Wednesday, August 3, 2016

JoJo's Poor Life Decisions: Bachelorette Final Recap

We made it to the final episode! JoJo, Robby, and Jordan are all in Thailand and JoJo is faced with the decision: which former athlete does she want to spend the rest of her life with?
She calls in family reinforcements to ignore their advice help make her decision. 
I'm looking forward to what the brothers have to say, since they were oh so welcoming during Ben's hometown last season. Mama's face had some work done. Sister's face needs some of Mama's work. 
Jordan is up first to meet the fam and you'd think he'd shave for the occasion, or at least clean up the scruff. Instead, he is rocking a strange looking V on his chin. 
Mama takes Jordan aside and wants his word that he will never break her daughter's heart. He promises and I roll my eyes. When JoJo asks for mama's opinion, Mama offers that they are too much alike and trust issues would come into play. Her key argument? Of course I like Jordan, who doesn't like Jordan? 
My hand flew up. 
Jordan has QT with Mama and Dad and still doesn't manage to ask for JoJo's hand in marriage. RED FLAG. 
Robby gets the second meeting and his flowers win. So does his scruff. The brothers compare Jordan to a New year's eve date, and Robby to actual husband material. Robby promises to Jojo's parents that JoJo will be his biggest priority and he will build his life around her (it's easy because you can formerly competitively swim just about anywhere). 
He ends his conversation with them by asking for permission to marry Joelle Hannah Fletcher. Permission is granted. 
It is in this moment that I decide if I have to get on board with JoJo's terrible life decisions, then I choose to get on board with Robby. 
The family rehashes the visits and drops the bombshell that Jordan did not ask for permission to marry her. JoJo is shocked. Apparently, during their overnight, she made it clear to Jordan how important that was to her. RED FLAG.
Robby gets the first last date. They hang out on the beach, have a picnic, and straddle in the sand. He wears effeminate slippers for their cozy evening in the hotel room and they flip through pictures of their previous dates. 
JoJo sees a lifetime with Robby. 
Jordan is up next for a last date. They board a pirate ship-red flag-he's only after booty. They discuss JoJo's family and Jordan comments that her sister is a sweetheart. Who? ABC didn't even give her a name! JoJo confesses her disappointment that he didn't ask permission to marry her. Jordan makes excuses and essentially says that he needs to know that she loves him before he can tell her parents he wants to marry her. They spend nearly their entire date discussing his screw up. 
It's finally E-day! Engagment day. We open on a shower shot of Robby scrubadubbin for the big moment. He dresses up to meet the man himself, Neil Lane, before picking out a stunner of a ring. He then writes a note to JoJo celebrating this as the beginning of a new chapter. In the meantime, Jordan stretches on his balcony before asking Chris Harrison for JoJo's dad's phone number. He dials and finally asks permission to marry her. Permission is granted. I vom. He then saunters out to meet Neil Lane in his sweatpants and agonizes over which free ring to pick. He whines, "this isn't easy!" Yeah, it's even harder when you have to pay for it. He ultimately chooses a subpar ring. He also writes a note to JoJo, informing her of his chat with her parents this morning. This is his Hail Mary pass.  
JoJo reads both notes, cries, and I gulp my wine and miss Chase. 
There are shots of the gentleman getting ready for the big moment. Jordan suits up with some snazzy socks. Robby slips on his shoes sans socks. 
JoJo stands on the decorative platform that the ABC intern has spent all season creating. The first car arrives and we see a foot come out of the door. A SOCKED foot. 
WE CHEER! WOOHOO IT'S JORDAN HE'S A GONER!
ABC pans to his face. We groan in audible disappointment. It's Robby. That sucker put socks on in the car. 
Robby comes forward, certain he is about to be engaged. He talks about how much he loves her, but she eventually stops him with tears. She says it's not him. She woke up wanting it to be him, but it's not. Well, I woke up wanting it to be Chase, but we don't all get what we want, Joelle. 
Robby leaves in confusion. Jordan steps out of the second car and proposes and it's absolutely terrible. I give it until Christmas. 
On After the Final Rose, Robby and Chris Harrison chat. Harrison asks Robby, are you hurt? confused? frustrated? Disappointed? Personally, I am all of the above. Robby is only confused and disappointed. Jordan and JoJo come out and discuss the possibility of a 2017 wedding. He is moving to Dallas. Aaron Rodgers still isn't interested in attending their future wedding. 
My remaining questions: 
1. Who else is on board with Wells for Bachelor? Chase, Luke, and Robby would all be too boring. 
2. Does JoJo watch this back and wish she had the ring that Robby picked out instead? 

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