Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Parade of Losers: Bachelorette Recap Week Three Acts I & II

First, my apologies on the late post. It's been a week, to say the least. I've begun to wonder if this show is really about JoJo finding love or if it's a cover for Chad to get beefed up for UFC fighting. I'll bet big bucks that he's on Bachelor in Paradise unless ABC insurance ramps up after the threats of violence this season.
Week three opens with the spotlight on Chad's leftovers hanging around the house. All of the guys bemoan the fact that Chad didn't get booted. Chad and Daniel discuss getting their work out in. "Eh, back and abs today? Let's do some babs." #twerkout. As Chad measures out his protein powder he muses "so 240 plus 280..that's 550." I feel like a luxury real estate agent should have better math skills. You wouldn't want to lose track of the zeros on the end of a listing price.
Chris Harrison walks in. There will be three dates this week: two one on ones and a group date.
Date Card: Chase, let's get physical.
Bowchickawowow! Chase literally came out of nowhere. I did not notice him one bit on night one but he is certainly a strong contender and I am definitely #teamchase. Their date begins in a yoga studio where it's approximately 110 degrees and Chase hopes he wore enough deodorant. Their yoga instructor asks how long they've been intimate and proceeds to show them their warm up exercise: thrusting their hips to the sky on a yoga mat while grunting and then flailing around while screaming. The instructor calls it an anger-gasm. I called it awkward. But it got worse. They are then introduced to a move called yimyang or yingyam which is essentially JoJo straddling Chase and being nose to nose. They last about 5 second before kissing and the instructors make themselves scarce. Chase is now a big fan of yoga and straddling on the first date and JoJo thinks straddling is a solid foundation for love.
They have dinner and discuss serious topics. Chase is a child of divorce and marriage for him is a one and done situation. #teamchase. He comments that the thought of getting engaged is scary. Has anyone told him he could be popping the question in 5 short weeks?
Chase gets a rose and the private concert we knew would be coming at some point this season finally arrives. Does anybody know who Charles Kelly is? Nah?

Back at the house, Daniel and Chad work out and encourage each other. Evan (E-money) comments that if they don't find love with JoJo they can ride off into the sunset together.
Ding dong date card: Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F, Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad: love has no secrets.
Chad immediately says he doesn't want to go and everybody gapes at him. He says he doesn't want to go on a date with 12 guys (he would prefer a one on one with Daniel, obviously). Jordan counters, "do you think JoJo would want to spend a whole date with you on a one and one?" Chad calls him a 27 year old failed football player. I hide behind my pillow because the tension is THAT STRONG. E-money assures Chad that they can just cross his name off and the 4 guys who weren't on that date card remind him to be thankful of the time he gets. Heated words are exchanged. Drinks are sipped. The tension that I thought was at an all-time high breaks another barrier.
For the group date, they arrive at a theater for Sex Talks: A Storyteling Show. A lady breathes heavily on the stage. I get more uncomfortable. JoJo informs the guys that they will each have to go on stage and tell something about their sexual past. She thinks talking about sex is important (I think maybe not on the first date?!?!) and clearly wants to know what these guys are into. I guess if there's a foot fetish it would be best to get it out in the open now. Evan beams. As an eretcile dysfunction specialist/youth minister, he talks about sex daily.
Chad is mad. He rants that none of this is any of JoJo's business and he doesn't want to talk about his sexual past. Perhaps because he doesn't have one since all of his exes have restraining orders on him after date two.
Evan plots to incorporate Chad into his story to expose him for the ass that he is. Evan has a death wish.
The stories are told and there are cops involved, knifes, rope, threesomes, etc. 
Evan is up. He tells a story of the dangers of using steroids. Everyone feels Chad's anger coming off of him in waves. When Evan goes to sit down, Chad passes him and then turns around, grabs the back of Evan's shirt, and rips it toward him. 'Roid rage, man.
Chad is up next. He asks JoJo to be his volunteer for his bit and makes a speech that this is about the future and not the past and tries to plant one on her lips in front of the entire group. She turns her head and he lands on cheek.
Unhappy with how his performance turned out, Chad punches a metal door backstage and his knuckles start bleeding.
On that note, let's turn to the evening portion of this debacle of a group date. JoJo spends time with each of the men. During a conversation with Nick and JoJo, Chad walks up to steal her. JoJo counters that Nick has only been here a few minutes and that Chad should wait his turn. Chad camps out 7 feet away and looks at his watch. Nick and JoJo exchange awkward glances.
Vinny pokes the bear by making conversation with Chad about that time he tried to kiss JoJo and she rejected him: approximately 2 hours ago. Chad starts to spin a story of how Evan plowed into him and pushed him over, which resulted in the ripped shirt on Evan's body. Evan demands an apology and a new shirt. Chad compromises by labeling Evan a bully and commands him to quit working out and cooking at the same time as him.
The group date drags on. Finally, Evan issues an ultimatum to JoJo: if you keep Chad, I'm leaving. I recommend she dump both, but JoJo chooses to give the date rose to Evan (which still effectively keeps Chad around until at the least the next rose ceremony so Evan didn't really think this through).
Chad's face when he sees Evan with the date rose is priceless. JoJo picks up on his WTF expression and asks him if he has a problem. Chad nags, "is this a real scenario right now? You're actually vibing this dude?"
Are you actually using "vibing" as a verb, Chad?
Jojo is not having it. She deems him disrespectful and comments that she doesn't like this side of him.
The rest of the group sits around in awkwardness for the 11th time that day. After hearing Chad's monologue that he'd like to rip everyone on this date apart with this bare hands, ABC hires a security guard for the Bachelor mansion.

Ding dong date card: James T, Let's kick it old school! James and JoJo head out for some swing dancing. James is not a dancer, but then again neither am I unless there's been an excessive amount of vodka and/or tequila consumed. JoJo's mission on this date is to see if they can move beyond the friend zone. My mission is to find out where she purchased the adorable polka-dot dress. James T ultimately gets a rose on this date and whips out his guitar for the occasion.

Back at the mansion, Chad and Daniel discuss why there is a security guard in the house. Daniel recommends Chad cool his jets and use logic and reason, dude. Throughout the course of this conversation, I thought Chad was chewing on a corn dog. Turns out, it's a sweet potato. But he's eating it like a hot dog. He follows it up with a leafy green chunk of lettuce. Daniel continues to discuss Chad's rage and compares their relationship to Daniel hanging out with Hitler. It ultimately looks bad on Daniel. This is essentially their break up conversation.

Chris Harrison shows up with good news and bad news. The bad news: there will be no cocktail party tonight. When JoJo arrives tonight, it's straight to rose ceremony do not pass go or collect 200 dollars. The good news: she will be at the mansion in about 5 minutes for a pool party. Every guy immediately starts picturing JoJo in a bikini.

Before Harrison departs, Evan talks with him about how volatile Chad is. Harrison nods in concern and pulls Chad aside to settle things. Chad continues to play victim, but tells Papa Harrison he will make it right.
As he storms back into the house, clenching his glass of green juice, ABC informs us this episode will be continued.

Chad's apology weirdly does not contain any semblance of the words "I'm sorry" and he ends the conversation by saying he hasn't gone out of his way to attack anyone in the house. This much is true, it simply comes naturally to him with no effort required.
JoJo shows up for the pool party. They take shots, they chicken fight,  and Evan gets a nosebleed from diving in to the pool. JoJo and Chad take a few minutes to discuss his attitude from the group date evening. Chad doesn't explain himself well (blame it on the steroids) and ends up taking about ice cream and steak.
JoJo sits with Derek and asks why there's a security guy in the house. Derek is honest with her about the Chad situation, but unfortunately for him Chad is a lurker and corners him in the house later to yell and shake his fist. I am sad that Chad is representing Oklahoma.
Rose ceremony time:
Grant.
Derek.
Jordan.
Luke.
Robby.
Wells.
James F.
Vinny.
Alex.
Daniel.
....................
Chad.

Ali, Nick, and Christian depart the mansion and JoJo announces that the remaining men should all pack their bags for an unknown destination. I'm wondering if the security guard is packing his bags also.
Guys, I am so tired of writing about Chad. 
They end up in Pennsylvania, a far cry from the exotic beach locale I was expecting. There are three dates. Luke gets a one on one date rose. Jordan gets the group date rose. Alex and Chad attend the two on one date. Anyone else seeing the resemblance between Alex and Schmidt from New Girl? Chad FINALLY gets the boot. 
And we all get a break to recover from the two episodes as Harrison informs us that next week is an off week for JoJo and her tribe. 

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