's really too heartbreaking for me to make fun of. She decides to participate after a pep talk from Sean. 
Amanda smacks her chin on the ground and the attending paramedic stupidly asks, "where does it hurt?" I'm no doctor, but I'm gonna assume the death grip she has on her chin is a marker for the pain. 
Amanda leaves for the hospital and Sean decides to tone down the the competition and introduces a free skate instead. 
Following the activity portion of the date Sean takes them to the roof of a building and offers some liquid refreshment. 
Sarah and Sean (ooo nice alliteration...) cozy up and talk while Tierra proceeds to shortly halt all attempts at conversations with the other girls. Amanda comes back from the hospital and decides to milk her injury for attention from Sean. Apparently it's Tierra's time of the month and every little thing is driving her crazy. Which is coincidental because we all hate her too.
She threatens to leave because she doesn't trust anyone and hates the environment. Tierra goes to find Sean, who is heading to hottub it with Lindsey. Tierra whines about the house, and earns a rose for her dramatic efforts. The rest of the girls gape in horror. Sean gives her the rose in the darkest corner of the roof, only adding to the evilness of his decision. Seriously, I could barely see their shadows.

The "Leslie H., Could this be forever?" date card comes with diamond earrings and she exclaims "holy moly Batman!"-her signature catchphrase. Her date is Pretty Woman come to life. OKAY FINE ABC I'M JEALOUS. She tries on gown after gown and models them for Sean, declaring a green gown with jewels across the top "winner winner chicken dinner." She and Megan would be besties. She clunks down the stairs in her new heels and meets Neil Lane and Sean requests one more accessory to complete her outfit. She hopes for a ring...he suggests a necklace. #closeenough
All dolled up, they head for dinner at a deserted hotel and have a romantic conversation about past relationships. Sean doesn't feel the connection and explains his feelings to Leslie while holding the rose like a magic wand that banishes Leslie from her Julia Roberts dream. After an awkward exchange of giving the diamond necklace back, Leslie heads home in the limo of rejection. Sean goes back inside to listen to the musical stylings of Ben Taylor solo while he dramatically drops the rose to the hotel lobby floor from the balcony. 

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony
Robyn uses the most AWKWARD pick up line to kiss Sean, "you wanna taste the chocolate?" She is hilarious and can't even talk in her following interview. Tierra fakes an apology to Jackie and Robyn in order to make sure Sean doesn't get a poor report of her behavior from the other girls. She has learned from Courtney Robertson. Catherine dubs her "Teirr-ible", while Tierra vows to keep her "eye(brow?) on the prize." 
Catherine's alone time with Sean in the Bachelor driveway earns her a kiss. Another dark camera angle hides Sean's wiggly tongue. Thank God for small favors. Clinketyclink. The florist has delivered the red bulbs of giddiness. Catherine, Des, Lindsey, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie, and Daniella receive them. Amanda's bruised jaw couldn't land her a rose. 

A Very Lucky Girl is gonna have to do double duty to keep up with the TWO EPISODES IN A ROW next week. 

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