Tuesday, July 9, 2013

An Affair of the Hartsock: Episode Seven


As promised, Tyler took one for the team last night. Boyfriend of the year award. Boyfriend of the CENTURY award. He emailed me his Bachelorette recap last night and so, with some minor revisions, I present his uncensored opinions on Des and her men:
At 6:30 I made a quick and necessary trip to Starbucks down Main street to get some espresso in my system for the task I had at hand. I arrived at my house, sat on the floor, opened my Mac, tuned the television to channel 705 (roses HAVE to be in HD), sipped on the mocha, and cranked up the surround sound.  I knew it was going to be a good night.
This week’s episode is set in Madeira, a small island off of the Northwestern coast of Portugal. Des’s first comment about the island is “I feel like I’m on the edge of the world.” Apparently she’s a little behind... The earth is round, sweetheart. She and the remaining guys dock in the port and head their separate ways.
Des meets up with three former castmates: Catherine, Jackie, and Lesley. She immediately asks Catherine about her and Sean’s relationship. It’s a little too easy to see the bitterness in her eyes. After discussing the remaining guys over a round of margaritas, the aforementioned guys coincidentally show up at the pool directly beneath the gossiping gals. The girls immediately grabbed a pair of binoculars that definitely weren’t planted there on purpose. They take turns checking out the guys and having Des rate them on certain categories and qualities. Drew checks a W in the best kisser and best body column as the girls can’t contain their giggles over which guy is the most... well equipped. Fantasty suites are coming up...it won't be a mystery much longer.
 Brooks gets the first one on one date set on top of a mountain in the clouds, providing all the ammunition the writers needed to make more puns than I even cared to hear. That’s saying something. Brooks expresses his feeling of being in the clouds about Des as she expresses her joy and feeling of being on cloud 9.  Their date ends with them embracing each other on the mountaintop screaming “welcome to cloud nine” for all who can hear their echoes below.  Brooks gets tongue tied about his last break up, expressing how it was a break up for the whole family, not just him.
            Later on, they meet up for dinner and ended the date standing together overlooking the city as a fireworks display goes off. Looked like an amateur show if you ask me. Maybe I’m biased from the fireworks from the Fourth! 'Merica!
 Date card number two arrives for Chris. They spend the day out at sea on a yacht headed towards a little island close by, re-enacting the infamous Titanic scene at the front of the boat. They drink wine and talk on the island, eventually writing a poem together and placing it in a bottle. Chris makes a subpar throw of their poem into the Atlantic. It looked like a bad first pitch at an MLB game. He definitely didn’t earn any man points with that throw (because you're earning a ton writing this recap? JK THANKS BABE STILL LOVE ME PLEASE-Taylor).
            Chris intends to tell Des he loves her at their dinner. You immediately see him getting nervous and sweaty at dinner. He pulls it together and reads Des a poem that he wrote her stating his love for her in the last line. Nice move, Chris. Their date ends with a makeout sesh in the park with cameras getting awkward close ups that no one wants to see.
 Date number 3 goes to Michael. They spend the day in the city trying weird looking fruits that, based on their faces, tastes as bad as they looked. They didn’t even wash off the pesticides... seemed dangerous. He starts the date off by letting Des know if things don’t go his way he’s happy to have met her and believes he’s in the right place at the moment. I’m a little confused with his strategy revealing that he won’t be that upset if Des denies him a rose. They take a fast cart ride down the street screaming with their hands in the air like scared children on a roller coaster. Michael explains his past heartbreak of finding out on Facebook that his girlfriend of over a year was cheating on him.  He opens up that it has taken a little over a year to get over the emotional damage of the situation.
 Date number four goes to Zak and Drew who meet Des at a race track and immediately race each other for her heart, or a rose, or the feeling of being better than someone else. They each take turns comparing the thrill of racing to falling in love. Zak leaves Drew in the dust and get the first bit of alone time with Des, leaving Drew with sloppy seconds that eventually earned him a rose prior to the ceremony.
 The Rose Ceremony:
Des meets with Chris Harrison and compares her falling in love with the men to a race: stepping, skipping, running, and the finish line.  She states that she has reached the finish line with Brooks. Earning him the first rose. The second goes to Chris while the third goes to Zak. Leaving Michael roseless. Des walked him to the car and I have to admit I admired him for the way he treated her after being eliminated. He let her know he had nothing but respect for her and wished her the best with the remaining four guys. Classy move in the middle of some pain. He has character.
Serious round of applause for Tyler for picking up the slack while I'm away hanging out in New Orleans with my rad cousins. Next week is hometowns and I promise A Very Lucky Girl will be on her blogging game! 

No comments:

Post a Comment