i'm just here for the free food: Bachelorette Recap Week Two

I have a lot of questions. First, how is it week 2 already? Second, how is it June? Before we know it we are going to be watching Bachelor in Paradise and I'd bet my dog that Chad will be there unless anyone takes out a restraining order on him first. But I'm getting ahead of myself. 
Episode two opens with JoJo gazing out at the scenery on her balcony comparing this to a fairytale, except that she has 20 Prince Charmings to choose from. 
The dudes hang out in the living room after brunch and toast mimosas. Chad chants: "to a beautiful girl, a beautiful life, f*** you guys, I'm going to make her my wife." Update: Chad is still an ass. 
The first date card arrives! Evan scoops it up and reads, "Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells, Robby: let's heat things up."
A flaming limo arrives in the driveway and starts exploding from the heat. I am genuinely concerned that somebody is going to have to be a hero if JoJo is in that limo. Thankfully, she comes roaring around the corner in the firetruck and sprays down the flames with muddy water. She passes around hugs before she takes off with her first group date. 
As he watches them go, Chad declares the group date her "B squad" and reminisces on his days as a car salesman. Somehow, I'm not surprised with his work history. 
Since he has so much free time on his hands, Chad commits to his workout routine and proceeds to strap on a weight belt and do pull ups with his suitcase (packed with protein powder) dangling from his waist. 
The rest of the guys judge from the window holding various beverages. 
Meanwhile, on the group date, they pull up to a fire academy and find out there will be a  competition. Winner wins extra time with JoJo. Grant, the firefighter, is like HOLLA I do this for a living! There is a lot of dripping sweat. Wells almost dies and gets told to sit down to the side. He wins extra time with JoJo for nearly passing out. In the end, Grant and Luke battle it out and Grant pulls out the win. JoJo says "you did so good!" Grant thinks back to last week when he did the exact same thing at his place of employment and got paid for it. 
The evening portion of the group date is fairly uneventful. Grant gets a kiss. Wells and JoJo laugh a lot. He whips out pictures of his dog, Carl. Evan lets us know he has kids. Luke and JoJo kiss on a balcony. Wells gets the date rose.
Back at the house, Pitch Perfect 3 is being filmed as the guys sit around and sing a song about missing JoJo. Chad does not join in. The second date card arrives: "Derek, love is full of choices."
The first choice on their date is "sky or sea." They pick sky. Which takes them to an airport where they choose "north or south" North. A private jet flies them to San Fransisco where Derek muses that he has never been on a date like this before. Neither has 99.9% of the population. Their final choice: "Lombard Street or Golden Gate Bridge." They have a picnic near Golden Gate Bridge and a first kiss. Derek says he feels fireworks whenever he looks into her eyes. I vomit a little bit in my mouth. 
Their date continues with dinner, JoJo's sparkly dress nearly blinds me, and they discuss their past relationships. They talk about being open and being closed. Derek gets a rose. 
At the mansion, Chad and Daniel sit around in bro tanks and bond about being douchenozzles. Chad declares the nice guys to be assholes. They evil laugh together and discuss protein shakes. The final date card of the week arrives: "Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, Chad: prove your love to me and to the nation." Chad nods his head in approval and consoles the dateless dudes with "you've lasted your whole life not seeing JoJo, you'll live a few more days." 
The group date is in Hollywood at ESPN for an episode of BachelorNation (instead of SportsNation). First category: strike a rose! The guys must perform their best or most creative touchdown dance. Second category: eye on the prize! After spinning around with their heads on a baseball bat, each gentleman must propose to JoJo. Most of the men are fairly eloquent, but Chad opts for a simple almost-ass-grab and "will you marry me?" The judges are not impressed and JoJo lets him know she is a "words of affirmation" girl. Chad calls her naggy. The tension in the room rises. Third category: press conference. The guys answer a few questions. One of them, "who should JoJo not pick today and why?" is answered almost unanimously with "Chad." Chad defends himself by saying he chose not to gush today because he doesn't really know JoJo yet and cites again that he is financially ready to settle down. JoJo somehow appreciates his honesty. The power rankings are in and James T, Chad, and Alex come in top three. At the evening portion of the date, James T reads something he wrote to JoJo and she cries and kisses him. It's actually really adorable. Alex and JoJo jump up into a giant chair that only accentuates Alex's lack of height for their one on one time. Chad and JoJo talk. He tells her he's been too busy working the past 4 years to date and that his mom passed away 6 months ago. They kiss at a wishing well. Chad starts to develop feelings for JoJo. 
Let's chat about Chad. Yes, he is absolutely an ass. I think that SOMEHOW he might mean well. He obviously lacks the social skills he needs to get ahead in life, but there is SOME truth behind what he says. He truly did not know JoJo well and didn't feel it was right to gush about her when he doesn't feel he knows what she is all about yet. I can somewhat respect that. 
The group date rose goes to James T. I heart James. Chad broods over JoJo's decision in the shadows. 
At the start of the cocktail party the following evening, Chad hangs around near the door until JoJo arrives to get a few minutes of time. He greets her with a wineglass and they talk. Once they walk in together, everybody panics. Alex gathers Chad for a pow wow and multiple men interrogate him. Chad breaks away from the pow wow to fill his plate with food. I did not realize until THIS SEASON how much food is available at the cocktail party. Chad fills his plate about 6-10 times. He is chewing in nearly every camera shot and drops lunch meat on the floor multiple times. Grant comments that Chad has consumed enough food tonight to feed a kindergarden classroom. Maybe even 5th grade. Chase and JoJo have a mini date complete with falling snow from the sky thanks to the ABC intern. Wells and JoJo TP the front of the mansion. Alex and JoJo get a minute alone and Chad breaks in. 
Alex is an angry elf and gathers the troops to confront Chad. Chad chews his food and walks back inside to go another round at the buffet table. Alex calls him a meltdown. I'm not quite sure what that is. 
Chris Harrison tap tap taps his glass and it's rose ceremony time. 
Chad walks into the rose ceremony chowing down on a sandwich. JoJo walks in. Chad takes a bite out of rolled up piece of lunch meat. He chews as JoJo makes her first choice. Alex. Chad giggles. Christian is next. Chad isn't really sure who Christian is. 
James F. 
Final rose. Chad adjusts his tie and smirks. 

James the super fan goes home to watch the rest of the season from his couch. Brendan the hipster goes back to his succulents and Will goes home to his Texas ranch. 

Top contenders: James T, Derek, Luke. 

Previews for next week: IT'S A TWO NIGHT EIPSODE EVENT? This show will be the death of me. It looks like Chad continues to eat. There is a lot of name calling and a lot of blood. 


  1. Just LOLed all over my workplace. Who needs to watch? Your highlights do it proper justice.


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