Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Bachelor Recap Women Tell All: Arm Jokes and Mean Girls Quotes

Let me preface by saying that I had a truly fantastic Monday. I partook in a 2.4 mile run (at 8:14 pace!), finished my British Literature midterm, received an email and subsequent CHECK from the bursar (they owed ME money for once!), and consumed two cocktails at dinner. Needless to say, Women Tell All was just the icing on my Monday cookie cake. 
I settled in on Natasha's couch in between her and Tyler with her boyfriend on her other side. Those men are very patient with our addiction to the Bachelor. 
The long-awaited show opened with glimpses of Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe crashing Bachelor watch parties throughout the season. Unfortunately, their caravan never made it to lowly Oklahoma. Natasha and I would have welcomed Sean's abs and Chris' mischievous grin with open arms. Chris invites us to meet the rejected ladies--Chris, we've met them. Although I could use a re-introduction to some. Were they even ON the show? This happens every season. Tierra isn't offered a seat among the women because on Wednesdays we wear pink and you can't sit with us! As ABC shows clips of the season I realize why AshLee hated Tierra so much. Besides the obvious fact that Tierra is a b-i-t-c-h (her words, not mine!). AshLee and Tierra didn't get along well because they both played the victim. 
AshLee: I was abandoned and adopted
Tierra: I fell down the stairs and have hypothermia, whatcha got now, orphan?
When Des is questioned about Tierra she just wishes they could all bake a cake with butterflies and rainbows so they could all be happy. Does she even go here? Des just has a lot of feelings.
Speaking of people that shouldn't go here, Tierra has previously been backstage with her sparkle, but Chris Harrison invites her to the hot seat and she parades her awkward looking dress in front of the girls. The Doritos she was munching off of china plates throughout the season have clearly made an impression.
She admits that she didn't want to be friends with the girls, but there is a difference between being friendly and being friends. Being cordial is never the wrong answer in a given situation. All of the women start SMH'in at Tierra's poor defense and Leslie H.'s Pretty Woman date earring sway in the breeze her shaking head creates. 
Tierra does not remember saying disagreeable things about the women and refuses to admit that she gives the stinkeye. That I can agree with, she gives a stinkeyebrow instead. She constantly talks about the girls "gaining up" on her and I just want to sit her down and discuss the difference between "gain up" and "gang up." 
After brushing invisible strands of her hair out of her face during her talk with Chris Harrison, he finally caves and asks about the rock on her left hand. She confesses that she got engaged in January to a man that does actually exist. What she fails to mention is that he is Edward Cullen and it was her sparkle that caught him. 
Sarah takes her turn in the hot seat to cry pretty tears from a broken heart that she can only brush away with her right hand because she also has a broken arm. She laments that she is always a "great girl", but never good enough for the guy that anoints her with those words. She wonders if the lack of connection she finds with men has to do with the fact that they have both arms and she has one; so the disconnect begins at her left elbow. But I bet she gets half off of manicures. You win some, you lose some.
Desiree receives a one-on-one date with Chris Harrison on stage and diplomatically smiles as Chris persuades her to talk about her brother and the trainwreck the meeting between him and Sean was. Des heaps the guilt onto her sibling as she maintains that "if my brother had never been there, maybe it would have been different." So it's safe to assume that they are not speaking. Before she descends the stage, Chris reminds her that she "is beloved by all of America." Except for Sean.
AshLee's post breakup body looks professionally organized by an excellent trainer and stylist as she admits that she may have reeled in her feelings a little too late. She dubs Sean a "frat boy," but I think the comparison is unfair as she knew going into the show that he would be freely dating other women that would likely bring out different sides of his personality. Plus, if Sean Lowe was a frat boy he would be a Pike. I'm sure the national chapter as a whole is lovely, but most of the men I've met at the two universities I've attended have continued to wear cargo shorts and have socially awkward pledges.
Finally, Sean makes an appearance and we all took a cue from Sarah and clapped right hand to left bicep. AshLee accuses him of saying that he had "no feelings" for the remaining women. Sean obviously denies this phrase as, somewhere, his fiancee is watching. AshLee refuses to take it back and they are at an impasse. Someone has amnesia, but it is unclear who and a messy closure occurs for Sean and AshLee. 
BLOOPERS. FINALLY. I wonder if Sean ever learned how to open a wine bottle? (Note to self: learn how to open a wine bottle so as not to make a fool of myself the next time I'm on national television). 
As the Women Tell All comes to a close they play a tribute to Magic, Bachelor dog extraordinaire. He sparkled from 2004 until 2013. 
Next week, 3 hour finale. A Very Lucky Girl doesn't have time for Sean's love dilemmas! But trust me, I'll make it a priority. 

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