Wednesday, January 4, 2017

4th Time On National Television is the Charm: Bachelor Recap Week One

Once upon a time I told anyone that would listen that I was not going to watch The Bachelor this season, much less blog about it, because Nick Viall is a terrible person. But here we are.

Peer pressure is real. 

For those of you who don't know, Nick Viall (pronounced vile rather than the city in Colorado) is making his fourth appearance on national television in what we can all hope is his final attempt to "find love." So far he has found three ex-girlfriends and 8 bottles of tequila in paradise. He was on Andi's season, Kaitlyn's season, and Bachelor in Paradise. As he prepares for this journey (which he has now packed for FOUR times, what on earth does this dude do for a living?), he hangs out with his 10 siblings and muses, "I don't have care how many times I have to go on TV try!" 

Before the big opening night, previous Bachelors Sean Lowe, Ben Higgins, and Chris Soules bro out in California sunshine. Whose idea was it to put the albino father in the direct sunlight? Pass poor Sean some sunscreen! Nick appears and the men all make digs about Nick's previous failed attempts at love. 

Then, it's time to meet the girls. Nick glides across the freshly hosed Bachelor Mansion driveway, sporting a polka dot tie which pleasantly reminds me of Kate Spade. Point for Vile Vaill. We meet:

  • Danielle and both of her nipples. Well, almost. She is a business owner and one of those businesses is a nail salon. Her dress plunges to terrifying depths. Nick pronounces her beautiful so she and her cleavage receive a rose. 
  • Elizabeth. She wears a long white dress. Certainly intended for Nick's brain to register "bride." The trick works and she gets a rose.
  • Rachel the attorney. She is 31 and lives in Dallas. Although she is a Cowboys fan, Nick still chooses to give her the first impression rose later on in the evening. She could fit the entire stem in the gap between her two front teeth (I'm allowed to say this since I have a similar gap #retainerlifer)
  • Christen from Tulsa, Oklahoma. She chose to dress like a highlighter in a shockingly yellow dress. She pronounces Nick taller than she thought and proceeds to teach him ballroom dancing. Rose to Christen. 
  • Taylor from Seattle, who also happens to be a mental health counselor. She just received her Masters. Something tells me ABC thought she could pull double duty on this season. "hey, yeah fall in love with Nick while also keeping everyone on the show sane, OK?" She thinks Nick is so "brave" for doing this a 4th time. I wonder if they teach the definition of insanity in mental health courses (doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result). Rose to the shrink. 
  • Kristina with a strange accent that I can't quite place. She cries a lot throughout the evening, but does end up with a rose. 
  • Angela. To quote Corinne, she was irrelevant. No rose. 
  • Lauren the law school grad AKA perpetual job seeker. Funnily enough, her last name is Hussy. Together, she and Nick make a disgusting slut. Her words, not mine! Nick doesn't find the joke nearly as funny as she thought he would. No rose. 
  • Michelle. Who? No rose (duh). 
  • Dominique. She wore a turquoise dress and her profession is "restaurant server." Rose.
  • Ida Maria invites Nick to do a trust fall upon their first introduction. He catches her and but does not give her a rose.
  • Olivia from Alaska offers up an Eskimo kiss. Nick agrees, but she does not receive a rose. This was a poor judgment call. 
  • Sarah wore her jogging shoes in order to "run up" to the previous "runner-up." You could almost HEAR the camera men groaning. Her sprint was not vain. Rose received.
  • Jasmine came with another man, but not just any man. No, she brought along Neil Lane so she could tell Nick exactly what cut and color and clarity she needed. He did not take notes, but she did get a rose. 
  • Hailey from Canada opens with the line "do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?" Nick doesn't and it turns out that neither does she. Her commando clue earns a rose. 
  • Astrid wows Nick with her German language skills. Rose-d. 
  • Liz. Ah, the plot thickens. As it turns out, Liz was the maid of honor at Jade and Tanner's wedding. Nick, after his two previous appearance on the Bachelorette, was a guest at the event. Liz and Nick hit it off and hooked up that evening. He even asked for her number. Liz turned him down, but yet shows up 9 months later in the driveway of Bachelor Mansion. Nick has a lot of questions about this turn of events, seeing how Jade has his number and Liz could have connected with him several months previously. Something tells me she's not here for the right reasons, however Nick gives her the last rose of the evening.
  • Corinne is a "multi-million dollar business owner" and I know it because she told us 4 times. It is worth noting that it is her father's business that she is taking over. She lives in Miami with her family and her nanny, Raquel. She comments that true love has been difficult. Maybe firing the nanny is good place to start. Corinne takes the first kiss and I mean that literally because Nick was not going to offer it. DING DING DING I believe we have found the one who is not here to make friends. Obviously, she gets a rose. 
  • Vanessa from Quebec speaks French and Italian and teaches special needs students. Swoon. Even I would give Vanessa a rose. Nick agrees. 
  • Danielle from Nashville is a neonatal intensive care nurse. Everytime she comes onto the screen I have to punch the volume up. Soft-spoken is an understatement. She brings maple syrup to Nick for him to lick it off her finger. I did not see that one coming. She receives a rose. 
  • Raven from Arkansas owns a clothing boutique. Her accent will be the bane of my existence, but Nick gives her a rose. 
  • Jaimi from New Orleans is a chef with an aggressive nose piercing. Nick likes the balls and she receives a rose. 
  • Briana, one of the 4-5 nurses, brings a stethoscope so she can listen to his heart. Apparently she needs to work on her bedside manner--no rose. 
  • Susannah offers Nick a beard massage. He does not reciprocate with a massage or a rose. 
  • Josephine from Santa Cruz bring Nick a raw hot dog and offers to eat it "lady and the tramp" style with him. She also has one cat. The only standing between her and a houseful of cats is Nick. The animal shelters mourn as she receives a rose. 
  • Whitney rides in on a camel because "i hear you like a good hump." You can't beat a camel-Whitney gets a rose. 
  • Alexis from Jersey Shore would love to be a dolphin trainer. She arrives in a shark costume but spends most of the evening making dolphin calls, treading through the pool, and insisting it's a dolphin costume. Sadly, I don't think her actions were entirely alcohol-induced. But in the end, her flipper clutches a rose. 
To recap the recap: Vanessa, Danielle L, Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth W, Jasmine G, Raven, Kristina, Danielle M, Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis/Shark?, Hailey, Whitney, Dominique, Jaimi, Brittany, and Liz receive roses. 21 women remain out of the 30 who arrived. As the sun rises on Bachelor Mansion, the driveway is now slick with the tears of the departed. See you next week friends!

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