The Beccachelorette Week 3: Where the Words are Made Up and the Models Don't Matter

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This post is a couple days behind due to a mid-week work trip to Chicago, but what this post lacks in timeliness it makes up for in terms of quotability.  

Becca's boys hang out in sweatsuits and whip up breakfast. Despite the casual attire, Chris Harrison is just happy to see that Jordan is wearing clothes this morning after his stripper move the night before. Harrison announces that there will be two group dates and a single one on one date. He drops off the first date card and is on his merry way. 

"Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton-it's time to relax."

After Tia-gate, Colton is happy, relieved, and excited to be on this group date. He shouldn't be. The group jumps into a luxury bus, while Becca sets up a brunch spread fit for a queen. 5 in particular-Baby Bekah, Sienne, Kendall, Tia, and Caroline. Becca asks Tia a bit about Colton right off the bat and Tia can't help but assume that Colton thought Tia was going to be the bachelorette. Something tells me Tia thought she was a Bachelorette shoo-in before Arie ruined everything. 

Becca dons a spa robe and invites the men into the facility. Plot twist-they are going to be pampering her special clients AKA her friends. Colton freezes when he sees Tia, Tia gives him an awkward royal wave indicating "yeah we've seen each other naked just be cool." 

Becca introduces her guys to her tribe, which goes relatively well until she gets to Jason and spaces. Sucker. Punch. You know you've made a limited impression when she forgets your name during week THREE. 

The guys are diving headfirst into their role as unpaid spa employees. They start painting toenails, David rubs Becca's shoulders, Jordan rubs her feet, and Becca is just glad she shaved her legs today. 

Despite the bottomless mimosas and awkward group date dynamic, Becca is feeling burdened by Tia-gate. She takes Tia aside to chat privately. Tia acknowledges that she and Colton only kissed and never had an established conversation about what they were. Tia knew Colton had applied for the show, but unfortunately can't alleviate Becca's fear that his presence here now was meant for Tia. Becca and Tia exchange "i love yous" and I wonder for a moment if Tia will get the date rose. 

Becca's friends hug her suitors goodbye, and the group moves their party to a bar. Becca is rocking another badass red dress and Jason has applied an entire bottle of hair gel to his locks. The guys compare nail polish hues. JB goes in first for some alone time with Becca. Jason is up next, and Becca really likes him now that she knows his name. In an attempt to make up for forgetting it earlier, she admits she has a little crush on him and he makes her nervous. Jason instantly forgives her for her mental slip and they make out on the couch. 

Jordan begins bragging about his Tinder matches. Apparently in 2017, he reached 4000 matches on Tinder. I broke that down mathematically to mean he had to swipe right on nearly 11 people per calendar day. Jordan swears he wasn't on Tinder everyday, but he does believe he has a 100% match rate on Tinder. Essentially he thinks that if he swiped right on a woman it was basically guaranteed that she'd do the same for him. Why? Because attached to him is "his face" and "professionality." 

David takes the opportunity to squeal on Jordan's Tinder escapades to Becca. He hopes his childish move has landed Becca on #teamchicken rather than #teammodel. 

Becca and Jordan get some one on one time where Jordan agonizes that it's hard for him to be a model. Is this guy for real?! He goes on to say that he is a golden retriever in a relationship, though I'm not sure why. 
Becca offers Jordan a high five for his 4000 matches. Jordan thanks her, but deems David a skeleton of a man and offers a toast to David "being a bitch." Wills chokes on his drink, JB gulps wine, Jason hugs a throw pillow as they all struggle not to laugh at the scene in front of them. 

With Tia-gate still not quite resolved, Becca and Colton take a seat. She explains that she doesn't want to end up in a relationship again where the other person didn't actually want her. Colton maintains that he has strong feelings for Becca and that he'd like her to get to know more about him. They share some smoldering kisses and she asks him to accept the date rose because jawline. and dimples. 

Ding Dong Date Card: "Chris," and then I missed the rest because I was just so excited for him. He was in my bachelor league line up this week too! 

Chris and Becca show up to Capitol Studios. Grammy award winner, Richard Marx, greets them before announcing the activity of the day as writing a love song together. 

Seeing as this is their first date, Chris is bit concerned with being vulnerable. His parents were divorced at a young ago and he was abandoned by his father. Writing his feelings on paper scares him. Becca tries to comfort him with her "calming presence." Chris' words, not mine. 

The love song they write makes me cringe and Richard Marx then puts it all to music. They're hungry after all that vulnerability, so dinner is next on the agenda. Becca continues to kill the dress game. Chris opens up about why writing his feelings was so difficult today. Becca thanks him for sharing his past. Wherever Chris' father is, all of Bachelor Nation hates him. Becca gives Chris the rose and they dance to a private concert by none other than Richard Marx. 

Back at the mansion, it's storming and an ambulance is waiting outside. David is being carried out on the stretcher, the camera man catches blood streaks everywhere, and Lincoln monologues "please do not die." Chris Harrison arrives at Becca's door in the morning to inform her that there's been a tragic accident. David...fell out of his top bunk. He's in ICU with a busted nose and face. Because our resident chicken is used to a king bed, he misjudged the space he had to roll over and landed on his face. Becca makes a pity phone call to check on his recovery, but can't chat for long as she has a group date to get ready for! 

Ding Dong Date card: "Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Conner, and Blake"--we can tackle anything together.

Her chosen guys meet Becca at the football field. The Legends football league is here to keep an eye on the guys and train them up right. Clay is in his element and is ready to show off on the field. Becca doesn't mind the view. The Becca Bowl ensues with the white team versus navy team. Clay performs well and so does long hair Mike surprisingly. After one of his touchdowns, Clay complains of wrist pain and is taken to the hospital in an ambulance (the second one of the episode if anyone is counting). 

The group congregates at Big Daddy's antique shop (I can't make this stuff up). Clay is still getting his wrist checked out so Becca is down one date. Garrett and Becca exchange kisses and she spends time with Lincoln and Leo as well. Blake is starting to get in his head and doesn't feel as confident in their relationship. Becca does her best to reassure him. Clay rolls in with his sling. He wasn't about to miss out on the opportunity for this date rose--he may have broken his arm for it. He has to get checked out by an orthopedic surgeon the following day. Becca decides to give the rose to someone who makes her feel like a princess and Clay's journey from the ER was all worth it. 

Unfortunately breaking news between Trump and North Korea interrupted our recording so I missed the last 10 minutes of the show. Google tells me I didn't miss a rose ceremony, but that Clay does require surgery for his arm. He ultimately has to walk away from the show so he can get this operation in order to play football again and support his family.