Bachelor Recap Week 1: Making Mondays Great Again

I should start by stating the obvious: I’m not here to make friends. My level of excitement for Colton Underwood's season is approximately a negative 700. My guess is that producers are hoping he’ll be Sean Lowe 2.0, what with the whole All-American blonde, blue eyed, V-card holding vibe he has. I was Team Banker Jason from Buffalo, NY for Bachelor, but nobody asked me.

Despite my repeated grumblings about how annoying Colton would be as the Bachelor, I was still in front of the TV at our season kickoff viewing party at Lori’s house. We dined on taco salads (because NEW YEAR NEW ME) and settled in to poke fun at Colton’s litany of ladies and pop Skittles every time someone mentioned Colton's virginity.

As with seasons past, night one is often somewhat of a cluster so I will recap based on each individual lady. ABC threw another wrench into my recap plans by making the premiere THREE HOURS LONG!? and featuring live looks at viewing parties in California, Utah, Michigan, and Dallas. Chris Harrison, on his SEVENTEENTH year of hosting, still appears to be aging in reverse and introduces the LA Bachelor royalty, including Wells, Wills, and a hot tub in the dang parking lot filled with freshly engaged Krystal and Chris. Kaitlyn and JoJo are reporting live from Dallas at Steam Theory Brewing Company (Harrison’s business, by the way) and Chris Harrison’s MOM makes an appearance as well. Blake, Jason, Krystal, and Sienne are holding down the fort in Lansing, Michigan at a super-fan couple’s viewing party while Jared and Ashley gather with fans in Park City, Utah.

I’m still not sure how our Oklahoma watch party didn’t make the cut for a visit from former Bachelor royalty. I would have settled for Chase McNary or even James Taylor, but no luck. Becca and Garrett eventually join Jared and Ashley in Park City, but look very mismatched for this occasion. Becca models a shimmery cocktail dress while Garrett sports a pullover shirt that looks perfect for the slopes, but not for national television. Did someone lose his luggage? Two separate couples in attendance at these various viewing parties get engaged and Colton’s like: THUNDER BEING STOLEN.

Because ABC likes to remind everyone that they don’t only produce failed engagements, a montage of successful couples is played. Jason and Molly, Ryan and Trista, JP and Ashley, Jade and Tanner, Carly and Evan, Desiree and Chris, and even expectant parents, Arie and Lauren, are filmed with their kiddos and talk about the families they’ve created thanks to the wonders of reality TV and the magic that is Chris Harrison. Noticeably absent was Sean and Catherine Lowe and their two sons…

To refresh your memory, Colton (26) is from Denver, Colorado and is a former pro football player. We first met him on Becca’s season and then saw him again on Bachelor in Paradise during summer 2018. For those keeping score at home, this is his 3rd attempt at love with the Bachelor franchise. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but he and Tia (from Arie’s season) had a thing before he met Becca, then didn’t have a thing, then had a thing again during Bachelor in Paradise, and now they don’t. It’s a lot to keep up with, which is what I’m here for. Colton claims he never expected to be the next Bachelor and my eyes roll into the back of my head. PUH-leaze, he was auditioning the second Becca sent him packing. He throws some tires around in a workout and takes his time soaping up his abs in the shower. As the limos approach, Colton struggles to tug his suit jacket over his beefy shoulders.

After nearly 50 minutes of live chit chat, it’s finally time to meet the THIRTY women competing for FabFitFun sponsorship and/or Colton’s affection.

Cassie (23) is from Huntington Beach, California. She is a speech pathologist and often works with kids. She appears fresh-faced and wholesome and is instantly in my top 5. However, her flowy, floral, babydoll dress choice for night 1 is disappointing. She arrives with a box of plastic butterflies replicating the ones she insists are in her stomach currently. She dumps the box at Colton’s feet and he tucks one into his jacket pocket. Later, she teaches Colton sign language for key Bachelor terms like rose and kiss, but only gets one of the two. Luckily, it’s a rose so she has hope for the kiss next week.

Hannah B. is Miss Alabama 2018. She dubs herself the hot mess express and boasts that she’s only kissed 4 guys which is basically the same as still having her V card (she doesn’t actually have it though?). Later in the evening she shares with Colton that she struggles feelings of inadequacy. They agree to only have “real talk” during their conversations. Her early vulnerability earns a rose.

Katie from the East Coast loves to dance and declares Colton is absolutely her type. She is adamant that if he loves her and she loves him then yeah, they could end up engaged. That is generally how all relationships work, Katie. She makes her first impression with a “V-Card” card trick. Groundbreaking. She and Colton share close relationships with their respective families and she gets a rose.

Heather (22) has never been kissed. She first met Colton at a charity event in San Diego for 15 seconds last year and has a framed photo of the two of them already. She is first to arrive in a red dress that Lauren from Dallas is also wearing, but I guess Heather wore it better since she gets a rose.

Onyekachukwu (24) is an IT Risk consultant and thankfully goes by Onyeka. Her parents are from Nigeria and only dated for 2 weeks before they were engaged so they really consider 8 weeks of Bachelor filming to be a long courtship. Onyeka takes it upon herself to be the group spokesperson when Catherine monopolizes Colton’s time. She approaches the couple blowing a whistle and wearing a snorkel mask with the announcement, “I heard you were drowning in some B******* and I came to come save you!” Catherine and Onyeka sit down for a very passive aggressive conversation in which Onyeka says she just wants Catherine to respect everyone and Catherine retorts that if she has haters that means she’s doing something right.

Catherine is a DJ from Ft. Lauderdale and decides to bring her dog, Lucy, onto the show. She hands her to Colton and instructs him to take good care of her. Colton recruits Chris Harrison to dog-sit. You remember her most for interrupting other girls 4x to speak with Colton. By the 4th time, Colton is a deer in headlights as he asks her how she is doing AGAIN. Nevertheless, her crazy gets a rose because ratings #producerpick.

Nicole is a social media coordinator from Miami, but she’s really not about the hook-up culture. She is about showing off her goods in a tight green dress though. Her family deems Colton better looking than Brad Pitt. It’s 2019, do we even use Brad Pitt as the golden standard in looks anymore? She is hoping her Spanish greeting will set her apart from the other 29 women. Unlucky for her, about ⅓ of the group is bilingual.

Kirpa the dental hygienist is hoping hard that Colton flosses because #dealbreaker. She compliments him on his speech at the start of the cocktail party and says it helped to calm her down.

Demi (23) is an interior designer and the daughter of a federal prisoner. Her mom is incarcerated for embezzlement but is supposedly getting out of the clink soon. Demi can hardly believe Colton is a virgin because she equates sex to cupcakes and/or pokemon. Gotta catch all the flavors! She labels herself a confetti cupcake as a result #gagme. Her opening line to Colton is the ladylike “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12.” She positions herself to the be the one who hands Colton a drink when he walks into the living room and is the first to steal him away. She plays dumb as if she doesn’t know much about Colton even though he’s been all over ABC for the past 8 months. She likes long-boarding and four-wheeling “even though I look so pretty.” Stop. Please let other people tell you that you’re pretty.

Tayshia is a phlebotomist but steers clear of any creepy blood-related opening lines. Instead, she sets up a “Tayshia Land” in the Bachelor driveway and makes Colton be the animal for the pony rides as he carries her on piggy back.

Caelynn is Miss North Carolina and competed with Miss Alabama (Hannah B) in the pagaent circuit. They aren’t exactly excited about the unexpected reunion. Caelynn wears a Miss North Carolina sash that she flips around to display “Miss Underwood” when she meets Colton. Hi, let’s go back to 3rd grade and learn the difference between Miss and Mrs. IF SHE WAS MISS UNDERWOOD SHE WOULD BE HIS SISTER. Okay, stepping off my nitpicky soapbox now. I just think if you’re going to have a custom sash made, maybe double check the phrase? Contrary to her state title, Caelynn is actually from Virginia and has only lived in North Carolina for a year. She loves to travel more than anything so she and Colton bond over the fact that she was dumped in Thailand while he was dumped right before Thailand. She gets the first kiss of the season and is “about it.” Rose for Caelynn.

Sydney, a former NBA dancer, goes straight for the guilt-trip when she confides that she had to quit her job to come meet Colton. She sets up a string quartet in the driveway and teaches Colton to dance. We’ll never know if it her sweet moves or her near nip slip, but Colton gives her a rose.

Elyse is the only ginger and flaunts a necklace and earring set from 1990, but her vintage jewelry and red locks merit a rose.

Tahzjuan coaches herself to stay upright on her heels with “if you’re going to fall, fall for Colton.” Instead, she falls to a rose-less state and departs the mansion tearfully as the sun rises.

Caitlin brings a red balloon and takes a pin to it, insisting that now that she’s popped his cherry they don’t need to talk about virginity anymore. First of all, her statement isn’t even biologically correct. Secondly, Colton must have not done so well in biology either and gives her a rose.

Alex D. from Cape Cod shows up in a sloth costume because she heard he likes to take things slow. She slo-mo lunges across the driveway and elongates her words to a painfully languid pace. She eventually loses the costume and her speech pace doubles, but it was too little too

late for Colton. No rose.

Courtney, from Georgia, shows up with a sweet Georgia peach and essentially force feeds it to Colton in the driveway. As the night goes on and time with Colton slips away, she frets that “he needs to know I’m not just fruit!!” Evidently she got some un-aired facetime or Colton appreciated the evening snack since she gets a rose.

Erika, a recruiter, brings him a giant bag of nuts to help him remember her last name. He still needs a reminder later, but she’s hard to forget after she point blank asks him why he is a virgin. I’m still not buying the whole “it was a conscious decision when I was younger and then I got busy with a career” schtick, but it’s his story and he’s sticking to it. Her candid question is rewarded with a rose.

Tracy (31) from LA shows up in a police car, lights and sirens on full blast. She dubs herself the fashion police and hands him a pair of handcuffs for safe-keeping. He says he’ll hang onto them for the fantasy suite. I hide between a couch cushion. Later on, Tracy invites him to decorate a pair of tennis shoes with her before Catherine steals him for the second time. Colton decides he wants to kick it with her for another week and gives her a rose.  

Angelique joins the rest of the sparkle squad in a floor-length stunner, but did nothing else noteworthy besides receive a rose.

Devin is a broadcast journalist. Breaking news: no rose.

Nina from Raleigh speaks Croatian and really hopes her language skills will help her stand out. Nothing else about her does, but Colton still give her a rose.

On the other hand, Alex B. shows up with a serious case of laryngitis, but uses cue cards to indicate she wouldn’t have missed this for the world. Somehow she still gets a rose.

Bri takes on a fake Australian accent. Colton doesn’t see through it and she get a rose. I’m looking forward to this ruse blowing up in her face.

Revian is a nurse who speaks Mandarin, but with bilingual ladies a dime a dozen this season, her talents don’t merit a rose.

Laura, the accountant from Dallas, shows up in the same red dress as Never Been Kissed Heather. Surprisingly, fashion police Tracy does not get involved, but Laura does get sent home.

Hannah G, also from Alabama, shows up with an empty gift box that’s supposed to indicate Colton’s favorite brand of underwear. Guess our bachelor goes commando. She sips rose asks Colton about when he “used to do football and stuff” and if he was as nervous now as he was on the field. He says the nerves are similar and they take three deep breaths together to calm down. Colton gives her the first impression rose and an extra-tongue-y kiss because she reminds him of home.

Jane, the social worker, brings a picture of their dogs photoshopped together. Unfortunately for her, Colton doesn’t dig the clipart and sends her home with the frame.

Erin arrives in a Cinderella-esque carriage and symbolically leaves one of her shoes with Colton. She hobbles around on one heel for the reminder of the night until she turns into a pumpkin and hobbles right out of the mansion sans rose.

23 women remain to date our Bachelor. My front runners are both Alabama Hannahs and Cassie. I’m counting on Demi and Catherine to keep the pot stirred to a simmering level of drama.