Bachelorette Beast Recap Week 5: The Luke-ness Monster

We pick up where we left off in Rhode Island with the Luke showdown. Hannah is confused and fed up with hearing the Lukes discuss each other and asks them to sit down and talk to each other. She wants to hear what’s going on. Luke S accuses Luke P of sabotage and that he is not trustworthy. Luke P continues to accept zero responsibility for his lies. Hannah’s boredom with the entire conversation increases by the second, until she gets up and walks away. Luke S rests his head in his hands, defeated by the classic narcissist.

Chris Harrison announces the conclusion of the cocktail party and the imminent rose ceremony. Hannah’s suitors are frustrated and blame Luke P for their lack of time with Hannah this evening. They all cut him off when he tries to speak in his defense.

A gentleman I’ve literally never seen on camera until this instant narrates the options: Luke P could go home. Luke S could go home. Both Lukes could go home or both Lukes could stay. Thank you, stranger, for expounding on the laws of probability.

Hannah’s heels tap into the rose ceremony room with ominous purpose. It’s been a difficult week, but she is intent on following her heart. Luke S steps out to speak with her before she starts the ceremony. He is sorry to have caused her pain, but it’s been exhausting for him to continually defend his character. He adds a “look out for he who must not be named” before showing himself to the door.

Chris Harrison makes an appearance and for one shining moment I am convinced he’s here to take Luke S’s spot. Alas, he’s simply removing one more rose from the cluster on the side table.

The remaining roses adorn:

Pilot Peter

Baby Face Connor

Dylan

Dustin

MikeforBachelor

Kevin (whose shoulder is miraculously healed from the rugby injury)

Devin

Hot Dog Grant

Luke Psychopath

John Paul Jones is homeward bound, along with a dude in a pin-striped suit.

Hannah acknowledges that selecting Luke P may come as a surprise, but that her heart wants him to be here and she feels she hasn’t explored their relationship to the fullest just yet. She announces that their next destination is Scotland! My Dundee-lovin’ heart skips a beat.

my heart is still in the highlands! this place is magic. 

Luke P makes a toast for the gentlemen and Hannah: to finding your forever and having the time of our lives. Not a single soul drinks to that. Hannah awkwardly stares at a spot on the wall and MikeForBachelor chokes on his laughter.

Enough of that. It’s time for Scotland! Hannah is in awe and describes that they are in “Inverness, which is the capital of The Highlands!” Hi, you’re very wrong. The Highlands isn’t a country. Scotland is the country and the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. Moving on from geography, Hannah discusses history and Mary, Queen of Scots. She strives to be like Mary this week, minus the beheading.

The men arrive at their home for the week: Achnagairn Estate. The men claim bedrooms and clamber into clawfoot tubs. MikeForBachelor says only a one on one with Hannah could make his day better -- he wants to show her that he is her Braveheart.

Under strict instructions from production, the men wander into a local pub where - SURPRISE - Hannah greets them. She is refocused and reset and wants them to do the same. She toasts to being real and opening their hearts to love. Dates start right now! Hannah is anxious to see more of Scotland and invites MikeForBachelor to join her. His smile explodes as they make their way out of the bar.

Meanwhile, Luke P opens his mouth and a collective eye-roll commences. He is accurately dubbed the Luke-ness Monster.

Hannah and Mike begin their date by doing “Scottish things.” Apparently this entails trying on hats and meandering into an old book store. Hannah exclaims that she adores that “fresh book smell” as she sticks her nose into a spine that’s clearly older than her home country of America. Next on the agenda is a candy store. Mike and Hannah are coerced into trying the most sour candy to ever exist and their expressions are priceless. I speak from experience that these are truly mouth-puckering. Eating more than 2-3 in a sitting is painful.

not pictured : extreme taste bud pain

Since they’ve effectively burned off their taste buds, it’s time to throw back some whiskey! Hannah does far better than I did on my whiskey tasting tour.

Adequately liquored up, they stop for a beer where they are encouraged to try haggis. I yell “IT’S A TRAP!”, but the couple is clearly feeling brave. They take hesitant bites and aren’t disgusted until they’re told they just ate sheep intestines cooked inside the sheep belly. My gag reflex is active just REMEMBERING my first taste. Trust me, it’s trash.

#JustSayNotoHaggis

Despite being full of whiskey, sheep intestines, and sour candy, Mike is feeling his time with Hannah. He tells her he wants to smile and be silly and just be around her more and more. MikeforBachelor is freaking giddy, y’all. He admits it takes him longer than the average person to fall in love, but he admires how genuine Hannah is. They make out on the bridge in Inverness before cleaning up for dinner. #HaggisBreath

MikeforBachelor is in his feelings at dinner. He feels privileged, blessed, and happy to be here with Hannah. He wants to learn more about her and is the first man to ask how she ended up here. Hannah admits she was living her life man to man and adapting herself to those relationships in the past because she didn’t love herself enough. Now she accepts herself flaws and all and is ready to find a flawed man to love. Mike hasn’t been in love for almost a decade and is terrified.

Back at the estate, a date card arrives: Devin, Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Dustin, Peter, Kevin, and Garrett: Love is a battlefield. This leaves Luke P with the one on one and he is stoked. He is looking forward to a day without any distractions and tells the group he hopes to find clarity in if he wants to be here. They are agape -- isn’t this the same guy who said he was in love with her week 2? Big A** Douche Canoe move in Devin’s book.

Mike continues to pour his heart out to Hannah. He is 31 and has grown and learned a lot. He knows who he is and what he wants and is ready. He can see himself getting down on one knee in front of Hannah if he is ever so lucky. Hannah eats it up and says thank you before kissing him. She giggles as she reaches for the rose and MikeForBachelor unbuttons his top 2 buttons so she can adorn him with the bud. They wrap up the evening at a Scottish party AKA a Ceilidh.

The next day, Hannah welcomes her group date participants to the Highlands and introduces them to some renowned battle reenactors. Today will be a traditional Celtic Highland games competition. They warm up by roaring in each other’s faces (sincerely hoping everyone remembered to pack their toothbrush) before moving on to axe throwing. Pilot Pete is almost as bad as I am with wielding an axe. In fact, Hannah is the only one that sticks her landing and she immediately instructs her boyfriends to bow to their queen. #HereForIt!

The yoke race is next, wherein the gentleman rest a yoke across their shoulders with dangling buckets full of milk on either side. They must make it to the finish line first, but want to avoid spilling any milk. Let it be known that several quarts of milk are wasted in the making of this episode.

Meanwhile, Mike and Luke spend quality time together at the estate. MikeForBachelor asks Luke Psychopath why he is questioning being here. Luke is aghast; when did he say that?! Let’s review:

• When Hannah asked him to wait while she spent time with other men during the dog modeling group date
• Yesterday, when he received his date card

MikeForBachelor deems Luke’s memory selective and doesn’t appreciate that he’s messing with Hannah’s emotions.

Hannah’s Scottish warriors change into kilts behind a skimpy hedge. Black modesty boxes are multiplying like margaritas at Chili’s Happy Hour. The kilts don’t improve anyone’s axe-tossing abilities. Except for Tyler C of the Sharpest Jawline - the extra range of motion allows him to nail his hatchet to the center of the board. Yoke races are out of control and Jed pours the remaining milk from his pail over his head. Hannah somehow thought it was hot.

The hand to hand combat portion is next and the men are v concerned about showing their goods because kilts. I’m a little unsure why underwear wasn’t allowed, unless Hannah specifically requested to see all of the “bagpipes” (her euphemism, not mine!). Jed uses his turn to declare “I’d battle anyone here, but I’d love to be pinned by the queen!” while pointing at Hannah. He gently sweeps her around and off the ground before planting one on her in front of the group. Jed has no fear and it pays off: he wins the battle and the golden kilt wallet/pouch? I needed more information on this prize.

Everyone is looking forward to a drama-free evening due to Luke’s absence from this date. Hannah takes Jed aside to give him part two of his prize -- he is the proud owner of a square foot of land. They begin snogging on a bench in the open foyer and Hannah attempts to straddle him in her skin-tight dress. She settles for sitting halfway on his lap while he manhandles her backside. Mid-makout, Kevin rounds the stairwell to track down Hannah. Instead, he is greeted by a very distracted Jannah (Jed + Hannah). He makes himself scarce quickly.

Pilot Pete fakes his way through a game of pool with Hannah, but quickly clears the balls to the 4 corners in favor of throwing Hannah on top of the pool table and getting it on. It’s extra uncomfortable to watch.

Evidently sensing the cringe level of viewers, editing chooses this moment to cut to the final date card of the week. Knock, Knock. MikeForBachelor chooses to make himself scarce, leaving Luke to fetch, open, and read his own date card: “Luke, let’s figure things out one way or another.” Luke is PSYCHed and translates this to mean that one way or another they are going to get through this rough patch. WUT.

Once more sensing audience consternation, editing swings back to the group date just in time to see Hannah push Tyler C onto a bed and continue the saga of the Brotherhood of the Traveling Tongue. Tyler C of the Steel Jawline decides he is only wearing kilts from now on. You won’t hear me complaining.

Jed’s foyer performance wins him the date rose and Hannah can’t help but observe how well the date flowed without Luke in play.

Luke walks into the living room prior to his date and hears a warning from Garrett to “be a man and keep our names out of your mouth.” Luke says he plans on it, but not before he attempts to get a couple of digs in about the kilts.

Hannah is excited to see Luke, but definitely harbors anxiety for the day. She realizes there are a lot of red flags. Luke arrives and it’s worth noting that Hannah did not jog to him. She did do a signature jump and straddle, but does not greet him with a kiss. They walk to the edge of a cliff and she points out the castle ruins they are going to explore. First, they need to have a squinty-eyed conversation in the tall, dead grass. Luke, who is evidently overdue for an optometrist visit, can’t see this day going any way but phenomenal. We’ll see.

Hannah admits that the opinions of her other suitors in regards to Luke really bother her. She doesn’t understand why they don’t like him, but eleven other men can’t all be wrong. Luke’s done a lot of thinking on this topic, but doesn’t offer any clear reasons for the animosity. Hannah wants a man that people are drawn to and she can see that people aren’t being drawn to him. Luke is flummoxed -- everyone he knows loves him! He even hates talking about himself and people still love him! I am gagging. Luke P is literally Luke P’s number one hobby.

Hannah isn’t impressed. She wants to know what makes him feel and asks him to show emotion and vulnerability. Instead, Luke whips out his victim card and says the other men aren’t treating him right.

Hannah takes a break from the BS and walks over to pow-wow with producers. She doesn't know where Luke’s heart is and can’t figure out how to encourage Luke to express his emotions. The problem is psychopaths aren’t emotional creatures. She decides she’s done with the conversation right now and tells Luke they are going to go look at this castle, thrusting her hand at him for him to take.

The day clearly doesn’t improve, because Hannah does not greet him with a kiss at dinner. She monologues prior that she really likes Luke P and she hates to admit that. RED FLAG. A person you are supposed to be with should not be someone you are hesitant to gush about. Plus, this date coordinated by ABC should have been the easiest of their entire relationship and instead it was pulling teeth for Luke to share anything real.

Hannah wastes no time in expressing her discontent with their date. She couldn’t focus on their connection and relationship and did not feel met where she needed to be. Luke agrees that he had higher expectations for the date and feels that he is on thin ice. Hannah confirms that his ice is cracking because she only see his facade and he won’t own any flaws. Luke admits he has been trying to be too perfect and that it’s been difficult for him because Hannah hasn’t been herself with him and everyone is mean to him. And here, class, is where we see a prime example of gaslighting. Luke is attempting to manipulate Hannah’s perception and place blame outside of himself. Our girl doesn’t accept his words and asks to hear about what has hurt him in the past or what he struggles with. Luke talks around the question and instead postulates that he loves everything about her, even her flaws! Hello, Hannah’s flaws aren’t currently up for discussion. Hannah is aghast -- is this guy serious? She repeatedly asks if Luke is sure this is what he wants because she isn’t perfect and she won’t put on a show.

Luke misses the point entirely (per usual), and urges that if he possesses a trait that she doesn’t like then he wants to know about it. He doesn’t think he has any, but you know, for future reference. I’m not exaggerating, you guys. Those words come out of his mouth. At this point we’ve been listening to flawed Luke talk about how he doesn’t have flaws for 40 minutes and I’m losing it. So is Hannah. She retorts “don’t say you don’t have flaws, YOU DO. I won’t be married to someone who won’t take ownership of his actions.” She doesn't know that she has a reason to give Luke this rose and feels she’s tried her best to express what she needed and he couldn’t get there.

Luke, being a psychopath, blames the clock. Are you sure we had enough time today? Um yes, it’s the same amount of time as every other date she’s had. Hannah deems it her worst date so far and announces that she cannot give him this rose. Obviously, ABC chooses this moment to cut and we have to wait until next week to see if she actually sends him home. Since he’s in the previews (kneeling in a chapel…), I’m inclined to think she doesn’t send him home, but also doesn’t give him this date rose. Perhaps she’s hoping for a cocktail party redemption?

Time will tell, but I’m hopeful that Luke’s ice is cracking faster than his circular sentences can save him.

they missed out on the best castle in Scotland -- Tantallon in North Berwick