Pilot Pete Bachelor Recap Week 3: The Linger-y Finasco

Last week’s champagne-fueled fiasco paused on Kelsey boohooing in the bathroom. She’s now changed locations for her sob-fest and perches on the front porch instead. Hannah Ann is emotional in the back courtyard: “why would I steal champagne?” she squeaks out. Champagne-gate is still on. 

Apparently Victoria P received the one-on-one date card sometime the night before, but all available cameras were occupied with Hannah Ann and Kelsey so we are expected to roll with this unexpected turn of events. Peter and Vicky P drive a vintage pick-up truck to an empty western apparel store in Peter’s hometown. They test the line dancing capability of a few pairs of boots, before selecting some cowboy hats to go with the fancy new footwear. They are ready to visit Peter’s local hangout: The Canyon. A live band performs and they join the dancing crowd before taking a breather to hit the bar where Victoria orders a white wine after adamantly declaring her love of reds during their truck ride. Color me confused. Vicky P takes this quiet moment to check on Peter as she knows he has a lot on his plate since the previous group date. She admits she’s smitten with him before leaning in for a smooch to seal the deal and hitting the dance floor once again. 

Dinner is in a low-lit airplane hangar because we are not allowed to forget Peter’s occupation. They cozy up at a tiny table positioned perfectly among various planes. Vicky P takes this moment to open up about her family. She shares about the death of her father and her mother’s spiral into addiction. She was in and out of shelters trying to care for her sister growing up and now doesn’t feel like she deserves someone like him in a relationship. Peter appreciates Vicky P’s vulnerability and is more convinced than ever that this laughable process is working for him. In fact, it’s written in the shooting star he saw whip across the sky before filming began. He offers her the date rose before squeezing into the cockpit of a cherry red two-seater for a steamy romp. According to Victoria, being crammed into a tiny cockpit is somehow a dream come true. Let’s agree to aim higher, ladies. 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, many conversations are happening. Kelsey and Hannah Ann finally sit down to hash out the champagne “finasco” (Hannah Ann’s word) wherein we learn that Kelsey actually doesn’t really like champagne that much anyway. THEN WHY HAVE WE DONE NOTHING BUT TALK ABOUT IT FOR 24 HOURS, HMMM? Frankly, the whole debacle is a moo point. Like a cow’s opinion, it just doesn’t matter. #ThankYouJoeyTribbiani

Alayah dons the resident pilot cap in the house’s dress up bin and perches on a kitchen counter, loudly proclaiming how tough she is and that she can’t wait to be a pilot’s wife. A couple of the girls slide her some side-eye, but none more so than Sydney. She immediately labels Alayah as someone to avoid and thinks she is putting on an act for the cameras and Peter. 

A date card arrives: “Kiarra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelley, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, Alayah: I love surprises. I hope you do too.” 

Morning dawns at the mansion as Demi and her two hench-women sneak into the bunk rooms of Peter’s sleeping beauties. At Demi’s signal, chaos ensues. Rogue feathers fly as pillows are beat across slumbering heads and Demi’s bullhorn announces that it’s time to wake up! 

The yawning ladies gather in the living room and await an explanation for the morning madness. Demi comments that they look haggard AF before launching into her mission. Peter asked her to plan a date AKA she’s still contractually obligated to be at ABC’s beck and call. Demi passes out gift bags to the ladies and tells them to get ready, because Peter will be here to pick them up in one hour. 

The gift bags contain the attire for the date: babydoll lingerie sets. Or as one girl pronounced it: linger-y. I blessed her heart from here to Tennessee. Demi apparently has a vendetta against Savannah as she receives the only mumu of the group. Peter picks up his dates and the ABC van arrives at Demi’s surprise destination: an empty saloon currently doubling as a pillow fight wrestling ring. Tammy is AMPED - she was made for this date. 

Demi understands there is a lot of tension in the mansion, therefore she’s put together this arena as an avenue to get rid of said tension at Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club. Fred Willard is once again emcee-ing the event with host extraordinaire Chris Harrison. You remember Willard from past Bachelor “sporting” events and literally nothing else. 

The girls face off against each other, two at a time. Feathers fly helter-skelter as Peter looks on and periodically cheers. After receiving explicit instructions from producers, Demi happens to select Alayah and Sydney for the final round. This championship round is intense; complete with hair pulling. Ultimately, Alayah sits on Sydney to be declared “Queen of the Bedroom” and is crowned by Peter. *insert collective groan here*

Alayah continues to wear this crown into the cocktail hour of the evening and is determined to make the most of her time with Peter. She leads him to a quiet corner and he comments “you look good with a crown on.” Oh, this old thing? Alayah has had plenty of crowns in her life and word for word says as much to Peter. She babytalks about the battle scars on her arm from Sydney, but is looking forward to showing Peter a softer side to her. She caresses Peter’s face as she confides that she’s been abandoned by relationships and friends in the past, but leaves out that it’s likely due to her blatant inauthenticity. Peter eats it up and is very impressed by her boob job. 

Sydney is no longer content to remain quiet and asks Alayah if she even has a job. Alayah scoffs at the question and says she has three jobs, yet fails to mention what these are. She continues that she’s always been a titleholder (she’s a former Miss Texas) and being prim and proper at all times just comes naturally. Sydney accuses Alayah of being rehearsed and that since Peter is here to find a real person, that can’t possibly be Alayah. 

Kelley and Peter have a very normal moment. She’s not digging the beard and isn’t afraid to let Peter know she’s more of a scruff kind of girl. Kelly admits she doesn’t fit into this process, but Peter says Kelley is a big part of why he feels this journey is leading somewhere for him. 

Sydney is not content to simply confront Alayah. She also wants to warn Peter so as they cuddle on the couch she artfully turns the conversation to facades and vaguely accuses nameless women of being artificial. This strikes a chord of fear in Peter as he saw Hannah fall for dog food jingle Jed last season at the expense of her heart. 

Peter addresses the entire group date and puts Sydney on the spot as he asks who she was referring to that acts differently in front of a camera. My second-hand anxiety activates a flush in my chest and neck, but Sydney calmly states that Alayah projects a certain image. With a smirk, Alayah loudly asks if anyone else feels that way. Everyone is suddenly very interested in staring at the ground. Peter begs the group to be real and raw with him because he does not have time for anything else. 

Alayah blames her exaggerated gestures on her “big personality” and turns on the tears to Peter as she babytalks that she wouldn’t be here unless she felt something real for him. Regardless, Peter gifts the date rose to Sydney for her transparency. Alayah adjusts her crown and stews internally. 

The following day, Chris Harrison graces the living room with an announcement: Peter is due to arrive shortly for a pool party which will replace the cocktail party before the rose ceremony this evening. Our morose pilot arrives decked out in Firecracker popsicle swim trunks and a heaviness envelopes the hopeful romantics. Peter admits doubts are creeping in and hopes the afternoon will assuage his fears. Sydney totes her group date rose to her conversation with Peter where he apologizes for the awkward position he put her in the previous night. Sydney doesn’t hold it against him and encourages Peter to really take a look at the women he is dating today. 

From here Peter has a conversation with nearly everyone about Alayah. Kelsey, Natasha, and Lexi echo Sydney’s speculation of Alayah. Meanwhile, Alayah has trapped Mykenna and Hannah Ann on a poolside daybed with an incessant monologue about Sydney’s allegations. Mykenna’s head bobbles as she seeks any excuse to escape. 

Eventually, Alayah resolves to speak with Sydney directly in a very unproductive conversation wherein Sydney is unapologetic in her assessment of Alayah and literally nothing is resolved. How refreshing. 

Peter momentarily pauses the Alayah witch-hunt to whisper forehead to forehead with Madison. It seems that the only thing they talk about is his parents’ vow renewal, but this must be plenty for Peter because he feels really good about Madison. 

Alayah finally corners Peter for a conversation. She has never had her authenticity come into question like this and wants to make sure Peter trusts her. Peter simply can’t fathom getting to the end of this journey having to still question someone he wants to spend his life with. Alayah brushes off everyone’s assessment of her as simply misreading her buoyant happiness. Peter resolves to believe her and move forward, but a conversation with Victoria P sends him reeling. Victoria P and Alayah know each other from the pageant circuit, but Victoria has only spent maybe three hours with her prior to the show. Alayah specifically asked Victoria P to keep their acquaintance-ship from producers if they ever asked and Victoria P was extremely uncomfortable with this request. Additionally, Alayah made it clear that she was open to all of the opportunities that would come out of being a contestant on the Bachelor, even if she ultimately wasn’t Peter’s wife. 

Peter hates hearing this and seeks out Alayah for another conversation. He shares that multiple women have expressed concern about Alayah’s true intentions and he expects honest answers from her. Alayah scrambles to defend herself; she feared that both she and Victoria P would be barred from the show if they admitted they knew each other beforehand. This is straight BS because contestants have competed against former acquaintances before (exhibit A: Caelynn and Hannah B from Colton’s season). Peter ultimately concludes their conversation with the acknowledgement that he has a lot to think about. Alayah’s visions of Instagram influencing are incinerated as Peter solemnly reflects in the shade. I have never seen a more mellow pool party. 

The imminent rose ceremony elicits intense emotional distress as women wail that they didn’t receive any time with Peter this afternoon in the midst of Alayah’s drama. Regardless, roses wait for no one and the group trades swimsuits for evening gowns. 

Alayah strategically dons her most plunging neckline in a final attempt to sway Peter. Roses go to: 

Kelsey

Hannah Ann

Natasha

Lexi

Madison

Shiann

Kelley

Kiarra

Tammy

Savannah

Deandra

With two roses remaining, Peter pauses and inexplicably exits the room. Chris Harrison issues a pep talk in the lobby as Peter agonizes over his decision. Ultimately, Peter steps back up to the rose podium and delivers an apology for the delay. Harrison is right behind Peter and removes one of the two remaining roses before announcing the final rose of the evening

Mykenna receives the rose. 

Alayah, Courtney, Alexa, and Jasmine say their goodbyes to Peter. Alayah says she isn’t going to hold a grudge against Victoria P, but the daggers in her eyes are unconvincing. Peter mumbles to a producer that he isn’t sure he made the right decision with Alayah. It’s certain that we haven’t seen the last of this former Miss Texas.