Tuesday, May 28, 2013

An Affair of the Hartsock: Episode One

The Girl:
Desiree Hartsock's season of the Bachelorette began last night and I had the privilege of watching her meet the 25 guys with Susan and Megan and gummy worms. What more can a girl ask for to kick off a journey of roses? A bottle of wine? Next week.
Des took a tour of the Malibu bachelorette pad, a strong contrast to the tent she grew up in. 60 seconds into the show and she already had tears running down her face in a monologue. She cries about the Sean break up, but yet she's ready to love again? That's totally the healthy emotional response of a girl who's over her ex.
Chris Harrison handed over the keys to a baby blue convertible that she slowly drove to the beach to avoid mussing her brunette locks. Once sandside, Des rollerbladed on the boardwalk and chased seagulls in between casual outfit changes while Andy Grammer's "Crazy Beautiful" played in the background. Go buy his song; I haven't regretted it yet.
Worn out from holding her stomach in during the bikini camera shots, Des sat opposite Chris Harrison for a Hart to Harrison chat while rocking a middle part. For the bachelorette, we've traded in shots of Sean's abs for close-ups of mascara application during the getting ready process. It's a step down. After Des donned a bedazzled spiderweb and Chris Harrison hosed down the Bachelor Mansion driveway, it's time to meet this season's eye candy. It was slim pickin's. 
The Guys:
Bryden: This army man from Montana enjoys park dates with his dog and described himself as loyal and protective. He forgot to offer his name when exiting the limo but his one-on-one time with Des earned him one of the spontaneous early-admission roses after he described his interactions with a little boy while on tour in Iraq. 
Will: The token African-American man is from Chicago and partakes in Bikram yoga. He declared, "I love this woman!," prior to meeting Des, but received a rose during the ceremony. Maybe his generous high-fiving nature redeemed his overflowing emotions.
Drew: My introduction notes for Drew read, "LOVE. so much." The Arizona boy is in marketing, and despite making a less than memorable entrance, he is pinned with a rose after an adorable conversation with Des about butterflies. His dimples alone deserved a rose. A whole bouquet!
Nick: The Chicago-based magician thought Des could be his assistant and tries to wow her with slight of hand upon exiting the limo. He is the first guy to "make Des disappear" and get private conversation time with her. Unfortunately, Des wasn't looking for a second job as a magician's sidekick and Nick does not receive a rose.
Zak: He lives in the self-proclaimed "middle of nowhere" in Texas and proved it by standing naked on his second floor balcony, mooning poor Bambi standing in tall grass nearby. He didn't bother wearing (or even bringing) a shirt to the cocktail party. Instead, he asked Des, "will you accept these abs?" She never quite answered the question, but after he stripped down to this underwear and splashed into the pool she awarded him a rose on his belt loop for his efforts. I was hoping she would just stab the rose into his pectoral where his lapel should have been.
Robert: The skateboarding advertising boy has a One F Jef air about him that Susan and Megan were instantly attracted to. I'm assuming Des had a meaningful off-camera conversation with him considering she called his name at the rose ceremony.
Mike: A dental student from Texas, he spends his spare time in the tanning bed. Des, fearful of the orange streaks he could leave on her after make out sessions, left him roseless. 
Brandon: The California painting contractor shared his rough childhood in his interview, rocked a pin stripe suit at the cocktail party, and rode up to the mansion on a motorcycle. One or all of these things appealed to Des and she invited him to accept a rose.
Brooks: He made an awkward entrance and laid low during the cocktail party, but Des gave him a rose at the ceremony.
Brad: This superstitious man ate a turkey in the limo and brought a wishbone to crack with Des. His creative limo exit earned a rose.
Michael: He made a big show about trying to find her penny from last season in the fountain to create a do-over, but finally settled for a new penny with a new wish. He felt better about his awkward efforts when Des offered him a rose.
Kasey: #guardandprotectyourheart. His name brings back terrible tremors of Ali's season, but far worse is his excessive use of "hashtag..." in conversation. He admitted he creeped on Des' Twitter profile before arriving on the show. Unfortunately, he hashtag accepted this rose. 
Mikey: He admitted to Des that he is an older brother and understood her brother's actions with Sean on her hometown date last season. Their connection to family created a bond and an opportunity for him to snag a rose.
Jonathan: His limo exit started out sweet enough. He handed Des a sealed envelope, but instead of a heartfelt note, she found a card inviting her to forego the rest of the guys and accept the key to a fantasy suite with him. She politely declined, but Jonathan persisted in trying to get her alone during the party. He insisted to the camera "my mom says I'm good-looking" and said, "my love tank has been building for years" with a straight face. Des finally admits being uncomfortable in his presence and asks him to leave. He receives a white van exit and a "well, goodbye" from stoic Des. His love tank remains full.
James: His soft-spoken speech about loyalty and good-natured laughs about the possibility of getting fat in the future provoked a rose at the ceremony.
Larry: He broke her dress while trying to dip her during his limo exit dance. Later, during his one-on-one apology for his clumsiness, he took his glasses on and off repeatedly. Needless to say, his klutzy tactics and nervous tic did not earn a rose.
Zack: His Converse shoes made him approachable and his simple entrance was wonderfully underdone. Sometimes not making a statement makes the best statement. Des agreed and pinned a rose on his lapel at the ceremony. 
Diogo: English is not his first language and he took the "knight in shining armor" routine very seriously. His limo exit was rather clanky. I didn't think he was right for Des, but I was still sad for him to go. His departed speech may or may not have made me tear up.
Chris: Dropping to his knee right out of the limo, Chris asked Des if he could tie his shoe. His creativity  received a rose.
Juan Pablo: His chocolate gift to Des was inspired. All girls like chocolate. He played a game of soccer with the discoball clad Des on the dry driveway as the night progressed. His easygoing nature earned a rose.
Brian: I think he was the first guy to ever sport jeans in the Bachelor Mansion on night one. Des commented on his soft velvet jacket and likely handed over a rose so she could continue to caress it.
Micah: Taking a cue from Des' wedding dress designing career, he DIY'ed his own suit. Despite his efforts, Des sent him and his Pinterest project home.
Nick M: Guess Des is a sucker for poetry. This cheesy guy got a rose.
Dan: Who IS he?! Stranger got a rose.
Ben: His son, Brody, stepped out of the limo first with a miniature suit on and handed a flower to Des. Hey kid, I think you're underage for this open bar home. Ben sent the boy home with his grandmother before telling Des "this is who I am." Ben admitted that he is best friends with the mother of his son, but yet still got the very first rose that Des handed out. Every other guy started plotting his murder.
Confused?
To summarize: Jonathan (fantasy suite douche), Micah (DIY guy), Larry (dip dunce), Nick (magician), Diogo (tin man/knight), and Mike R (oompa-loompa) are no longer with us. 
My top three favorites are Ben (the father), Drew (the dimpled), and Brandon (the pin-striped motorcyclist.
Coming up: European travels, snowcapped mountains, romps in hottubs, man tears, old girlfriends, and sloppy kisses. 
A Very Lucky Girl is wary of Ben turning into a Bentley...he's almost halfway there on his name alone. 
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