Bachelorette Beast Recap Weeks 2, 3, and 4: The P Stands for Pyschopath

source

A lot has happened since premiere evening, both in Hannah Beast’s world and Oklahoma. Week Two featured tornado coverage in my neck of the woods -- so I caught the drag show at the beginning of the episode, but missed Cam crashing the group date because storm rotation. Week Three fell on Memorial Day Weekend Monday so I was holding my new niece and reading books about balls to my sweet nephew, placing Hannah’s journey to love on the back burner until Wednesday.

A few things to note from Week Three:

• After experiencing simulated labor pains on the group date, Tyler C. tells Hannah that “women really do run this world” and I’m ready to write him in my ballot for 2020. #TylerCForPrez
• Cam confides in Hannah that he quit his job to come on the show as if he’s the first contestant who ever had to do this #groundbreaking.
• Tyler G -- who received the first one on one date of the season in Week 2 -- leaves the show abruptly, randomly, and without any air time depicting this exit. Rumor has it he is under a lawsuit for spitting on an ex, resulting in his demotion to a footnote.
• Luke P spirals on the group date and Hannah literally has to tell him to slow his roll. He rambles about quitting the show while rattling the ice in his empty drink glass. Somehow, he gets a rose.
• Cam pulls out a sob story about a leg amputation, a dead dog, and a sick grandma as his last ditch effort to get a rose at the rose ceremony. Hannah calls it “schemy and slimy” and decides to ABC -- Always Be Choosing anyone but Cam. #boiBYE

The above summary brings us to last night’s episode where 15 guys remain. Chris Harrison announces that they are packing up and heading to Rhode Island (home of my girl Tswift!) to meet Hannah. The first date card is for five-head Jed: “Meet me in Boston.”

Hannah waits for Jed in a studded leather jacket before exploring the city, spouting random and fictional historical facts along the way. They are clearly relaxed and comfortable together, canoodling in a photo booth and sitting down for a beer at Cheers.

They awkwardly approach a Halo Top ice cream cart, strategically placed in a local park to generate advertising dollars. The couple audibly “mmms” over the ice cream and face the cartons to the camera so that the calorie count is displayed as Hannah exclaims “I could eat this whole pint” before she eats Jed’s whole face.

She does have one more surprise for Jed -- the Celtics practice court where they are met by two Boston Celtics players whose names I didn’t bother to remember (a basketball fan, I am not). Hannah and Jed don matching jerseys, but only after the ABC intern has placed tape over the sponsors so as not to invite litigation from big ad feature spender, Halo Top.

The couple plays some basketball together before one of the players sits down with Hannah for a chat. He asks her what she thinks about Jed and what she’s looking for out of this adventure. This conversation was painfully, obviously staged and we all breathed a sigh of relief at the conclusion.

The Celtics have to go to real practice now and leave Jed and Hannah on the court to play a game of L-O-V-E (as opposed to HORSE). They’re more into making out and we are supposed to believe that Jed makes a basket behind his head as he macks on Hannah.

After hitting their respective locker rooms to get cleaned up for dinner, the paramours arrive at what appears to be a 100% haunted mansion. Jed exclaims how nice it is while I wonder how many people have died in this place. Jed describes his passion for music and his childhood watching his grandmother play piano. His career has been hard and scary at times and he reveals that he initially signed up for this show as a huge platform. Hannah’s face visibly freezes, but Jed continues to say that his mindset has changed since the beginning because of how comfortable they are together and he is genuinely falling for her. Hannah respects his honesty and gives him the date rose.

Group Date: Dylan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Connor, Garrett, Dustin, Devon, Grant, Peter, Kevin, Mike, Luke S, and Luke P -- true love requires blood, sweat, and tears.

The gang meets Hannah at Fort Adams, where she is dressed for success in a white beanie and blue coat. She announces that this will be a competitive group date and introduces the men to their rugby coaches. All I can think of is FRIENDS and Red Ross trying to impress Emily on the rugby field.

The coach informs the men that rugby is a full contact sport and they will be wearing mouth guards, etc. The signing of waivers was clearly edited out. Half of the men sport blue and white striped shirts and the other half wear green. The whistle blows and all bets are off. Tackle after tackle occurs and Hannah bounces up and down on the sideline cheering for each team. At halftime, blue team is winning 5 to 0. Kevin lands on his shoulder and asks a medic to take a look. He leaves in an ambulance and Hannah is weirdly unconcerned. The game resumes and blue team ultimately wins with a final score of 10 to 7. Luke P kisses the gaudy silver trophy, which is a surprise to literally nobody. However, an altercation occurs between Luke P and Luke S in the last seconds of game time. I find it hard to believe that we can’t obtain some kind of instant replay...out of multiple camera men you’d think one would have caught this moment? ABC -- we demand footage! This is where everything gets confusing because both men involved are named Luke, but try to keep up.

From what I understand, Luke S was stiff-armed to the ground by Luke P. While Luke S was on the ground he clenched his fists, Luke P felt threatened, and subsequently kneed Luke S in the face. It was all very dramatic and Luke S said he was “body slammed.” Luke S hopes that Hannah saw it so she can see Luke P’s true colors, but don’t worry Luke S plans to tattle later just to make sure.

The cocktail party ensues at a local mansion with Hannah stealing the show in a violet silk suit with the deepest V I’ve ever seen. Taking bets on how much boob tape is holding it shut -- I’ll start with at least an entire roll. Props to her for not sweating through the material, I’d have matching purple pit stains. Unsportsmanlike tension hangs in the air and Hannah asks to speak with Luke P first. This doesn’t bode well for Luke P as she did the same thing last week when she asked him to slow his roll.

Hannah asks Luke P to describe the incident on the field. He stammers that dainty Luke S was coming at him with fists and throws in that Luke S doesn’t talk about Hannah with the other guys, choosing instead to talk about his dream tequila business. Hannah isn’t quite sure she wants to buy it and tells Luke P she needs to think on this info for a bit.

Luke S is up next and Hannah asks to hear what happened. Luke S provides his side of the story, in which Luke P knees him in the head and pushed him on the ground. Luke S takes it a step further and confides that “a lot of us” are frustrated with Luke P and urges Hannah to continue to ask around. Hannah tells Luke S that it concerns her that he talks more about his future tequila business than her with the other guys. Listen -- this is a silly red flag. They are all dating the same girl -- WHY would Luke S want to discuss his fledgling relationship with Hannah with another dude who has a relationship with the same woman?!

Hannah does as Luke S suggests and asks other men about Luke P. Mike spills that Luke P contemplated bailing on the whole show last week and goes so far as to say that 95% of the men in the house don’t get along with Luke P. Somehow, Hannah remains unconvinced.

Kevin arrives in a makeshift sling that makes me seriously question the caliber of the medical attention he received in Rhode Island, but he is just in time to confront Luke P with all of the other guys. Mike spouts “Hannah told your ass last week…” before everyone else jumps on the Luke P-is-canceled train. Luke P defends himself by claiming “I’m a competitor and I’ll never quit on her!” Excuse me, he talked about leaving just a few short days ago. Luke P’s BS is so foul it literally clears the room until it’s just him and Luke S. Luke S pokes the bear with a “you know everyone thinks you’re nuts, right?” and summarizes that the P in Luke P must stand for psychopath.

Garrett the golf pro wants to take Hannah’s mind off the drama and admits he is crushing on her hard. Hannah appreciates him finally opening up and saying something and is excited to see where their relationship goes. He and his red blazer get the date rose.

Tyler C. gets the final one on one of the week and it doesn’t start off well. Hannah waits at the harbor in tears. She has the strongest feelings for Luke P and is worried that she isn’t judging his character correctly. Hannah, if you care enough to ask everyone he interacts with about him, you should care enough to listen to the words they are saying. 14 men aren’t lying about 1 guy. I’m no mathematician, but the odds are good that Luke P is a lying POS.

Tyler C strolls up and attempts to save the day with a smooth one-liner of “this beautiful day has nothing on you.” He assures Hannah they will have fun regardless of any heaviness she is still feeling from last night and that he wants her in her highs and in her lows. #swoon We took a poll amongst the 5 of us on Lori’s couch last night and we just KNOW Tyler C smells good. You can tell just by looking at him!

They board a small boat to check lobster traps and wear bright orange overalls. The afternoon is full of laughter and cheek kisses from the couple and cringing and exclamations over Tyler C’s jawline from Lori’s couch. At dinner, Tyler C reiterates that he wants to see the real Hannah, not the best Hannah. He admits he almost didn’t come on the show because his pops almost died 2 months ago, but he’s really glad he’s here because he is falling hard.

Hannah eats it UP because she gives Tyler the date rose before inviting him to awkwardly sway in front of a crowd while being serenaded by Jake Owen.

After what feels like the second-longest episode in Bachelor history (first place obviously goes to The One Where Arie Wouldn’t Leave After Becca Asked Him To 80 Million Times), it’s finally cocktail party time. John Paul Jones comes in clutch with a glass of champs for Hannah, which she uses to toast to a hard week and questioning everyone’s character. Roll Tide!

Pilot Pete steals his girl away to ask an important question. He believes in being direct and intentional in his relationships and needs to know if Hannah will be his girlfriend. He stipulates that at the moment he is okay with her dating 14 other men. Hannah is charmed and agrees before locking lips with her official new beau.  

Kevin observes that if Luke P gets a rose tonight, the value of a rose will diminish because of his actions. At this moment, Luke P sits down next to Tyler C on a love seat. Tyler C shifts away and looks visibly uncomfortable by the proximity of Luke P. Luke P asserts that Luke S is the issue and that he has not disrespected anyone in the house. The men exchange looks of disbelief.

Luke S sits with Hannah in front of a fireplace and shares that his character is of the utmost importance to him because he feels strongly about his moral fiber. I think you get moral fiber from Raisin Bran. Luke S doesn’t feel like Hannah trusts him anymore based on what Luke P said about him promoting his brand. The men urge Luke P to man up and admit to Hannah that he was wrong about Luke S.

Instead, Luke P joins Hannah in the hot seat by the fireplace to say that “Luke S asked me to put in a good word for him, but I stand by what I said earlier about him being here for self-promotion.” My jaw literally dropped. Hannah is confused, all of America is irate -- why would Luke S ask Luke P to talk about him when they have beef with each other?

Hannah sits down with Luke S AGAIN to try to get to the bottom of everything. Luke S wants Hannah to have the truth and he thought Luke P was going to offer that to her, but psychopaths can’t be trusted.

Ultimately, Hannah takes both Lukes to a sitting area and says she wants to hear them talk to each other about this. I’m literally so tired of typing Luke and hearing Luke and seeing them on television, but the episode ends there without a rose ceremony and without a final glimpse of Chris Harrison. Cheated is an understatement -- fingers crossed that next Monday is the very last time Luke P gets air time. Until he inevitably turns up in Paradise...