Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Everyone is Hammered: Bachelorette Recap Week 1

***taps mic repeatedly*** Is this thing on?
I'm going to be honest. It took me about 3 tries to log into this account considering I haven't been on since March 1, 2015. And I'm here for one reason and one reason only (for now). JoJo's season of the bachelorette is going to be worth blogging. 
I was not impressed by the head shots that ABC provided prior to the season, but 20 minutes into watching the first episode on Tuesday evening on Hulu (which will be my typical viewing night because the Arceneaux-Powell household doesn't get ABC), I texted my friend Carra. She is probably the biggest fan of my previous Bachelor/ette recaps and I need to test the reading waters. Once I discovered I'd have at least two readers (her and her mom), I was in. 
First, some ground rules. 

  1. As previously mentioned, I don't get to watch the Monday episodes so I'll be catching up on Tuesday evenings and hope to be posting a recap on Wednesday. Thursday at the latest. 
  2. I haven't done this blogging thing in almost 15 months. Bear with me. 
  3. Hold me accountable for seeing this through to the end of the season! I think it will be fun. 
Ready, set, RECAP!
JoJo is a unicorn. Literally. If you remember, she introduced herself to Ben last season wearing a unicorn mask. Also, she is probably the most gorgeous female in the continental United States and I have a serious girl crush. Remember that she was the one whispering to Ben on the bathroom floor in the final episode of his season. JoJo is a 90s baby--just barely. December 1990, which makes her 25 and makes me feel about 12. JoJo is ready to find love after being dumped by Ben on national television just a few short months prior. Her recovery is truly inspirational and probably fueled by copious amounts of champagne and jet rides compliments of ABC. 
She arrives at Bachelor Mansion in a shimmery gold dress and says "bring on the men!"
Chris Harrison does as he is told. 
Night 1 is always a blur of names and faces and weird costumes and I don't bother to remember them all because half of them don't stick around for much longer anyway. I would love to know how JoJo remembers names for Night 1 after introductions. Maybe she and Harrison do flashcards right up until the first limo arrives. 
Regardless, JoJo effortlessly greets each guy and welcomes them to the land of testosterone and free fireball. There's a guy in a kilt. A guy in a Santa suit. A guy with an acapella group. A guy on a motorcycle. And a guy who actually rides up to the mansion on a horse with a stick stuck to its head like a unicorn. 
Once inside, the cocktail party begins. Emphasis on the cock. 
Evan, former youth minister turned erectile dysfunction specialist (what????), spends most of the evening scoping out his competition. Watch out for that one at the urinal, fellas. Evan receives a rose. 
Daniel, from Canada, does not make the best impression. His introduction to JoJo begins with "daaaaaamn JoJo" in an effort to mimic the YouTube sensation "daaaaamn daniel." Unfortunately, JoJo doesn't Internet much and Daniel spends an awkward 5 minutes trying to explain it as she smiles politely and tries to remember where the hell Vancouver, Canada is on a map. Daniel gets increasingly drunk as the night wears on, and we overhear him listing off his libations to another guy. "Yeah, so 3 beers, 2 shots of fireball, ..." Canada goes hard? Under the influence, Daniel begins to get to know the other guys by poking them all in their belly buttons. Not kidding. Daniel spends the evening walking around poking grown men in the bellybutton. Everyone else wonders if this is a Canadian greeting. Daniel caps off his night by stripping down to his underwear and diving into the Bachelor pool. Somehow, Daniel receives a rose. 
James sings to JoJo when he steps out of the limo and makes a connection with her based on their Texas roots. She deems him a gentleman and suddenly develops a Texan accent every time they have a conversation. James Taylor receives a rose. 
Chad is an ass. Chad begins his conversation with JoJo by informing her that since he is now financially comfortable he is ready to pursue love. Translation: I have loads of money and use it in conversation because I am really insecure in my personality. Chad's ass receives a rose.  
Jordan Rodgers (former NFL player that neither I NOR Tanner has ever heard of) receives the first impression rose for his kissing skills. Instant chemistry, top contender in my book. But, as the astute Bachelor Superfan points out to the rest of the guys "Olivia got the first impression rose last season and got left on an island." Point for Superfan. 
Vinny stares down JoJo in the rose ceremony until she decides she doesn't want to die tonight and calls his name for a rose. 
The most dramatic part of the entire episode was when a stray limo pulled up to the mansion just before the Rose Ceremony. Jake Pavelka steps out and my jaw drops. How did he get past security? Where is Harrison? HOW IS THIS HAPPENING? The guys whisper amongst themselves and Bachelor Superfan fills them in on Jake the Snake's past. Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief when it's discovered that Jake is there as a "big brother" to JoJo to give her advice as she takes on this role of Bachelorette. She listens and nods and then promptly forgets everything he says because he's still single so how did this work for him again? 
Notable people that did not receive a rose: a gentleman from a rival staffing firm in Chicago that will not be named but who I did most certainly look up on LinkedIn. A guy in a kilt that walks himself out of the mansion just as the sun is coming up. He says this really sucks. It probably sucks more since he wore a kilt. 

Top contenders: 

  1. Jordan
  2. Luke
  3. James
Questions I have going into next week:

  1.  How bad was Daniel's hangover?
  2. Is the acapella group going to stay for the entire season?
  3. What happened to the horse/unicorn?

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