Bachelorette Beast Recap Week Seven: Liplocks for Latvia

We last left Hannah Brown and Chris Harrison sitting fireside in LA at the Bachelor mansion, recapping a season that I’ve already recapped. Somehow, Harrison and Hannah have hopped on a plane to be back in Riga, Latvia in order to shoot some real content. 

Hannah stands in a cathedral and reflects on her journey thus far. She is ready for a new week and a fresh start -- this is approximately the 9 billionth fresh start this season for those keeping score. Hannah has a good feeling for Riga and what it can bring (nudity, if the previews are to be believed). 

Her suitors wander Riga and marvel at the romance of the city. Tyler C is wearing a light-washed jean jacket from the local Latvian Goodwill, but we won't hold it against him. A knock sounds at the hotel door and reveals a date card on a stool. 

“Garrett, can I trust our love? Love, Hannah.”

Luke is verging on apoplectic and we’ve only been in Latvia for about 8 minutes. He is immensely jealous of Garrett, especially since Luke knows for a fact that no one feels about Hannah the way Luke does. He’s right in a sense...no one else feels the need to control her like a narcissistic psychopath. 

Garrett is thrilled for an uninterrupted day with Hannah. He meets her in the Latvian woods and they hike through the pines for a minute. Suddenly, they enter a clearing with a river and a cable car running several feet above it. A couple of bungee jumpers leap from the cable car -- naked. Hannah and Garrett are intrigued. Hannah knew they were going to bungee jump today, but the nudity is a curveball. It’s apparently a Latvian tradition for couples so Hannah and Garrett decide they can’t be rude and strip down. 

In case you weren’t clear on how chilly it is, snowflakes start falling from the sky as Hannah and Garrett meet in the cable car with robes on. Once they are strapped in, they lose the robes and Hannah also shimmies out of her bra. The black modesty boxes assure us that this couple is 1000% naked before they fall off the side of the cable car. Editing had their work cut out for them to keep the black modesty boxes in place as the couple ricochets through the air and bounce on the cord. 

Afterwords, they don their robes once again and cozy up next to a crackling fire. Champagne is popped and analogies about leaping for love are exchanged. Garrett murmurs that he feels so much closer to her now (getting naked might have something to do with it). He learned a valuable lesson from the last rose ceremony and is only focusing on Hannah now. 

They put clothes back on to dine in the evening. Hannah is wearing a sparkly jumpsuit and fabulous fluffy pink coat. The couple toasts to all of the sights Latvia had to offer today (like Hannah’s boobs -- okay, I’m done with the naked jokes now, promise!). Garrett is feeling confident and comfortable with Hannah now. They discuss various hurdles in their lives. Hannah says she has discovered she has to live her life for herself and not let other people’s choices or opinions control what she does (Hello, it’s time to cut the cord with Luke now, then). Garrett relates because he played football in college and thought he was born and bred for that one thing. Turns out he likes golf more. Oh, and he’s “falling in love for Hannah.” Hannah gives him the date rose and says he feels like home. Hannah G felt like home for Colton and she still didn’t get the final rose. Something tells me Garrett’s days are numbered. 

“Jed, Tyler, Connor, Dylan, Dustin, Mike, and Luke - let’s discover Riga.”

Hannah is cautiously optimistic about the day, but looking forward to exploring the city. They start in a fish market and toss back extra large moonshine shots. Next up are extremely phallic shaped pickles and cheese worth dancing for. Tyler grabs a bouquet of flowers for his girl and Jed grabs a few kisses in the corner. 

Luke says everything feels good with Hannah right now, but this is obviously not his ideal date. The group rides the streetcar and listens as Hannah recaps her naked bungee jumping with Garrett. Luke’s Mr. Hyde starts to peek through his Dr. Jekyll exterior as he hears this blasphemy. This is the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and her body is a TEMPLE. He is going to need some answers. Weird -- Hannah’s body is no one’s business but hers? 

The group comes out of the day portion relatively unscathed and it’s time to celebrate with cocktails. Hannah is proud of them all for stepping up today. Tyler scoops her up immediately and she throws her left leg over his lap almost as quickly. He was shook seeing her dressed in all white last week and is convinced that she’s his angel. She straddles him on the couch. I’ve finally figured out why she always wears dresses with hip-high slits -- it makes for a seamless straddle move. In our watch party, Tripp Wohl observes that “they are eating each other’s lips” and I couldn’t have said it better myself. 

Hannah takes a break from lip-locking with Tyler to listen to Jed play piano for her. Meanwhile, Luke voices how uncomfortable he is with her bungee jumping shenanigans to the rest of the group. Tyler disagrees -- he sees Hannah is living Riga to the fullest and he respects her decisions. 

Luke takes Hannah aside to share his feelings and starts by asking if Hannah has ever been cheated on in a relationship. She confirms that she has and Luke says, great, then you understand how I felt this morning when Garrett was talking about your date and what you did with him. Hannah is momentarily stunned into silence and Luke takes his opportunity to continue spouting self-righteousness. He is looking for Hannah to meet his family soon so this was particularly a slap in the face. However, he will support Hannah even if she makes a “boneheaded mistake” and he wants her to know they can get through anything. 

My blood pressure rises just watching, but Hannah calmly tells Luke that it was a choice she made to experience with Garrett and not of a sexual nature. Luke lets it drop -- for now. 

Hannah offers the date rose to Tyler because he was awesome today. Translation: he kisses pretty good. 

Luke is disappointed, but remains confident he’ll get the final rose so that’s all that matters to him. 

Pilot Pete gets the final Latvian date in the countryside. Hannah walks through a wheat field, daydreaming about Peter pushing a stroller in a park. TBH, all of America thinks about this. 

Today they are having a traditional Latvian spa day in a sauna. A Latvian couple sings to them while they put together various spices, which they will later put all over their bodies. They take turns gently beating each other with branches, strip down to swimsuits in the sauna, and make wishes on a ladle full of spices. It was all very Phoebe Buffay. 

Finally, their spice guides leave them alone in the sauna and the steamy make out sesh ABC has been teasing all week begins. They eventually move their party to the hot tub, but not before Peter declares that they will 100% be getting a sauna in their place one day. Peter got his feelings hurt in Scotland and wants Hannah to know that he is all in about this and has one focus -- her. 

Hannah brings her best understated Miss Alabama look in a sparkly midi-dress for their evening “dinner.” She reveals that she’s the most introverted person in her family, which both Peter and I find hard to believe. Peter says his career can get really lonely and that his most recent heartbreak was devastating for him. I just want to wrap him up in a blanket like a burrito and protect him forever. He rattles off a Spanish phrase to Hannah and thinks being here could be the reason all the things in his past didn’t work out. Hannah melts and gives him the date rose before treating him to a waterside fireworks display. 

Back at the AirBnB, Garrett reiterates how tough this journey is getting for everyone. Pilot Pete returns from his date and describes the sauna rendezvous. Jed’s not here for it and quietly slips out to find Hannah. He stands in the street outside her window and plays his guitar for her. Hannah is charmed and invites him up to innocently sit on her bed. She’s wearing her best short & silky pajama set for the occasion. After listening to Jed croon about running his hands along her legs, Hannah is ready for him to wear nothing but the guitar. Mid-makeout, Jed tells her that he’s falling in love with her. It’s nearly imperceptible, but Hannah nods in response. 

Let’s take a moment and dive into what’s been happening in the news this week. Surely everyone has seen the People article with Jed’s ex-girlfriend. If you haven’t, a woman has come forward to say that she was dating Jed right before he left for Bachelorette. In fact, they didn’t even break up beforehand -- Jed assured her that this was just a platform for his music career and he would be acting throughout. When he returned from filming, he ghosted this gal. My opinion of Jed is only just above Luke, but barely. It appears that Hannah is eating Jed up in Latvia -- literally. 

Things continue to spiral at the AirBnB. Garrett chats with Luke because he heard through the grapevine that he has some hard feelings about the bungee-jumping fiasco. Luke says he’s driving in his own lane, but it’s difficult when he looks out his window and sees Hannah in Garrett’s lane. We’ve officially taken Hannah’s “stay in your lane” admonishment too far. Garrett doesn't think his private time with Hannah is any of Luke’s business. Luke disagrees, because Hannah is his girlfriend too. The conversation ends on a sour note with Garrett bidding Luke “sweet dreams.” 

The next morning, Hannah asks to speak with Luke. Evidently she’s had time to ruminate on his words from the group date and she’s clearly concerned. She also appears to have caught a cold -- perhaps from baring her extremities and various other key parts. 

Luke leaps up when Hannah invites him to have a conversation. She addresses the language he used to describe his unhappiness with her bungee bungle as a “slap in the face”. She states “you aren’t my husband; you don’t own my body or me.” Luke agrees he may have approached his concern in the wrong way, but says he doesn’t want to see or know what Hannah does with the other guys. He blatantly lies and says he will never control Hannah or tell her things she can and can’t do with her body. He claims to be misunderstood and questions her memory on their prior conversation. Hannah is exhausted -- every one of her conversations with Luke is agonizing. Luke assures her that if they keep fighting it will be worth it. 

Luke walks back into the AirBnB and says “y’all probably want to know what we talked about.” But he’s not going to talk about it and he wants them to know he isn’t going to talk about it because - YOU GUESSED IT - everyone needs to stay in their lanes. There is a lot of talk about how Luke looking out the window at other cars in other lanes is going to cause him to swerve and crash. These guys really know how to kill a metaphor. 

Once again, Harrison rolls in to say that he spoke with Hannah, she is emotional, and she’s cancelling the cocktail party. Imagine how much money ABC is saving on alcohol this season! Luke is certain that this, like everything else, is not his fault -- Hannah just wasn’t in the mood for a party. 

Hannah enters the rose ceremony in a deep green ball gown and says the week was great even though she did have struggles. She does believe her husband is in this room and is looking forward to exploring relationships further with: 

Jed

MikeForBachelor

Connor

Luke

Dylan and Dustin hit the road in their respective lanes. The remaining men and Hannah share a toast before she bids them goodnight. Harrison catches her on the way out to ask the question we’re ALL screaming at our TVs: “What do you see in Luke?”

Hannah answers that she’s either falling in love with Luke or he is making her go crazy. Those aren’t great odds. Next week: it goes DOWN in the Netherlands, but I’ll be hiking mountains so I’ll meet you back here for week 9!