Thursday, May 29, 2014

4,387 miles

I’ve been back in the States for barely three days now. It’s honestly hard to say considering all of the days run together and I’m still operating on Scotland time. Which means I can barely keep my eyes open past 9 PM (3 AM) and wake up anywhere between 5-7 AM (11AM-1PM). Which wouldn’t be a terrible schedule if I had any reason to go to bed and wake up that early (I don’t).
It’s strange to be here. I feel as if at least half of my heart is missing. I go through pictures from my time in Scotland and feel as if I’m there. I close my eyes and hear "Timber" and taste the jagerbombs at the Union. I can feel the biting wind at Broughty Ferry and see the magnificent sunsets from Zee’s kitchen window over the River Tay. The night my blanket stops smelling like Dundee is the night I will cry myself to sleep.
It’s hard to be excited to be in America. I love being able to see my friends (and dog) whenever the urge strikes, but I’ve now lost that same connection with Dundee. I get pictures and videos from across the Atlantic and realize how much I’m missing. I try to retaliate with pictures of steak and my cute puppy…but I know and they know it’s not the same.
I cried during the entire landing of my last flight. I looked out the window and saw the cars driving the opposite way of the UK and lost it immediately.
The same thing happened when I went to a WalMart the other day. I even went into the smaller neighborhood sized one and still felt completely overwhelmed. America is truly the land of excess. There was an entire wall of yogurt and I stood in front of the toothpaste for what seemed like years, dazed by all of the options. It’s amazing what you can get used to in only 5 months.
I feel the most positive about being in America when I’m driving my car. I’m not really sure why. Maybe it’s the sensation of moving forward or maybe it’s the hint of adventure. I feel suspended between Scotland and America in the car. As if the next turn I choose can take me to either place. It’s up to me.

And maybe that will be the case in the future. I’m working toward having a choice again to leave America. I know I'll check yes. But for now I need to learn how to be A Very Lucky American Girl.

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