Bachelorette Beast Recap Week Nine: Mamas and Shower Jesus

I missed blogging last week due to vacation, but I caught up on week eight's episode before Hannah hit hometowns!  This week kicks off in Westlake Village, California -- the home of Pilot Peter. Coincidentally, he lives just a hop, skip, and a jump away from Bachelor Mansion. Hannah runs and jumps into his arms before he introduces her to his fancy car, which he affectionately refers to as “baby.” Hannah wastes no time in digging around his center console, where she finds a tin of Altoids and a condom. Peter is visibly embarrassed, but tries to save face by announcing he is safe in everything he does. They arrive at an airport and board a tiny plane because Peter is looking for a copilot for life.  He flies them over Bachelor mansion, where they first met. And where she met all 29 of her other recent boyfriends. The couple snuggles in the cockpit as Peter flies over his family’s home and then safely grounds the aircraft in time to kick back and talk about their potential future on a strategically placed bench.  Peter leads Hannah through the front door and introduces her to Mom (Barbara), Papa Peter (Dad), and his little brother, Jack. Our favorite pilot gushes about his relationship with Hannah as they sit down to feast on Cuban food. Before they dig in, Peter’s family chants a German prayer first at the loudest decibel and toasts to amazing memories they have made and ones to be made. Peter chokes up as he describes how his grandparents would have loved Hannah, too.  Mini Pilot Pete AKA Jack, speaks with Hannah privately. He knows his big brother goes one hundo P in all of his relationships and he doesn’t want him to get his heart broken again. Mama Pete asks her son to tell her everything. Peter shares that everything between him and Hannah has been fire from the start and that he is definitely falling for her, though he hasn’t yet said “I love you.” Mama Pete is proud of her son for opening up so quickly, but is wary that he could end up hurt at the end of this journey. She expresses her fears to Hannah because she is well aware that Hannah is still dating 3 other men. Hannah assures Mama Pete that she genuinely cares for Peter.  Papa Pete is also concerned for his son’s heart, but can see that the two have real feelings for each other. He gets emotional as he tells his pilot that he only wants the best for him.  Peter declares the day “magic,” but doesn’t quite muster the courage to drop the L bomb before Hannah rides away to her next boyfriend’s home.  Hannah is heading out of this world, to Jupiter, Florida to meet up with our favorite Tyler of the chiseled jawline. He invites his girl to explore his hometown by boat, but first copious amounts of sunscreen must be applied. They take their time lathering each other up before splashing in the ocean. Tyler shows her his old house and they sip fruity drinks on the shore in preparation of meet the parents. Tyler is especially anxious to see his father because he was not doing well health-wise prior to Tyler’s departure for the show.  Hannah meets Tyler’s crew and is relieved to see that his father appears to be improving. Tyler’s father is worried that Tyler is in love, but he is also really happy for him and vows to love and support the couple if they work out. Mama Tyler listens as her son shares that he has learned how to open up and can truly see himself getting down on one knee in a few weeks. Hannah chats with Tyler’s younger brothers who describe that Tyler really stepped up when his dad got sick and they can see that he is at a place where he is ready for marriage.  Hannah says the evening gave her a lot of hope for a future with Tyler. Tyler follows her into the backseat of the waiting SUV for some PG-13 necking. I feel for the poor driver just waiting for this guy to get out of the vehicle. Tyler finally steps back onto the curb, hair mussed and shirt untucked. It’s safe to say things are heating up in Florida -- where are Pilot Pete’s center console condoms when you need them?  From Florida, Hannah hops west to Gainesville, Georgia to meet her favorite psychopath’s family. Luke amps up the romance by taking her to … his Sunday school meeting. 10 seconds into the date and I’m already cringing. He shares his testimony before the group -- which is word for word what he told Hannah last week about his history of “chasing sex” and finding Jesus in the shower. To Hannah’s credit, she doesn’t appear bored to hear the same story again. They mingle with the crowd after Luke wraps up and people continually gush to Hannah about how great Luke is as he slips 20s into their pockets in exchange for the kudos. They close Sunday School by praying to Shower Jesus.  Hannah meets Papa Pyscho (Mike), Brother Psycho (also Mike), SIL Psycho (Hannah), Mama Psycho (Elizabeth), and Great-grandma Psycho. Hannah, the Bachelorette not the sister-in-law, has no qualms with airing her relationship struggles with Luke. Luke’s family is surprised to hear that he’s been such a controversial character in the house and Papa Psycho laments that “this isn’t like my son.” Luke is basking in how great the last week and a half has been and refuses to let the noise into his lane. This traffic metaphor needs to stall out ASAP.  Luke confides in his father that he shares a spiritual connection with Hannah and when he looks into her eyes he sees Mrs. Parker. NO SIR. You can look in her eyes and see a strong woman or even see your future wife, but you do NOT see an extension of yourself. BOI BYE.  Before sending her to her fourth and final family of the week, Luke apologizes for putting Hannah through a struggle in this, but truly feels they are back on track. He professes his love and Hannah smiles.  Jed is up next in Knoxville, Tennessee. I’m curious if he opted out of Nashville so that the pesky girlfriend back home wouldn’t be a threat? Hannah is thrilled to see him and comments that he always has something in his pocket for her. I’m unsure if this is a euphemism or if this guy actually carries treats. Because Jed is using this show for a platform for his music career and must remind as at all times that he is a musician, he brings her to a recording studio so they can write a song together.  They cuddle on a loveseat and reminisce on cobblestones, Boston, and kilts before sharing a mic and crooning their story. Jed takes this moment to tell Hannah that he loves her.  Hannah meets the Wyatt family: Lily (sister, with a serious case of RBF), Gina (mom), and Jerry (dad). Jerry executes a jump and straddle when Jed walks up -- it was the highlight of the visit.  As the group sits down to dinner, Jed “makes a cheers to” the people he loves and those he missed the most. PSA: you make a toast, not a cheers. Meanwhile, Mama Jed cryptically toasts to “sticking to your truth.” Hmm, is this a thinly veiled reference to Jed’s current girlfriend? Remember, Jed’s family had met that gal before he went on the Bachelorette.  Papa Jed says this whole scenario is definitely a little surprising and is trying to get his head around the possibility of Jed getting engaged soon, especially considering that he was dating another woman 3 weeks ago. Jed assures his dad that he has clicked with Hannah since day 1 and have only grown in the remaining time together. Papa Jed, tired of cutting rent checks, wants to know how Jed’s career will work at the end of this. Jed is confident that Hannah is supportive of his music.  Hannah tries to crack the icy exterior of Mama Jed. Mama Jed isn’t having it and declares this process a dreamy way to date someone. Hannah presses the issue of Jed being ready for the commitment of marriage. Mama Jed says that because Jed is a musician, his path is different. Which doesn’t exactly answer Hannah’s question.  Hannah attempts to connect with Jed’s sister next. Lily stares down Hannah as she expresses her concern that Jed wouldn’t be able to focus on his music if he ended up with Hannah. Overall, the family visit at the Wyatt residence doesn’t instill much confidence in Hannah, but Jed thinks it was a beautiful day.  Everyone reconvenes back at the Bachelor Mansion in California, except for the back of Hannah’s emerald dress. It seems to have gone missing. Harrison meets Hannah in the entryway for a quick recap of hometowns. She struggles to describe the visits because it’s like comparing apples to oranges to kiwi to cantaloupe. I’m certain Luke is the kiwi because kiwis are trash.  Hannah does not have a game plan for this rose ceremony whatsoever and just plans to wing it. She starts by offering roses to Peter and Tyler before an agonizing pause.  Luke and Jed sweat bullets as Hannah fidgets with the final rose before stuttering an apology and exiting the room. Harrison, getting fence-jump flashbacks, tracks down Hannah and asks what’s up. Hannah shreds the final rose into tiny pieces as she cries that she doesn’t feel ready to close the door on any of these relationships just yet and doesn’t know what to do.  She composes herself and goes back to the rose ceremony, with Harrison close on her heels with TWO fresh rosebuds (he had to replace the one she anxiously mutilated). She announces that she wants to continue with all 4 of them -- this seems unsanitary with fantasy suites coming up next -- and pins roses on Luke and Jed. According to the previews that ABC has been teasing all season long, next week is the showdown we've all been waiting for. DON'T MISS IT!