Bachelor Recap Week Ten: It's Complicated
Because ABC is determined to spin two hours of actual content into four hours of television, Chris Harrison welcomes the viewers to his live studio hostages audience. Before we are permitted to check on Colton’s emotional well-being immediately following Cassie’s exit, we must first watch a montage of the season to recap all the ladies who have come before.
Finally, Harrison directs our attention to the screens in the studio to pick back up on the Portuguese pandemonium. Dark shadows and shaky camera work fills the TV and I fumble for the remote, wondering for moment if one of the dogs switched the channel to Live PD. Dogs are barking in one direction, while production literally whistles for Colton, who has literally disappeared into the night. Harrison and the camera crew pick a direction and begin to jog. Someone in the background announces it’s 11:40 PM and they may need to get cars. Harrison makes a phone call to an unidentified individual -- perhaps Mike Fleiss? He says the game plan is to search for another 20-30 minutes and then he’s going to call the police.
I’d LOVE to listen into that 911 call. “Hi hello, this is Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor. I’ve lost my Bachelor somewhere in Algarve, Portugal. He’s an adult and capable of making his own decisions, but he ran away.”
Production finally finds Colton walking along a dark road and a girl jumps out of the vehicle and runs toward him, asking repeatedly if he’s okay. He brushes her hand away, admonishing “don’t touch me” and says “no, i’m not okay. I’m bleeping done with this bleep.” Chris Harrison joins the chase, sweating and panting. Physical activity is not in his contract and ABC will be hearing from his lawyer for allowing him to perspire on camera.
Harrison asks Colton what the plan is. Colton doesn’t have his phone, but did grab his wallet and is ready to be done. Colton feels inadequate and is tired of being rejected every time he puts himself out there. Harrison attempts to be understanding, but addresses the silver lining that Tayshia and Hannah are still here and have expressed feelings for Colton.
It’s not enough for this Bachelor --Colton repeats that he is done before finally climbing into a van to head back to the resort.
The live studio audience sits in stunned silence back in LA before Portugal playback resumes. It’s now morning in Algarve and in a perfect world, it would have been Colton and Cassie’s first morning waking up together after doing fantasy suite things the evening prior. You know, if Cassie didn’t decide to leave the show because she wasn’t ready for marriage, thereby completely proving Katie’s observation that she wasn’t ready for marriage. Shocking.
Instead of cooing good mornings in bed with Cassie, wrapped in robes, and feeding each other cantaloupe, Colton is subjected to an awkward conversation with Chris Harrison. Colton admits he jumped the fence because he needed time to be alone and process his most recent heartbreak. Colton is crushed because everytime something good happens, something bad immediately follows. Somehow in all of his 24 years, Colton hasn’t quite figured out how life works.
Unrealistic expectations of life aside, Colton says last night really changed everything. He was falling in love with Tayshia and Hannah, but he’s in love with Cassie and that’s it for him. He wants to provide certainty and confidence to Cassie and show her that he’s all in. Which means he needs to conduct a couple of breakups today. Harrison cautions him not to be hasty -- what she’s just not that into you? Colton refuses to believe it and is determined to fight for who he loves. It’s time to crush some hearts into tiny smithereens.
Colton knocks on Tayshia’s door first. She’s very surprised to see him so soon after their overnight date and is instantly aware that something is off. They sit in silence on her balcony while Colton uses Tayshia’s hand as a stress ball. Instead of ripping off the bandaid, he begins by exclaiming how incredible she is and that he appreciates the respect and honesty they’ve shared. He was falling for her, but he can’t love two people and he admits that he loves Cassie.
Tayshia’s face freezes into a half smile and she responds “mmhmm” before she asks to speak to Colton without all of the cameras. He leads her inside and shuts the door, but the mics are still on. Colton begins to cry and Tayshia doesn’t know what to say right now, but asks him not to cry. All of a sudden, she is in tears too. The camera continues to stare at the closed door as Tayshia repeats “i don’t want to” over and over. I’m assuming the end of those sentences is “break up.”
The door opens just a crack, but it’s enough for a camera to zoom in to catch their profiles in a hug. Multiple hugs, to be accurate. Somewhere in the editing process, the sound guy had the epiphany to turn up the heartbeats picked up on the mic for a maximum strength sucker punch. Once Colton leaves, Tayshia’s emotions increase tenfold as she grabs her purse and carry-on before riding to the airport.
Back in the live studio audience, Tayshia’s tears have dried since that mega bummer of a day. She’s dressed to the nines and looking like a total ten for her reunion with Colton. It’s difficult to watch the break up because she was in love with Colton. When he knocked on her door that day the look on his face made it pretty clear that this wasn’t going to be a happy visit. Plus, he was shaking (per usual). Hearing he was in love with Cassie hurt quite a bit, especially since she felt she had laid everything on the line in terms of a foundation for their future. Despite not leaving engaged, Tayshia assures Chris Harrison that she grew tremendously because of Colton and the relationship they shared.
On that note, Colton strolls onstage to debut his new haircut. Tayshia lies through her teeth and says it’s good to see him. The estranged couple takes a seat on the couch across from Harrison and exchange nervous smalltalk. Colton rests his right hand on the couch in between them as if he’s ready to bolt.
Tayshia doesn’t understand what was missing for Colton because she felt they shared many amazing moments together and had something special. Colton agrees that their memories are special, but long-term he didn’t want to marry someone who thought skydiving was a good time.
Chris Harrison asks if Colton has any regrets, aside from the new haircut. Seriously though, what’s up with the tuft coming out from his forehead? Is he trying out a new gel tonight? Colton stands by the decisions that he made, including the haircut.
Tayshia gets the final word onstage and wishes Colton the best before making one final reach for the role of Bachelorette. She is proud of who she is because of the journey and because of him. She is certain that an exciting relationship is in store for her in the future.
Harrison turns our attention back to the Portugal playback as Hannah G. appears on screen. She’s writing in her journal and counting down the hours until she sees Colton. Tomorrow is their date and she is planning to tell Colton that she loves him. A knock at the door interrupts her solitude and Hannah is pleasantly surprised to see Colton a day early. She shouldn’t be.
They settle onto the couch and Colton dives right in. He tells Hannah that she’s been his rock through all of this, but he cannot be in love with two people. His feelings in another relationship are stronger than where he is with her and he loves Cassie.
Hannah is stunned; she did not expect to hear this. Her face, usually sweet and open, is shuttered and violent. Colton whines that he thought it was going to be her and she still reminds him of home. Kudos to Hannah for not kicking him in the groin at this moment -- the “I really thought it was going to be you” schtick is juvenile. Take responsibility for the fact that you are choosing to love someone else, Underwood.
Hannah is reeling and doesn’t feel like this is really happening right now. She asks what didn’t work and Colton cannot provide an answer. She literally just wrote in her journal how in love with him she is and doesn’t know how to take this. She’s angry, embarrassed, and ready to jet.
Colton and Hannah sniffle at their opposite ends of the couches before he pulls her into a hug. Colton admits that he doesn’t know if he’s making the right decision, but hopes that he is. They say goodbye at the door and Hannah turns to pack while Colton cries in the hallway. Better hope ABC rented out this entire resort, otherwise the guest complaints were definitely pouring in about the “NFL never-was sobbing on my doorstep.”
Hannah climbs into her car and immediately refuses to talk to the waiting camera. Colton falls into the arms of a producer and wails that he’s scared.
The lights go up in the LA studio to find Hannah G sitting onstage with Chris Harrison in a green dress. She was blindsided by the breakup and watching it back isn’t on her list of hobbies. When Colton initially showed up at her door early, she thought for a minute that she might be the only woman left. She’s no longer in love with Colton, but has been hoping for more closure.
Colton joins her onstage to face the questions. Hannah thought it was going to be them at the end and didn’t have any reasons to think otherwise (other than those two remaining pesky girlfriends he had). Hannah asks if things might have turned out differently if they had more time AKA if he hadn’t canceled their overnight date. Colton says what he was feeling with Cassie was just stronger and he never even considered having that date with Hannah G after Cassie left. Hannah can’t resist adding that it was never an option in her mind to not want to be with Colton (unlike Cassie…). Ultimately, Hannah G says she is happy for Colton, but is proud of herself for being so strong during this worst experience of her life. As my friend Tracy pointed out, if this is Hannah G’s worst ever moment, she should consider herself lucky. Hannah G. also slips her bachelorette plug into her parting comment that she wants to find someone who will jump a fence for her.
Hannah G and Colton exit the stage and are replaced by Garrett, Jason, Ben, and Blake to help Chris Harrison kill time. Ben Higgins rocks a couple of friendship bracelets on his left wrist that pair nicely with his tweed jacket and Hanes crew-neck t-shirt #whatonearth. Jason admires Colton for going after what he wants. I admire Jason’s white button-down with black buttons. Jason wants Tayshia and Hannah G. to know that a new door will open and there is often happiness right around the corner, which is an obvious nod to his fledgling relationship with former Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe. Blake adds his two cents in favor of the fence jump and Garrett jumps in awkwardly to say he’d like to see Becca jump a fence for him.
With only ten minutes left in programming, it’s clear we won’t get to see Colton run after Cassie tonight. The screens in the studio return to Portugal regardless. Colton pretends to pack his suitcase while he reminisces on his 30 ex-girlfriends. In case you haven’t been counting, he’s now down to zero. He only wants to be with Cassie and plans to track her down.
Meanwhile, Cassie is packing in a hotel room. I’ve lost all sense of time, but wasn’t she just in a car heading to the airport two days ago? Apparently she’s made a detour. Maybe she stayed a couple of extra days to vacation with Papa Matt? Production held her hostage? I need answers. Cassie says she will miss Colton, but feels she made the right choice because she can’t make a commitment right now. Colton wants a wife and a family and Cassie wants to surf and sling snow cones on the beach. Is Katie sitting in her rightness and being right at this moment? Because she should be.
Cassie can’t wait to be home with her friends and family and move on with her life. Call me crazy, but she doesn’t seem nearly as devastated as Colton. Harrison might just be onto something with cautioning Colton that she’s just not feeling it. Never one to listen to reason or read into context clues, Colton announces he has to do what feels right and best for him. He walks into a hotel and knocks on a door (presumably, Cassie’s) and right then Harrison pulls the plug on Night 1 to a chorus of boos.
Tuesday evening’s episode opened with a quick recap in front of another live studio audience, but Chris Harrison quickly gets to the point. Cassie opens the door in Portugal and doesn’t look nearly as surprised to see Colton as one might think. Tipped off by producers perhaps? Or by the camera crew still inexplicably hanging around her room?
Colton hugs her before inviting her to have a conversation downstairs. They perch on a bench and he starts to gush. He hated watching her walk away the other night so he felt he should make a sacrifice and send the remaining two women home. All this talk of sacrifice is conjuring images of Tayshia and Hannah G on an altar old testament style and I can’t imagine they’re thrilled to watch this play out.
Cassie is shocked to hear this. She wanted Colton to have what he came here for and not give anything up for her and now she fears he will resent her in the future. Colton assures her that he is not asking for marriage, but just that she will take it day by day with him and figure it out. He shares his fence leap escapade and she cracks up. Finally, he invites her to meet his family. They are waiting for them in Spain, if she wants to go.
Hmm, luxury trip to Spain or economy flight home? Alienate all of America or play along until the cameras are off? The answer is obvious, even to Cassie. I don’t live in Cassie’s head, but it’s tough not to think she was emotionally strong-armed into this relationship.
Colton arrives in Mallorca, Spain and preps his family on what has transpired and that they will only be meeting one woman today. They are certainly surprised, but also hesitant since Cassie has already dumped him once. Cassie arrives and struggles with nerves outside the villa. There must not be a nail technician on this Spanish island as her polish is chipped on several nails. Colton does his best to calm her down before introducing her to his people. She hugs them all before the Spanish Inquisition starts. They start with an easy one: what’s the label on this union? It’s safe to say they’d select “it’s complicated” on social media.
Colton’s mom, Donna, steps in first. She takes Colton aside and says she’s scared for him because Cassie’s already left once. She doesn’t want him set up for another heartbreak. Colton assures Donna that he has hope that he and Cassie can move forward together.
Colton’s dad, Scott, questions Cassie. She declares that she loves COlton and cares about him so much, but she still lacks complete clarity in their relationship. This answer doesn’t warm Scott’s heart. He turns his questions to Colton, asking if his son is SURE that his decision to go after Cassie doesn’t have anything to do with wanting something he can’t have. Colton continues to claim that he can be patient and wait for Cassie to make her own fence jump to the same page as him.
The couple bids adieu to the Underwoods in favor of their final one on one date. Colton picks her up outside her hotel and drives toward the coast. Along the way, Cassie asks for an impromptu car concert. Colton denies her request on the grounds that if she hears him sing she will probably leave him again. Cassie’s half-hearted laugh indicates it was too soon for that quip.
They reach the cliffs at the coastline, where they will rappel down to their beach picnic. In all honesty it didn’t appear to be that far of a drop, but to hear them talk about the feat, you would have thought they were rappelling down Mt. Kilimanjaro. Cassie essentially completed the exercise in her Keds so it couldn’t have been that dangerous of an endeavor.
Colton cuddles with Cassie at the coastline and wants to hear her concerns. In general, Cassie is scared of the commitment involved in being in a relationship at all. She dated someone in her past who had planned out a proposal and the relationship became controlling. She doesn’t want to experience someone stifling her again. Colton quickly offers up guys weekends and girls weekends as a compromise. Magically, this works and Cassie says she can feel more than ever how much Colton loves her.
They meet again at dinner that evening and Cassie reveals she feels more confident tonight and is ready to be “all in” when they leave Spain. Colton slides the fantasy suite card out from under his placemat and invites Cassie to spend the night. She barely lets him get the question out before she says yes. They flop on the king-size bed as if they’ve never seen one before and then Colton practically shoves production out of the suite and shuts the door.
Back in the studio in LA, Chris Harrison opens up speculation on if Cassie and Colton did the deed. For the astronomically high number of times the word “virgin” has been said in the four total hours of Bachelor time this week, I’m certain Harrison gets a cash bonus every time he brings it up. To continue to fill air time, ABC called around to past contestants to see who was available for an unpaid TV appearance. Onyeka, Demi, and Sydney obviously jumped at the chance to continue to be relevant after being left roseless not too long ago. Ben Higgins must live around the corner because he’s at every Bachelor event. Chris AKA The Goose needs to promote his successful engagement with Coach Krystal and Jason’s flight to see Kaitlyn must have been delayed so he’s back for more. This motley crew is invited to the stage to chat fantasy suites with Harrison. Let it be known that only one third of this group even saw the inside of a fantasy suite, but they sure had quite a bit to say about it.
Back in Spain, birds are chirping, flowers are unfurling, and Colton is doing what he does best: showering. Last night was “incredible” and he “feels like a new man.” When asked what transpired he coyly says “we did what was best for us and grew as a couple.” He serves Cassie breakfast in bed before climbing in beside her and grinning stupidly at each other. He says the night was unbelievable even though they didn’t get much sleep; Cassie counters by admitting her calf still hurts. This innuendo is more painful than a simple camera shot of a trash can brimming with Trojan wrappers.
They agree that they are going to give their relationship their best shot together and leave Spain committed.
Back in the LA studio, Harrison invites Cassie and Colton to the stage for their first live appearance as a couple. They are both sporting new haircuts and whiter teeth and claim to be super in love. Cassie is not wearing a ring, but engagement is something they’ve discussed. Colton jokingly says it’s Matt Randolph (Cassie’s dad) that’s holding them back. However, Colton did recently move to LA to be closer to Cassie and they plan to spend a lot of time together over the next year with press appearances, etc. They’ve had “happy couple weekends” while the show has been airing and ABC shows footage of yoga and couch snuggles. Colton gets the chance to offer Cassie his final rose and Harrison presses for fantasy suite details. Despite talking about the status of his genitalia for months on end on national television, Colton is suddenly mute on the topic.
Harrison introduces “legendary” band, Air Supply (in this case, legendary is a euphemism for “old”), and Cassie and Colton dance together while footage of their journey plays on the screens and rose petal confetti falls to the ground.
With 30 minutes of air time still remaining, it’s time to reveal our new Bachelorette! Chris Harrison welcomes Hannah Brown to the stage. She greets the crowd in a red dress with a “roll tide.” She believes she is ready to find love and get married and is hopeful she will find someone that will share their heart with her. Harrison suggests they get this party started immediately and meet her first five men. Hannah is visibly unprepared, but the interns rush to set up the mansion backdrop and fake plants.
She meets Luke first. He says Hannah’s the only one that he wanted to be the next bachelorette. He cannot believe he’s actually here and can’t wait to get to know her on a deeper level.
Dustin is next, and brings two glasses champagne with him. I like a man who introduces himself with booze. He makes a toast to “the start of a wonderful beginning,” but Hannah doesn’t mind the redundancy and is impressed at his ability to string words together. The bar is low, ladies and gentlemen.
Cam from Austin keeps it weird and raps out a couple of verses. Hannah is charmed!
Connor is super excited to be here and about 2 feet taller than Hannah. Don’t worry, he bedazzled a Walmart step stool so that he and Hannah can “be on the same level” and “see eye to eye.”
Luke S. is lucky number 5 and a dead ringer for Nick Viall. I really need these guys to do a 23andMe ad and find out where the family tree connects. Luke’s from the northeast and doesn’t go down South often, but for Hannah he’d go down anytime. Cue collective cringe from me, the audience, and even the unflappable Chris Harrison.
Hannah impulsively agrees to hand out her first rose right then, which effectively makes the first impression rose much less important for Night 1. One dude will be arriving in a limo ALREADY wearing a rose. This precedent can’t end well. Ignoring all possible repercussions and after several agonizing minutes of stammering, Hannah invites Cam to accept her first rose.
Can’t wait to tune in with y’all on May 13th for the rest of Alabama Hannah’s journey! In the meantime, does anyone know if Hannah G’s etiquette coach is available for an emergency session with Hannah B!? Our girl needs Bachelorette training STAT.
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