Wednesday, January 11, 2017

2nd Episode, 2nd Base: Bachelor Recap Week Two

Week two opens with the woman toasting with mimosas mere hours after the longest night of their lives. I wish they would've shared. I learned far too late into this episode that an entire bottle of wine would've gone a long way to making it more bearable. #allthecringing
Chris Harrison swoops into the estrogen-infested living room to inform the 22 women remaining that there will be two group dates and a one on one date this week. He grabs his paycheck on his way out the door. Spoiler alert: we won't be seeing him again until next week. 

ding dong date card! Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Haley, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L, Taylor, Elizabeth W.: Always a bridesmaid...
Corinne raises the 56th red flag by announcing that she has never been a bridesmaid. Probably because she alienates any women that may have considered it. The women, with their perfectly coiffed hair, hop into 3 blue sports cars and follow google maps to the designated location (cursing Harrison for the convertibles the whole way). Upon arrival, they jog en masse into the backyard of a mansion where Nick informs the group that they will be taking wedding photos. When Tanner and I took our engagement photos I had to practically bribe him with shots of fireball to get him to relax and smile so the fact that Nick chose this as a date is a bit disturbing. The women are assigned bride personas and ushered into hair and makeup. Corinne, "beach bride," dons a sheer white cover up over her white bikini bottoms and string bikini top. She flaunts around the dressing room, scoffing at the more modest princess bride and 80s bride costume. Alexis, better known as shark girl, is "shotgun bride" in her pregnant bride costume. Corinne's confidence is shaken when Brittany is assigned "Eve" and dons a leafy swimsuit bottom. That's it. She arrives for the photoshoot with her long hair strategically covering her upper half. 

During the photoshoot, the women pose with Nick and the assigned bridesmaid and I literally lost track of how many of the women he kissed. I'm not faulting the guy for kissing the women he is dating, can't deny the guy a test ride, but kissing them in front of the other women is disrespectful. Not to mention uncomfortable for all of the women besides the current kissee. When it's Corinne's turn she wades into the pool with Nick and begins to pose. Not to be outdone by half-naked "Eve" bride, Corinne unties her bikini top and throws it to the side. She is now topless in the pool with Nick while the other women are forced to watch their photoshoot/make out session. She even forces Nick to HOLD HER BOOBS WITH HIS BARE HANDS. 

Her performance is rewarded by "winning" the photoshoot and driving to the cocktail hour destination with Nick where she promptly steals Nick first and plants one on him. Nick proceeds to say that he has been impressed with her so far, but we all know that's just him talking below the waist. The women are beginning to wonder if he is here for the right reasons, since he seems to only reward women who get naked. Raven and Nick bond over their shared relationship history of being cheated on. Fantasy suites will be tough on her if she gets there. 

Nick and Alexis share some time celebrating the first birthday of her boobs. With cupcakes. #happyboobday 
Corinne interrupts this intimate moment for a 2nd shot at Nick time, but it's not her only interruption of the evening. Later, Taylor and Nick discuss how smart she is after obtaining her bachelor's degree in 3 years and then going straight to her master's. She claims her counseling degree makes her understand vulnerability more than anyone. Corinne chooses this moment to interrupt for a 3rd time on the basis that she wants to say goodnight. This translates to a moment of making out before Taylor decides she's an independent woman who doesn't need Corinne to tell her when time is up. It's musical lips up in here, y'all. Taylor comes back to "re-interrupt" the couple, which in Corinne's world is THE WORST thing Taylor could possibly do and like sooooo rude. Pot, meet kettle. 

Nick, no doubt still fantasizing about their pool date, offers the date rose to Corinne. Which is the WORST thing he could possible do and like soooo rude. The tension rises after Nick bids the women goodnight and they wait for their Ubers to bachelor mansion. Corinne defends her rose but saying "guys, i mean i was just myself!" No, you were just naked. 

Ding dong date card! Danielle M, our relationship is about to take off...
If you remember, Danielle M is a blonde Jen-from-Bachelor-in-Paradise who talks like this. 
Their date kicks off in a helicopter, but takes it to the next level by landing on a yacht in the middle of Newport Bay. They lounge in a hot tub and kiss before heading to the evening portion of their date. Over their fake meal, they rehash Nick's bach past and her previous engagement. Danielle was engaged for 3 months about 5 years ago until her fiancĂ© overdosed on drugs. She is the one who found him. She did not even know he was an addict. She says that most of her relationships end shortly after she shares about her past which makes me think she is dating some real winners. Nick gives her the date rose, but we all know her time is ticking. Their date received 10 minutes max of screen time on a 2 hour show. 

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Liz is obsessed with talking with Nick about their history. She feels the need to clear the air and she's dying to hash the situation out with someone. Surmising that Christen can't possibly be sticking around for long, she grabs her for a poolside chat. Christen's reaction to Liz's story is gold: "playa, say whaaaat?" Liz apparently offers plenty of details to go along with the encounter. 

ding dong date card! Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, and Liz: we need to talk...
The group is pumped. Josephine hasn't felt like this since she was a teenager!!!! Which coincidentally wasn't that long ago!!!! 

They arrive at the Museum of Broken Relationships, where Nick has donated a dead rose from Kaitlyn's season and a fake ring to the cause. He really dug deep. The group views the rest of the relics in the museum while Nick concentrates on avoiding Liz. To conclude activities for the afternoon, the group will participate in a break up exercise. Each woman must act out a break up with Nick. Astrid goes for a comedic angle, ending the relationship due to him dating all of her friends (foreshadowing?), which Kristine splits because Nick doesn't floss. I completely forget what Josephine says, but she really didn't need words with the slap she delivered to the side of Nick's face. That was for America. When Liz steps up the stage and starts to deliver her break up speech, which was pretty vulnerable and included real truth from their history, Nick literally twiddles his thumbs. Afterward, Nick says their scene made him uncomfortable. But Corinne taking her top off in the pool with your 10 other dates looking on was chill? 

Nick has come to the conclusion that Liz being here is his nightmare. His weird camo dress shirt is my current nightmare. He is terrified that she will disclose his sleazy past to the rest of the women. During his time with Christen, she shares that Liz did disclose their wedding encounter to her. After their conversation, Nick takes Liz aside. He calls their time together at Tanner and Jade's wedding two adults who had fun. He asked a valid question-why haven't I heard from you? Liz uses his appearance in Bachelor in Paradise as a reason. He was there for a month, she had 9 months to reach out. She could've grown their love child during that time period. Next, please. Nick ultimately decides that her journey ends here because the more she talks the less she makes sense. I am inclined to agree with Nick on this one thing. He walks her out. 

When he comes back to the group date, sans Liz, the women have a lot of questions. Which Nick will have to answer next week due to ABC's "To Be Continued." They are life ruiners, they ruin people's lives!!! 

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