Chris Harrison welcomed us to the LIVE bachelor finale with some teasing information about late-breaking news that we would want to endure all three hours for before directing us to the giant television on the wall of the studio that we plunged into to locate Sean Lowe.
Sean wandered around Chaing Rai, Thailand, musing that "although I see Catherine as my wife I equally see Lindsay as my wife, as well." And therein lies the problem with the Bachelor franchise.
Sean Lowe's family caravaned to Thailand, complete with Kensington and Smith, his niece and nephew who would make an excellent law firm together. Smith helpfully piped up in the midst of the reunion, "Emily didn't pick you!" What a time to open up old wounds, little buddy. Sean's mom logically pointed out that she thinks Sean should have at least some of an idea whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with at this time in the season.
Catherine Giudici got first run at Sean's family and her bronze bod was hugged by all members of the extremely Caucasian family. Apparently it was humid in Thailand as Catherine's hair got noticeably bigger by the second. Sherry, Sean's mom who spells her name wrong, stole Catherine away to ask about her love connection with Sean. Catherine revealed that she is basing her love connection off of passing notes with Sean, like ones that say "I like how your nose crinkles when you smile." I instantly looked at Tyler and issued a rule, "DON'T ever tell me that." Catherine and Sean's dad, Jay, bonded outside, much to the increasing detriment of Catherine's luscious locks. Catherine admitted that she is "consumed by Sean". Cannibalism must be a Thailand tradition. Jay stated that he would love Catherine like his daughter and be her biggest fan if she ended up engaged to Sean. I'm sure his words meant a lot to the girl with the estranged father. Alas, all heartwarming things must come to an end as is the Bachelor way, and Sean sent Catherine off in a van in order to prep for Lindsay's arrival.
Right before Lindsay Yenter arrived to Meet the Lowe's Tyler bemoaned the fact that Sean had his shirt on for the entire 18 minutes that the 3 hour marathon had been airing. Lindsay and Sean lumbered up the stairs in their coordinating outfits to answer questions for the inquiring Lowe's.
"So what have you two done?"
"We've done a lot."
"Probably the coolest thing I've ever done."
"It's been a fun ride for you?"BRB-dying of laughter because my mind is in the gutter. That's what I got for taking notes and just listening while not completely focusing on the screen. Jay and Lindsay sat down together and I winced in fear as her dress dangerously rode up. Jay confided in Lindsay that he and Sherry have been praying for Sean's future wife since Sean was born and Lindsay asked the most awkward question in Bachelor history, "Can I have Sean's hand in marriage?"
At the conclusion of her time with the Lowe family, Lindsay looked to the near future, "I have one more date with Sean and then a proposal!" Tyler mumbled from behind his Best Buy Mobile Buyer's guide, "That's not what the spoilers say..."
Of course, Sean's family enjoyed their time with both women. Jay's hot pink undershirt was terribly distracting so I didn't focus until Sean and Sherry took some time alone to talk. Sherry began to cry because she longs for Sean to be completely confident in his final decision. Sean sent his family back to Texas without a clear potentional relative-in-law and he prepared to go into his final two dates with the women.
Lindsay got the first last date and they trekked through Thailand in red shorts and pink shorts, respectively, looking entirely too Valentine's-esque. They floated along the Mekong River, which resembled only a slightly muddier Mississippi River. So lost for conversation, Sean and Lindsay began to talk about what they are going to look like when they are older. I bet there's an app for that. Later that evening the couple switched up their color scheme and Sean wore the dusty rose while Lindsay donned a bold red dress. Lindsay longed to know what he's thinking. I'm of the opinion that he was thinking about Catherine and how she doesn't sound nearly as whiny as this chick.
Lindsay provided surprise lanterns bearing the words "Love," "Happiness," and "Family"that they launched into the sky. Sean said "at this moment, I think she's the one for me." The key words "at this moment" were ominous and didn't bode well for the forever that Lindsay dreams of.
Catherine had the last-last date. I typically think that it's always best for a contestant to have the last date of the season because she will automatically be remembered better by Sean than his previous date. But then, Tyler then reminded me of Arie from Emily's season, but Maynard is the exception to a lot of rules. Like the one that most normal single mothers have jobs instead of trust funds and rich relatives.
Catherine and Sean both wore purple, no doubt after calling each other the night before to color coordinate correctly. After mounting an elephant, they swayed through the Thai countryside to an elevated futon where they lounged their afternoon away.
Coming together again at night for a "dress in black" party, Catherine was reluctant to completely express her feelings toward Sean since he couldn't reciprocate. She didn't gush like Lindsay, but spoke genuinely about her emotions. I understood her reluctance to reveal her feelings, especially when Sean stoically responded. Catherine lost points because she missed the memo about how she was supposed to provide Sean with a present, like Lindsay. But, in lieu of a gift, we got the incredibly creepy sound effect of their hearts beating together as they hugged goodbye. Catherine mustered the courage to say "I love you" and looked for indication of Sean wanting to be together in his eye contact. That was an awful lot to expect from a set of eyeballs and he merely responded, "Thank you for today." A disappointing answer to hear after professing deep feelings, but I don't criticize her for sharing what she feels.
Catherine wisely recognized Sean "has to be crazy about both of us at this point."
Suddenly, ABC cut back to the live studio and two unhelpful fans in the audience noticed that "it could really go either way." Duh, ladies. There's a 50/50 chance that he chooses one of the women. Just as there was a 1/26 chance that he would choose one of the women at the beginning. The odds did improve.
And FINALLY Sean was shirtless as he prepped for his meeting with Neil Lane, the diamond master. Sean picked out a rock of a ring to match his rock hard abs.
Lindsay's dress sparkled more than the ring, which indicated to me that she didn't need the bling. But obviously "neither sparkles as much as Tierra." This is why I make Tyler watch with me. His invaluable one-liners kill me.
Catherine chose a shiny gold dress, the Olympic sign of a champion.
Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie were in the live studio audience to weigh in on Sean's decision. Lesley thought Sean and Catherine are a match because the couple that "multiples together stay together." Sarah's vote was for Lindsay because of their similar family backgrounds. AshLee just wanted to say, "um neither had a connection like Sean and I so back off biatches," but she gracefully advocated for Lindsay. Jackie (who IS she?!) and I were on the same page for thinking that the letter could be from Sherry, Sean's mom.
Chris Harrison wondered aloud, "is he going to propose to Catherine or to Lindsay?"
DEAR GOD CHRIS, WE DON'T KNOW. THAT'S WHY WE WERE WATCHING THIS 180 MINUTE DOCUMENTARY.
Lindsay stepped out of the first car, the sure sign of doom, and said "it's the best day of her life." Nope. "It's the day I'm gonna get engaged." Nope. "I can't wrap my mind around losing Sean." Welp.
Sean delivered a pretty little break up speech, "the toughest thing he's ever had to do," blaming his choice on his heart as if it's separate from his being. Lindsay nodded in understanding, dry-eyed, while Sean sobbed. As Sean continued to talk, Lindsay eloquently admitted her happiness that Sean found love, but expressed that it pained her to not be the one. I was so PROUD of her. That was the most grown-up I'd seen her act in the entire show. She deliberately took off her heels to walk back through the jungle love aisle and into the waiting rejection vehicle. Where she then lost it and started to sound like a squeaky baby once again.
Chris Harrison joined Sean on the engagement plank with a letter from.....Catherine!
And then we went back to the live studio. Great timing, ABC. I felt like Sean must be pregnant or something with all of that drama and build-up. That would be THE most dramatic finale in Bachelor history!
Catherine's letter is the last note she passed to him in that season of their relationship. I valiantly held back my tears as she traversed the bridge to meet her Prince Charming at the edge of the water in Thailand. Sean proposed to Catherine, she whispered "yes," they hugged, and he finally said he loves her. Even Sharbear admitted, "they do seem kinda sweet..."
Catherine accepted his final rose, they exchanged riveting conversation of "I'm the lucky one, no I'M the lucky one, no really, I'M the lucky one!" and then rode off on an elephant into the Thai sunset.
After the Final Rose: (I felt like I had watching this single episode of the Bachelor since the beginning of time)
Sean came out to chat with Chris Harrison about the newly revealed love of his life. And his ex, Lindsay.
Lindsay had to talk to Sean on the love seat and the irony didn't escape anyone. Lindsay desired to know what it is that made Sean choose Catherine over her. I can name a few things...her childish tone and toddler giggle being at the tip top of the list.
Chris urged Lindsay to "take us back to Thailand." Relive the worst moment in your life for all of America, please. "I had to go back and tell my family, and that was hard for them." Remember how my dad is a General, Sean? You and he have a standing date for him to kick your ass.
Catherine and Sean united onstage where she could finally wear her ring in public and the couple could discuss the nuances of their past and current relationship. I have tiny glimmers of hope that Sean and Catherine might be the next Ashley and J.P. They watched their proposal together (which we had literally watched about 40 minutes prior, so I could have honestly done without), but their reactions on the mini cam in the corner made up for the redundancy.
Sean and Catherine don't have a date set yet, but they have agreed to get married on ABC. Chris offered to marry them in the 12 minutes remaining in the finale (really pushing to get the marriage rate of the show up), but Catherine opted out in favor of saying yes to a perfect dress. I don't blame her.
Commercial break. I didn't call it right on who the letter was from, but I decided at 9:51 pm CST that Desiree was going to be the new Bachelorette.
And I was 1:1 on Monday night!! There's mah gurl Des! I love the person that she is, although I'm dreading the waterworks that we are in for with her season this summer. My burning question, though, is how does her brother feel about her Bachelor position? Is he going to call her a player?
Chris Harrison personally thanked A Very Lucky Girl for watching this season of the Bachelor, and it. is. finished.