Bachelor Recap Week Three: I Need ABC to Pay for Second Hand Embarrassment Therapy
Confession: I'm feeling truly let down by Arie and ABC this Bachelor season. Arie has zero swag, often has self-tanner smeared on the sides of his face, and I'm not particularly attracted to him. But the recaps must go on and the good news for Arie is that Krystal and her baby voice are all about him.
If you remember, we left off last rose ceremony with everyone hating Krystal, Bibiana most of all. The morning after, the ladies are physically and emotionally drained and 60% of the group are rocking prescription eye wear.
Chris Harrison strolls in, does some quick addition, and announces there are 18 ladies remaining. Time is precious, take advantage of it. Krystal nods sagely. This week there will be 2 group dates and 1 one on one date.
Group Date Card: Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana, Krystal--it's all about the ring.
The women quickly come to the conclusion it must be in reference to boxing or wresting. Jacqueline cowers in fear because she is not the sporty type. They arrive at GLOB--Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor wrestling, a spin off of GLOW. They learn they will be wresting in front of a live audience. Jacqueline comments this could be a bad scenario since Bibiana and Krystal don't need another reason to fight. The group learns the moves from GLOW veterans, who take turns making Bibiana and Tia cry.
After practice, the women get dolled up in various costumes for the real deal. Arie enters the ring first and is confronted by Kenny, an ex off of Rachel's season, and a true wrestler. Arie is genuinely concerned and racking his brain to remember which part of his ABC contract said he had to participate in this. Kenny proceeds to demolish Arie in the ring, but with a well-practiced move, Arie grabs Kenny by his crotch to bring him down in the final seconds.
Now that Arie has had a chance to prove his masculinity, the ladies are at bat. The lunch lady battles the sex kitten. Miss America pounces on a cougar. The southern belle smashes the bridezilla. The ABC intern worked overtime on procuring these imaginative ensembles. Perhaps a theater major?
Once the after party is in full swing, Arie admits he was not in his element today. In a move surprising to no one, Krystal, wearing romper that I'm certain is giving her a front and back wedgie simultaneously, grabs Arie first. She croons that she's just not sure what she's supposed to do on these group dates and needs validation that being aggressive is just fine.
Meanwhile, Bibiana is getting her panties in a wad. She feels she needs to chat with Arie about Krystal. As soon as she makes this statement, I know her days are numbered. Everyone knows that the Bachelor/ette always, always, ALWAYS shoots the messenger. Sure enough, Arie encourages her to concentrate on them and not the drama.
Bekah and Arie get some alone time in an airstream at the after party. He asks her how long her longest relationship was. She thinks back to high school and says it was about 2-3 years, just one of those things where they were going 2 different directions (I think she means colleges). They say totally a lot and totally decide to make out. Bekah gets points for the first straddle of the episode. I regret to say there was more than one.
Krystal is confident that she and Arie have the strongest connection in the house and expects the date rose. Arie gives it to baby Bekah instead of baby voice. Krystal struggles to maintain her smile.
Back at the mansion, Chelsea monologues that she is certain she'll be on the one on one date this week because now that Arie knows she has a kid he won't want to waste her time (remember, her time away from home is more important than anyone else's because she's a mother). Because I've been watching this show for 8 years and am on to these producers, I know she won't get that one on one as soon as she finishes her sentence.
Ding Dong Date Card: Lauren S, you had me at Merlot. She is excited and nervous and 80% sure this date will involve wine.
Sure enough, Lauren S and Arie head to Napa for the day where they successfully set the record for most painful date to watch. They walked among vines and picked grapes, chatting about bedtimes and cardigans. The evening portion of the date did not get better. Lauren S struggles to be vulnerable and switches between topics faster than Arie races cars. Unfortunately, Arie is not picking up what she is struggling to put down and decides she will not get the date rose. Instead, he and the date rose walk slowly to a room to be serenaded by a private string quartet alone. There are worse places to get dumped than Napa, Lauren S.
Ding Dong Date Card: Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese..love is RUFF.
You'll never believe it, but not only did Annaliese have a traumatic bumper car experience, she also had a truly terrifying dog experience. Her palms begin to sweat just thinking about it.
The girls join Arie at a dog park. Their task? Take 7 mutts from the local shelter and turn them into showstoppers in half an hour. They are expected to perform in front of a live audience. Needless to say, not a single dog performs well and Best in Show should probably be given to Annaliese for being the stage Pooper Scooper.
After making a stop for quickie rabies shots, Arie takes the ladies to a bar for the after party. He takes Chelsea aside first because he literally cannot read a room to save his life. Annaliese gets time with Arie, giggles throughout the entire conversation, and desperately wants him to kiss her. He doesn't, and she adds this to her list of traumatic experiences.
Becca tells Arie that today was weird since she is starting to have feelings for him and he didn't expect them so soon. Arie compliments her ass in yoga pants.
Date rose goes to Chelsea.
At the cocktail party, Annaliese is on a mission to check kissing Arie of the bucket list. But first, Bibiana has set up a private cabana stargazing platform for Arie so she can snag some private time with him. Unfortunately, the ABC intern failed to deliver the message that the cabana was for a specific purpose, and Arie brings several woman to the staged area that evening. Bibiana is broken.
As women compare kissing notes, Annaliese takes refuge in the snack setup in the kitchen. She finally works up enough courage to lead Arie to the balcony, certain this will be the perfect setting to land one on pillow lips. I cringe in anticipation of what's to come. She essentially asks him to kiss her and he says they aren't ready for it. She giggles in response. I cover my eyes.
Arie continues to make the rounds to visit with the women and gets straddled one more time before Annaliese decides she needs to know once and for all if there is any future for them. I shout No! at the screen. Since she's brought it up, Arie lets her know he doesn't see it for them. She waves goodbye to the women and leaves the mansion. I'm certain she had a nice long meeting with the ABC therapist before heading home.
Rose Ceremony:
Caroline
Kendall
Ashley
Lauren
Brittany
Becca
Sienne
Krystal
Tia
Maquel
Jenna
Jacqueline
Marikh
Broken Bibiana heads home for a short hiatus before receiving her Winter Games invitation. Did you guys catch that commercial? That is exactly the kind of drama I am here for.
Can we all agree to be glad there is only one Lauren left? Who are your frontrunners? I would bet that Chelsea and Becca make it to hometowns. See you all next week for their time in Tahoe!
If you remember, we left off last rose ceremony with everyone hating Krystal, Bibiana most of all. The morning after, the ladies are physically and emotionally drained and 60% of the group are rocking prescription eye wear.
Chris Harrison strolls in, does some quick addition, and announces there are 18 ladies remaining. Time is precious, take advantage of it. Krystal nods sagely. This week there will be 2 group dates and 1 one on one date.
Group Date Card: Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B, Tia, Marikh, Bekah, Bibiana, Krystal--it's all about the ring.
The women quickly come to the conclusion it must be in reference to boxing or wresting. Jacqueline cowers in fear because she is not the sporty type. They arrive at GLOB--Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor wrestling, a spin off of GLOW. They learn they will be wresting in front of a live audience. Jacqueline comments this could be a bad scenario since Bibiana and Krystal don't need another reason to fight. The group learns the moves from GLOW veterans, who take turns making Bibiana and Tia cry.
After practice, the women get dolled up in various costumes for the real deal. Arie enters the ring first and is confronted by Kenny, an ex off of Rachel's season, and a true wrestler. Arie is genuinely concerned and racking his brain to remember which part of his ABC contract said he had to participate in this. Kenny proceeds to demolish Arie in the ring, but with a well-practiced move, Arie grabs Kenny by his crotch to bring him down in the final seconds.
Now that Arie has had a chance to prove his masculinity, the ladies are at bat. The lunch lady battles the sex kitten. Miss America pounces on a cougar. The southern belle smashes the bridezilla. The ABC intern worked overtime on procuring these imaginative ensembles. Perhaps a theater major?
Once the after party is in full swing, Arie admits he was not in his element today. In a move surprising to no one, Krystal, wearing romper that I'm certain is giving her a front and back wedgie simultaneously, grabs Arie first. She croons that she's just not sure what she's supposed to do on these group dates and needs validation that being aggressive is just fine.
Meanwhile, Bibiana is getting her panties in a wad. She feels she needs to chat with Arie about Krystal. As soon as she makes this statement, I know her days are numbered. Everyone knows that the Bachelor/ette always, always, ALWAYS shoots the messenger. Sure enough, Arie encourages her to concentrate on them and not the drama.
Bekah and Arie get some alone time in an airstream at the after party. He asks her how long her longest relationship was. She thinks back to high school and says it was about 2-3 years, just one of those things where they were going 2 different directions (I think she means colleges). They say totally a lot and totally decide to make out. Bekah gets points for the first straddle of the episode. I regret to say there was more than one.
Krystal is confident that she and Arie have the strongest connection in the house and expects the date rose. Arie gives it to baby Bekah instead of baby voice. Krystal struggles to maintain her smile.
Back at the mansion, Chelsea monologues that she is certain she'll be on the one on one date this week because now that Arie knows she has a kid he won't want to waste her time (remember, her time away from home is more important than anyone else's because she's a mother). Because I've been watching this show for 8 years and am on to these producers, I know she won't get that one on one as soon as she finishes her sentence.
Ding Dong Date Card: Lauren S, you had me at Merlot. She is excited and nervous and 80% sure this date will involve wine.
Sure enough, Lauren S and Arie head to Napa for the day where they successfully set the record for most painful date to watch. They walked among vines and picked grapes, chatting about bedtimes and cardigans. The evening portion of the date did not get better. Lauren S struggles to be vulnerable and switches between topics faster than Arie races cars. Unfortunately, Arie is not picking up what she is struggling to put down and decides she will not get the date rose. Instead, he and the date rose walk slowly to a room to be serenaded by a private string quartet alone. There are worse places to get dumped than Napa, Lauren S.
Ding Dong Date Card: Ashley, Becca, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, Annaliese..love is RUFF.
You'll never believe it, but not only did Annaliese have a traumatic bumper car experience, she also had a truly terrifying dog experience. Her palms begin to sweat just thinking about it.
The girls join Arie at a dog park. Their task? Take 7 mutts from the local shelter and turn them into showstoppers in half an hour. They are expected to perform in front of a live audience. Needless to say, not a single dog performs well and Best in Show should probably be given to Annaliese for being the stage Pooper Scooper.
After making a stop for quickie rabies shots, Arie takes the ladies to a bar for the after party. He takes Chelsea aside first because he literally cannot read a room to save his life. Annaliese gets time with Arie, giggles throughout the entire conversation, and desperately wants him to kiss her. He doesn't, and she adds this to her list of traumatic experiences.
Becca tells Arie that today was weird since she is starting to have feelings for him and he didn't expect them so soon. Arie compliments her ass in yoga pants.
Date rose goes to Chelsea.
At the cocktail party, Annaliese is on a mission to check kissing Arie of the bucket list. But first, Bibiana has set up a private cabana stargazing platform for Arie so she can snag some private time with him. Unfortunately, the ABC intern failed to deliver the message that the cabana was for a specific purpose, and Arie brings several woman to the staged area that evening. Bibiana is broken.
As women compare kissing notes, Annaliese takes refuge in the snack setup in the kitchen. She finally works up enough courage to lead Arie to the balcony, certain this will be the perfect setting to land one on pillow lips. I cringe in anticipation of what's to come. She essentially asks him to kiss her and he says they aren't ready for it. She giggles in response. I cover my eyes.
Arie continues to make the rounds to visit with the women and gets straddled one more time before Annaliese decides she needs to know once and for all if there is any future for them. I shout No! at the screen. Since she's brought it up, Arie lets her know he doesn't see it for them. She waves goodbye to the women and leaves the mansion. I'm certain she had a nice long meeting with the ABC therapist before heading home.
Rose Ceremony:
Caroline
Kendall
Ashley
Lauren
Brittany
Becca
Sienne
Krystal
Tia
Maquel
Jenna
Jacqueline
Marikh
Broken Bibiana heads home for a short hiatus before receiving her Winter Games invitation. Did you guys catch that commercial? That is exactly the kind of drama I am here for.
Can we all agree to be glad there is only one Lauren left? Who are your frontrunners? I would bet that Chelsea and Becca make it to hometowns. See you all next week for their time in Tahoe!
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