An Affair of the Hartsock: Episode Nine

Welcome to the week of the show where the men tell all they can contractually reveal. Which usually isn't much. I was thoroughly confused considering Men Tell All is typically sandwiched after fantasy suites and in between the finale. The reunion of Des and her second runner up guy is made 10x awkwarder since they've seen each other naked.
Unfortunately, due to extreme drama next week, we didn't get the uncomfortable scenario this season.
Harrison introduces himself like I don't know his first and last name and his relationship history like the back of my hand.
Want to know a secret? It's probably one of my top five dreams to have Harrison and the Bachelor/ette of the season to crash my watch party. Except instead of houses full of 40+ people, my Monday nights consist of me, my couch, my dog, and my computer. Des might not like witnessing my snarky note-taking. 
To prep for the big MTA event, Des sits down with previous bachelorettes (Emily, Ashley, and Ali) to discuss how to talk to the "bad boys." What stood out to me in this conversation was Emily's terrible roots, Ali's orange spray tan, and Ashley's quiet cuteness. Go girl.
The guys are back, and as always, there are several I don't recognize. Each year I become more sure of ABC asking randoms on the street, "hey, wanna be on TV tonight?"
We relive the season in a short five minutes.
Remember the Soulja Boy video?
Remember Skeezy Jonathan?
Remember Brian and his girlfriend and their rock throwing?
Remember Ben and Michael's fight?
Remember James and Mikey's plans for fame?
If you didn't, ABC gave the crash course refresher. 
To kick off the night, Skeezy Jonathan thanks everyone for not booing him, acknowledges his fantasy suite joke sucked, and tucks his speech cards from his law firm back into his jacket pocket. 
Brian chose not to show his face (#coward), so the entire party chooses to trash talk his decisions. Sucks to suck Brian. 
I'm not even sure exactly what Juan Pablo said when he spoke, but I liked the way he said it. #accent
Father Ben finally gets his hot seat time. I wish his son had come to MTA instead. #BrodyforBachelor
In the course of his conversation with Harrison, we learned Ben cheated on his girlfriend with his son's mother. Ben claims he didn't make judgments on the other guys, but he did say multiple times he didn't make this journey in order to find friends. In my book, an over encompassing sentence without supporting information is a judgement. 
James is up next. ABC replays their dates (remember Atlantic City? While Des and James were wading through hurricane wreckage, Zak was scavenging pawn shops for the ring he later tossed out of a window #foodforthought). 
Mikey tries to defend the meathead's entirely inappropriate conversation. His Plan B mentality is shot down by #Kasey's sound logic, "would you look at your wife on your wedding day and say 'don't worry baby, if you don't work out I've got a plan B!'" HE'S PREACHIN' Y'ALL. THERE ARE NO PLAN B'S IN A MARRIAGE COMMITMENT. Some people don't understand how STRONGLY I feel about how UTTERLY WRONG GIVING UP and PLANNING for a demise is. 
I'm so heated about this situation I could pull a Mikey and get up out of my seat. Juan Pablo describes James in the best way (and the best accent), "I wouldn't want him to date my daughter or my sister right now. Maybe later if he changed. But not right now." 
Harrison invites Juan Pablo to the hot seat just because JP2.0 and the seat match. Hot hot HOT. #JP2.04Bach2014
He is a wonderful dad and just wants someone to sleep next to at night, wake up and eat breakfast with, and go to movies with. SO WEIRD. I do all of these things...I mean, meant to be or WHAT?!
It was so fitting for Des to wear black the night she eliminated Juan Pablo. It was a funeral for America. 
Zak finally takes the hot seat to discuss his departure following hometowns. I never really found Zak attractive, but I admire his gorgeous intentions. He doesn't deserve sadness. His admission of still being in love with Des was heartbreaking. 
Des eventually hops on stage in a short, sparkly tunic. It was nice of her to treat her rejected men to views of her crotch. Jonathan specifically apologizes to Des and she gracefully accepts his remorse for his idiotic actions. Her interactions with Ben and James were less pleasant. Des admits Juan Pablo is still muy caliente.
I muy agreeiente. 
Zak interrupts the Juan Pablo talk to sing his "moving on" song to Des. Thankfully, it was over quick. 
After an exhausting night of men acting their shoe size and not their age, ABC showed five minutes of bloopers. 
It wasn't enough. A Very Lucky Girl needs an entire episode of real bloopers. Humor me, Harrison. 


  1. Much better than actually watching the MTA episode. Thank you for the spark note version.


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