Pilot Pete Bachelor Recap Week 2: Champagne-gate

Let me set the scene for a moment. Picture a gritty theater in downtown Los Angeles. Now imagine a low-lit dressing room and add a whimpering girl in a glittering dress and a baffled ex-boyfriend. Welcome back to the Bachelor! 

We pick up mid group date with Peter and Hannah’s dressing room pow-wow. Hannah’s running mascara has been touched up by a trusty makeup wipe from a producer’s emergency kit and Peter hits her with “you are the one who said no to me, I’ve never said no to you.” Hannah doesn’t deny this, but she continues to agonize over if she made the right decision as she let go of someone who didn’t hurt her heart. Peter wants someone who wants him and Hannah whispers “let’s go catch a flight” as they snuggle on the couch, Peter’s head resting somewhere in the vicinity of Hannah’s abdomen. Hannah asks for a hug, but ends up climbing into Peter’s lap instead and kissing his forehead. The star-crossed couple gaze into each other’s eyes until Peter breaks the spell with a pensive “I can’t do this. “ He extricates himself from Hannah’s grasp and says he needs to get back to his dates. You know, the women who haven’t dumped him post-windmill shenanigans. Peter and Hannah end this very weird performance with a perfunctory embrace. 

Meanwhile, Peter’s dates are scattered around the theater clearly not prepping for their live audience sex stories. Instead, they are wondering where their beloved Bachelor is hiding and hope it’s not with Hannah. One girl muses that she has an ex who is literally one of her best friends (RAGING RED FLAG) so she doesn’t necessarily fault Peter if he is spending time with Hannah. Peter gathers the group and confesses that he was speaking with Hannah and it was an unexpectedly emotional moment, but a conversation they needed to have. He apologizes, but cuts the day portion of the date short as he doesn’t feel like he’s in the right headspace currently. He was invested in that relationship with Hannah and it hasn’t just gone away. Natasha takes this moment to shrewdly point out that Hannah hasn’t gone away. Which could be a portion of the problem. 

The group disperses to spend extra time on hair and makeup and breathe sighs of relief for dodging the live audience debacle. Somewhere, Chris Harrison is passing out roses to some very disappointed audience recruits. Natasha is still very heated as she takes a seat at the cocktail hour and offers Peter some serious side-eye when he arrives. Unfortunately, Peter misses Natasha’s daggers as Mykenna’s underwear is on FULL display. No amount of leg crossing hides the goods in a dress that short!! 

Peter makes the conversational rounds before sitting down with Natasha (who is giving us some major Rachel Lindsay vibes per Emily Judd!). Natasha is interested in getting to know a free Peter, not a Peter who is chained to the past. She candidly shares that she was upset today as she is here in order to explore a deeper connection with him and though she understands Peter needs to figure some things out, he should not do so at her expense. Peter (and I) appreciate her direct communication. 

Sydney from Alabama shares her experience growing up biracial in a small, southern town. She developed a lot of strength, but we admired her Botox most of all. Peter and Sydney share a smooch as the date rose lingers ominously in the background of it all. 

Mykenna and Peter practice some very junior dance moves before moving to a liplock. Peter executes his signature lift and places her on a desk before moving in for some major macking. Mykenna’s ankles flex in response or she’s desperately trying to keep her heels on her feet. 

Ultimately Peter offers the date rose to Sydney. Mykenna purses her lips disapprovingly; she flexed her ankles for him!

Back in Bachelor Mansion it’s nearly time for the second rose ceremony. Peter arrives for the cocktail party and confesses the Hannah conversation to the full group. He says he was reminded of what he wants throughout the ordeal and is looking forward to focusing on them this evening. 

Lexi is up first in world’s shortest bandage dress with clear spaghetti straps. A fashionista I am not, but I swear clear spaghetti straps went out of style at least 15 years ago, no? Peter presents her with a little matchbox car to commemorate her hot rod arrival. She appears fresh-faced, natural, and genuinely concerned with Peter’s feelings. If her ex showed up when she was trying to date 24 other people, she’d be shook too. They banter back and forth before leaning in for their first kiss. 

Madison and Peter catch up on all that’s transpired since Mama and Papa Pilot’s vow renewal ceremony a few days prior. She already misses their time together; so much so, that she’s wearing the exact one-on-one date outfit again? The earrings were definitely the same, but maybe our resident high school basketball has-been just appreciates a pink majority wardrobe. Peter bashfully offers Madison a wrapped gift and she removes the paper to reveal a framed Weber family photo with her sandwiched in the middle at the vow renewal. I’m creeped out, but she’s touched and nuzzles Peter in appreciation. 

Kelsey schlepped a bottle of birthday champagne that she’s been hoarding for a special occasion all the way from Des Moines. She carefully sets up a fireside tableau with the beribboned bottle taking center stage, but neglects to place a nametag on the entire production. An ambitious ABC intern spots a promotion opportunity and sets up a similar scene in another alcove before whispering “go get Peter and share a bottle of champagne!” to Hannah Ann. Said intern sits back and snickers, waiting for certain fireworks to ensue. 

Hannah Ann innocently leads her beau to Kelsey’s champagne set up and snuggles up on the hearth in Peter’s lap. They pop the bottle and the it is the pop heard ‘round the Bachelor mansion. Ears perk up on various couches and Kelsey leaps to her feet as she realizes someone has jacked her champagne. She walks up to the scene and flees in tears as she realizes her fears are confirmed and the bottle is indeed in the hands of the enemy. Kelsey barricades herself in a restroom and wails about her stolen moment. A very baffled Peter knocks on the door and asks to talk, but Kelsey refuses. Peter returns to Hannah Ann and Kelsey’s champagne before Kelsey defiantly marches up to accuse Hannah Ann of deliberately stealing her bubbly and her moment. Wide-eyed, Hannah Ann claims her innocence, but Kelsey is undeterred in her rampage. 

Peter locates the intern-arranged setup and presents this new bottle to Kelsey in an effort to atone for his negative publicity in the champagne campaign. Peter pops the bottle to rounds of applause from various corners of Bachelor mansion landscaping. He offers to pour it into glasses, but Kelsey exclaims “I’m not a classy B***** all the time” and grabs the bottle for the first sip. What came next was one of the best unorchestrated gaffs in Bachelor history. As Kelsey lifts the bubbly to her mouth, it explodes all over her face and champagne runs down her face and her ironically champagne-colored jumpsuit. 

Needless to say, Kelsey has undoubtedly had better evenings. After touching up her tipsy makeup, she confronts Hannah Ann for her dastardly deed. She labels Hannah Ann calculating and makes it clear she is not going to forgive & forget. Hannah Ann does not come across as sincere, but Kelsey is losing her sanity so I am neither Team Kelsey nor Team Hannah Ann; but rather Team Champagne. 

The mansion is shook from the champagne crisis, but it’s now time to turn their attention to Chris Harrison and the rose ceremony. Roses go to: 

Mykenna

Victoria P

Natasha

Sarah

Lexi

Hannah Ann

Alexa

Tammy

Alayah

Deandra

Victoria F

Shiann

Kiarra 

Savannah

Kelsey 

Three nameless women are unlucky in love and are due to catch the next red-eye out of LAX pronto. 

Peter asks Kelsey to make a toast to the remainders of his entourage, but she declines. Hannah Ann steps up instead and toasts to finding their Prince Charming and hoping love is in the end.

The following morning, love is in the air as Madison interrupts breakfast with a date card. 

“Lexi, Victoria F, Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Alexa, Natasha, Mykenna, [and a nameless chick that I can’t remember], time to let your personality shine.” 

The girls are dropped off outside of Revolve, a major fashion mogul that most Bachelor alums represent after gaining the requisite number of Instagram followers. Essentially, this is a working interview for post-production sponsorship, but they are calling it a fashion show. Each woman is instructed to pick out an outfit for day and night before strutting their stuff on a catwalk. No group date is complete without an element of competition and today is no exception. Three expert judges will be scoring the ladies based on style, technique, and personality and the winning woman will receive every piece in the Revolve closet. Challenge accepted, Peter’s dates rush the store floor with gusto, all except for Victoria F who bemoans the difficulty of shining in a group setting. She is feeling awkward, nervous, and overwhelmed among the likes of strong personalities like Hannah Ann and Kelsey. 

After selecting their garments, the women practice runway twists and hair flips. Hannah Ann absolutely has a leg up on this competition as she already models in her real life yet no one seems perturbed by her expertise. Yet. Victoria F skips the runway practice in favor of chugging glasses of champagne. BIG MOOD. 

The show starts with Peter strutting the runway to a cringy smattering of applause. The ladies follow one at at time in their chosen daytime wear. Hannah Ann chose a wedding dress for her daytime wear and tosses the veil to Peter on her way off the catwalk. Victoria F panics the entire way down, but nails it nonetheless. Nightwear is up next and Kelsey’s silky white pajama set takes it up a notch. Victoria F sees Kelsey’s bedtime innocence and raises her one leather trench coat with a net lingerie bodysuit underneath. She whips off the jacket and beckons Peter to the edge of the runway before planting a kiss on him. From melting down in the dressing room to stripping on the catwalk; that was some GROWTH.  I was a proud mom! You go Victoria F, four for you, Victoria F! She finally feels noticed and validated. 

The discerning judges announce the finalists: Hannah Ann and Victoria F. They return to the runway in matching sequin numbers and walk at the same time to see who will be crowned victor and be the proud owner of a Revolve wardrobe revamp. To no one’s surprise, Hannah Ann takes the title and the excessive shopping bags filled with Revolve goodies. ABC’s luggage transport budget is totally toast if Hannah Ann goes far!. 

Victoria F goes from beaming on Cloud 9 to full on sobs in about 10 seconds after losing to Hannah Ann the actual model. She boohoos into Kelsey’s arms and repeatedly comments that she doesn’t want to be here. Victoria F is visibly despondent at the after-party and gives short answers to Peter as they converse on a couch. She didn’t even care about winning the clothes; she just wants Peter to see her. She confesses she doesn’t know if she was made for an experience like this and wonders if it’s worth her mental health to persevere. Peter assures her that when they are together, she has all of his attention. He is in awe of her switch from panicking to powerful today; we know the champagne she guzzled had a big impact. Still, Victoria F buries her face in Peter’s lap in despair. 

Peter takes her hand and leads her to a dark corner where they have a little more privacy from the ever-present camera crew. He knows she isn’t like everyone here and he finds her endearing. He doesn’t want her to leave and they share a hug and kiss to end their conversation on a positive note.

Kelsey and Peter share a bottle of non-exploding champagne and she returns to the women feeling secure and confident in what they have. Hannah Ann, still wearing the sequined Revolve dress from the fashion show, resolves to sabotage Kelsey’s relationship with Peter. Hannah Ann and Peter sit down and chat about the fun date, before Hannah Ann begins her tattling tale. She was awake all last night crying because her spirit was crushed and she felt bullied by Kelsey. Peter is less than pleased to hear that Hannah Ann is hurting and says he won’t put up with it. They return to the group after exchanging nauseating “i like you”s. 

Peter lifts the ticking time bomb that is the date rose and offers it to someone that gives him hope about their relationship: Victoria F. Talk about being noticed! She accepts the rose. 

But the date isn’t quite over yet as Peter asks to speak with Kelsey again. He brings Hannah Ann’s accusation directly to the alleged instigator and Kelsey strongly refutes the bullying claims. She acknowledges that they don’t like each other and describes Hannah Ann as acting one way in front of Peter and another among the women. Peter is frustrated to have received two different sides of a story (not sure what he expected) and doesn’t know who to believe. 

Kelsey is livid that Hannah Ann even brought up their issue to Peter and retreats to the restroom to lament the injustice. This bathroom hideout is quickly becoming Kelsey’s signature move. The episode ends as the remainder of the women soak up the tension and take turns sending side-eye.

I’m sure ABC was hoping that we wouldn’t notice we were jipped, but I will not be fooled. The champagne crisis took up nearly an hour of airtime, thus we literally only saw one full date last night. It’s going to be a loooong season, y’all!