Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Bachelor Pad Week Four: Sloppy Thirds

The remaining players congratulate themselves on surviving yet another rose ceremony. Jacelyn dubs the late Reid, Dummy McDummerson for not seeing his lies crumbling around him. David and Jamie together mourn the loss of Donna's boobs and Reid's glasses. Jamie realizes that she doesn't have a partner BECAUSE SHE VOTED HERS OFF 2 WEEKS AGO LIKE A DUMMY MCDUMMERSON. 

Harrison waltzes into the Bachelor Pad parlor in what looks to be a leather tux. He comes bearing gifts, clipboards with questionnaire packets; homework for the now sufficiently drunk contestants. ABC production takes in vito veritas seriously. The surveys will be used at the next challenge, Gameshow Mashup. 

Gameshow Mashup is a bachelor pad game show designed to stir up drama. Instead of playing as partnerships, these roses will be given to the one man and one woman who score the highest. It's every skank for themselves. 

The first round is based on love and romance trivia and contestants answer several questions pertaining to bachelor franchise history, proving that most everyone keeps up with the show before and after their respective seasons. I was a little disappointed that self-proclaimed fan, David, didn't score more points during this round. Michael and Sarah are in the lead at the end of the trivia portion. 
The second round is the tear instigator. The questions try to match a quote with it's owner. Chris reads the quotes and the players must guess which contestant spoke it into existence. 

  1. "The person in the house that has the accomplished the most in life is me. I'm amazing." I immediately thought Kalon, but apparently Ed has a bit of an ego as well.
  2. "Other than to win the money, Ed is on the show because he doesn't want to be forgotten since his season was 20 years ago." Hothead Chris owns up to the statement and Ed reminds everyone that he was joined by Michael Stagliano in his season. Yeah, but do you LOOK like Stag? Do you SING like Stag? Step off, drunkie. 
  3. "The person in the house that has accomplished the least in life is Blakeley." Most of the girls guess Kalon, causing him to impishly smirk, "I'm so misunderstood." However, it was quiet Nick who struck down Blakeley and her profession.
  4. "The person in this house who would make the worst parent is Erica because she eats her hair." A) Cue the revival of the Erica/Kalon rivalry and B) collective "ew", anyone? 
  5. "The amount of men I have slept with is 11, no 12, no 9!" Blakeley avoids looking directly at the camera as she explains her answer, "I totally lied on this question, I'm not going to tell them that!"
  6. "The most scandalous place I've ever had sex is on top of a car in a public parking lot." Not only does Sarah make animalistic noises (as proven by her one night stand with Ed), but she's also pretty kinky...
  7. "I would rather sleep with Chris over my current partner because he is so hot." Jamie, do not tell a guy you are willing to sleep with him. Also, I paused the TV to jot down a few notes at this point and caught the greatest glare. Check out Blakeley's death stare! (above)
  8. "Jacelyn is the most fake person in the house because she lies and manipulates constantly." Jamie immediately turns to Jacelyn to attempt damage control, "we will talk about why I wrote that."
  9. "Jamie is the most annoying in the house because she hangs all over every guy and spins in circles for no reason." It's no secret that there's no love lost between Blakeley and Jamie.
Jacelyn wins the competition for the ladies, beating out Sarah by only 10 points. She celebrates her victory, saying that she can "taste the $250,000 at this point." Getting a little bit cocky Jacelyn, don't choke on the wad of cash that you don't have yet. In a surprising turn of events, Ed beats the guys, a nice change from his poor performances in the prior weeks. 
In the inevitable aftermath of the challenge, Chris calls Blakeley aggressive. Hi, Pot? Meet Kettle. You're both black. 

Jacelyn asks Ed to be "the guy she thinks is the best catch" on her one-on-one date. Sarah whines about their coupling off. Hey Sarah, remember when you voted for Ed at elimination 2 weeks ago? Yeah, I bet he hasn't forgotten either. Jacelyn shyly announces her crush on Ed to the camera, clearly over her initial reluctance to be the drunkard's partner at the start of the season. Ed and Jacelyn end up at Dodger Stadium, starting off the night with a truly earsplitting rendition of the national anthem, followed by an encore of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." They hit it off (get it? get it?) by taking turns at bat. "I'm so happy that it's a nice, romantic date" states Jacelyn as she rolls around on the turf after getting smacked with a stray ball. Can you feel the love tonight? The couple is magically spotted on the Kiss Cam in the deserted baseball diamond and as soon as their lips touch, fireworks boom in true Bachelor fashion. "I mean, who doesn't have a crush on Ed?" Hands around America fly up. Accompanying their picnic is a rose and date card for the person of their choosing since Ed already has a rose and went on a date. They argue between Kalon and Chris. 

Chris knows that Jamie will make a move if given the chance (her quote at the challenge made that clear) so he sneaks off to kiss her, where Blakeley won't see. Jamie starts off with "oh hey, I hear that you're tough to get to bed." Classy. Chris reciprocates with a little laugh, telling the camera, "I just look at her boobs." Lo and behold, Jamie gets Chris into a bed and wants to start some pillow talk, "So like were you really into me from the beginning?" Chris answers that with a kiss. They make out for a while and Jamie asks, "do you like me?" Chris' hand migrates to her butt before responding, "yeah, I do like you." Jamie falsely takes Chris' physical advances and smooth words to mean that he cares about her. 

Ed and Jacelyn decide to gift the rose and date card to Chris. Both Blakeley and Jamie are dying to "be ready for some action" and accompany him, but CURVEBALL, Chris asks Sarah to be his date. Their limo pulls into a sketchy parking garage and I'm half afraid that Sarah is going to reenact her kinky public car sex. Instead, their ride squeals around corners, blasting into boxes, and delivering a shaking Chris and Sarah to the set of an action movie. Sarah practices her kung fu in a sundress, kicking Chris in the face. Can I have that on a constant loop? A "bless your heart" mantra runs through my mind as Jamie defends Chris' decision to take Sarah on his date. Jamie is under the impression that he is protecting her from any Blakeley backlash and admires that "he is so loyal and respectful." At the same time that Jamie is espousing Chris' great character, he is making out with Sarah in a hot tub, juggling glasses of champagne, and having so much fun that he suggests they get a room for the night. 

The sun rises at Bachelor Pad the next morning and everyone discovers that Sarah and Chris didn't quite make it home the night before. Walk of shame clothes are pretty tell-tale. "You're in the same clothes that you left in last night..." Not to mention the sex hair; cute messy bun attempt, Sarah. 

Ed gets another rose to hand out since Chris' date didn't get one since he didn't win the challenge. So, going into elimination, Rachel, Ed, Chris, and Jacelyn all have roses to guard against votes. David tries desperately to save himself, offering up Nick as a sacrifice. Nick talks to Jamie, the easily swayed girl, insisting that he will vote off Blakeley if she votes David. Jamie clinks her glass in promise, but the all-seeing camera catches her slipping Nick's face into the ballot box.
Chris is lobbying to send Blakeley home, but Michael's alliance is determined to vote off Jamie to make it easier to eventually send Chris home. Kalon is a swing vote, but is telling each side what it wants to hear. Which is absolutely going to come back and hurt him. Ed ends up in final deliberation between the two ladies, but ultimately votes off Jamie. David joins her on the trek to the limos.
Jamie does a very poor job of lashing out at Chris on her way out of the house. I wish I could have written her a script.
David warms my heart with his "last fan standing" speech and I'm reminded why A Very Lucky Girl watches the show.

1 comment:

  1. I wasn’t surprise when David was voted out or Jamie. Chris is a character. I cannot believe how easily he is playing all these girls. Once they figure it out he is sure to be out the door. I watched this episode this morning with my Auto Hop feature on my Hopper so I could get it all in before heading to work at Dish. With Auto Hop, which skips the commercials for me I can get ready while I am watching it and it saves me about 20 minutes in the morning. The contest this week was pretty boring, but I was shocked to see Ed win.

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