Christmas used to be my very favorite time of the year. I would start playing Christmas music in October (maybe late September), and begin my Christmas shopping as early as August.
But this year is different.
Christmas 2012 was the last time for "Cajun Night Before Christmas." The last time Oakes and I would watch movies together on Christmas eve and actually want to go to bed kind of early. The last time we would be antagonized about waiting to open presents and stockings. The last time for Chinese food after the candlelight Christmas eve service. The last time for holiday baking. If I had known Christmas 2012 was the last time I'd feel whole, I would have never wanted a new year.
And now Christmas just makes me sad and I kind of can't wait for it to be over. Part of what makes it so horrible is that me and my future holidays and celebrations were at the mercy of other people's decisions. I didn't choose this brokenness, I was told to think fast while it was thrown at me.
I was talking to my friend Emily after Thanksgiving and she said something that I think is very true. She lost her dad about 2 years ago to cancer and she also experiences how holidays are never the same. It doesn't mean they cannot ever be good again, but it will never be the same kind of good. And apparently, for me, the good is going to take years to get here.
It made me think that as I get older, holidays get suckier.
A Very Lucky Girl doesn't want to get any older.